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Is it really about the cost involved or is it an issue because FI is not agreeing to the already agreed upon rules?
Is he willing to pay for the additional people? If he is then I think 10 more is fine. If not, then he should prob cut them. Your parents have been kind enough to pay for things and asking them for more would just not be kind, responsible, or gracious.
Can you put them on a "b" list? If people decline you can always ask them. I would think that with only 10 over you may be able to fit them all in, but I wouldn't invite more than you can accomodate.
it is both, cost and the fact that I feel like he/his dad are being insensitive to the fact that each person cost about $100, so that is an additional $1000. My fiance would offer to pay, but in essense that is me paying since we are sharing finances, and my parents really want to fund the wedding themselves. His parents would not be able to financially help. My parents even agreed that we will send STDs to 170 people, and if things are good financially when it comes time to send out the invitations, we will invite some more people.
@katiejune2012: The best way to me is contact your FFIL and telling him the financial situation and asking him for half to cover his people. It is not fair to you or your parents.
Is there a way your FI can pay for them by himself? Meaning he can't get the money from you? Like even if you use a different account for a while?
yes, he could pay for it on his own. I just see his money as my money, and mine as his at this point, so it bothers me to have to invite people neither of us care about attending to make his dad happy, when my parents are sacrificing people they want invited.
I am going to see my FFIL soon, so maybe I will just talk to him directly, since my FI seems to not be able to get through to him.
@katiejune2012: I think you really need to work this out with your FI and not your FFIL. If your FI isn't standing up to your FFIL on your behalf, why is that? Meaning - is FI not wanting to tell his dad no? Does FI think it isn't a big deal and your parents should foot the bill (because they are better off financially)? Does FI realize that your parents are not inviting people? Dig deep and get to the real issues here. I agree that it's disrespectful for him to just assume they will cover it and give little regard for the guidelines they have set.
If I were you I'd go over FI's list with him and find the 10 people that will not be getting STD's and work it out with FI. If FI needs to go back to his parents to consult their input on the 10, then so be it!
@oracle: FI is not good at telling his parents no, and I think that is the main problem. I feel like he may not be adequetely explaining the situation, and is more so suggesting to lessen the invite list, and his dad says no he wants everyone invited. I am not sure if he has gone into more detail about my family also not inviting people, and about there being budget constraints. FI shuts down when I try to talk to him about it and we end up arguing, which is why I am considering just talking about it directly to FFIL b/c I do not want to deal with another fight over it. Chances are none of thse 10 people will even come, as it is about a 5 hours trip for them, but I cannot be sure of that, and at this point I want my FI to be more reasonable about sticking up to his dad.
@katiejune2012: my point in suggesting you work it out with FI instead of FFIL is so FI will learn how to stand up to his father. Wedding planning is the really the perfect time to practice this kind of thing - because he's about to create a new family (YOU!). I know you don't want to get into another fight with FI about it, but you really need to figure out how to make it clear that it's an unbendable rule. Either you will make the decision to cut the 10 or FI and his family can make it, IMO. ;) It really doesn't matter if FI hasn't fully explained things to his family or gone into details. The bigger picture is that FI needs to tell them 85 is the max. End of story.
ETA: how does the argument with FI about this usually go? Maybe we can give you some different ways to broach the subject and perhaps avoid another fight?
@oracle: That is a good point. He does need to learn to stand up for himself and show them he is an adult and things can't always go their way. The fights have gotten progressively worse, where most recently he has said "just invite your family and we won't invite any of mine" and he most recently said, which I am embarrassed to admit, "if you want me to show up in june we are inviting all of my dad's family." That last comment was in the heat of the moment, but I do not think there is really any good excuse to say that to me. His grandfather is very sick, and is convinced that not inviting his entire dad's family will break his family apart.
@katiejune2012: We all say things in the heat of the moment that we don't mean!! Based on what you said: I'd start by reminding FI that this is HIS and YOUR wedding, not his father's wedding. I'd also acknowledge the pressure FI is getting from his dad and tell him that you are sure it's putting a lot of pressure on him (FI). Hopefully by coming from a place of understanding, it will get FI to open up more about what's really going on.
I agree with you - the: do what I want, or I won't show up comment was unnecessary and unproductive. But, it was also a tactic to get what he wanted. FI clearly doesn't want to dissapoint his dad (which is understandable!) but it's not reasonable when he's putting his father's wishes/desires above yours.
When is the last time you two talked about this? I'd give it a rest for a few days and then broach it again when you've both had a cooling off period. I did that with DH over a few guest list issues (him wanting to invite his mom's tenants who he didn't even know their names!!). Once we had time to both cool down, we were able to talk about the issues rationally.
I think you should also ask FI to put himself in your shoes. Your family has given you rules to go by, are graciously footing the bill, and now he is asking you to go to them and change what you have already agreed to..... perhaps that will help him see the precarious position he is putting you in......
@katiejune2012: I would extend an invite to your parent's friends as well. Somebody is bound to not come.
I sent out 225 invites and only had 140 show up the day of the wedding. Promise.
we are seeing his family this weekend, so I am hoping to resolve in by then. we talked about it on Friday, and then again on Sunday night. I am sure people will not come, but the only way to guarantee it is to not invite them! I just have no interest in having someone at my wedding I have never met on our over 6 year relationship, especially when some of them have been at the some party as me and my FI did not talk to that relative once or introduce me!
@katiejune2012: don't let the pressure of seeing the family this weekend be the reason you are pushing it. I would bring it up one more time before the weekend and then drop it. If FFIL mentions something or if the topic comes up (not initiated by you) I would talk openly and calmly about it.
Also - it's not fair to add the rule that someone isn't a proper guest because you haven't met them. You gave FI and his family a blank slate of 'x' amount of guests. While I get that you wouldn't want someone at your wedding you haven't met, those weren't the rules - so you can't really use that as an argument with FI (even though I completely understand where you are coming from!)
@oracle: I think that is good advice. and yes, the rule was not we had to have met them, but since he is over the number of invites we each had, I feel like it is a more valid reason for him not to be able to invite more people then me. When I was around some of these relatives he purposefully avoided them because he did not want to make small talk, yet now is trying to get them invited to our wedding. I think I do need to try to get less worked up and upset when we do talk, and maybe that will help him keep calm. Thanks!
I would tell him that he needs to cut 10 people. His limit is 85.
We were over ours by 10 people. We then split our guest list into an A and B list and ended up with 30 people on the B list. Of course we would like these people to come, but others are more important.
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My FI and I are fighting over our guest list. My parents are paying for the wedding, and have said that we can invite 170 people. We decided to split that number in 1/2, so I get to invite 85 and he gets 85. His list is currently at 95, and he refuses to lower it because "his dad wants to invite everyone." There are other people my parents would also like to invite, but aren't because it is not financially viable. He has a large family, but in the 6 years we have been together, I still have not met all of them. He knows everyone of my 85 people on my guest list. Am I being totally unreasonable to expect some of his relatives to be cut since my parents cannot afford his 10 additional people? What is the best way to go about putting my foot down?