Post # 1
Hi Bee’s – here’s another “invite or not to invite” thread (LOL)
We are ready to send out invites Monday, guest list has been set for months. STD’s were sent out in October Shower was last Sunday and wedding is two months from today. Yesterday FIL’s bring up a couple (for the third time) that they want invited. Here is the back story:
This couple is FMIL’s brother-in-law’s sister and her husband (we’ll call them Mr. & Mrs. A). We see these people at easter because FMIL’s sister and husband have them and us over for breakfast, and we see them again during our cities fair as we all sit together for one night of fireworks. Mr. & Mrs. A also have two children around FI’s brothers ages, so we see them periodically at school functions/sporting events. Recently Mr. A’s mother passed and offered FI and I to look at/take anything in her house we wanted. We took a dresser and mirror set for our spare bedroom. (this comes into play later)
When coming up with our guest list and asking FIL’s for a list of people they’d like to invite, Mr. & Mrs. A were never mentioned. After STD’s were sent FMIL asked if we had included them and FI and I told her no. She asked us to consider. We talked and I told FI it was up to him. At this point we were close to our limit on people the venue could hold, but we could have still had them. FI said he didn’t feel they were an important enough part of his life to have them at our wedding. We told FMIL our choice and that was that. When it was time for the shower I made an invite list based on our guest list and gave it to FMIL asking if I had forgotten anyone, etc. She wrote “Mrs. A?” and gave it back. I called her and explained that since Mrs. A was not invited to the wedding I didn’t feel it was appropriate to invite her to the shower, FMIL agreed and that was that.
Fast forward to yesterday. FMIL brings them up again when we tell them that we are sending invites out monday. Again FI and I tell her they are not invited. She gets huffy and tells us how important they are to FI’s life and how they’ve seen him grow up etc. also telling us “well you will have some of his mom’s furniture, don’t you think you should invite them?” We stand our ground. An hour later FIL’s come down and want to “discuss” having Mr. & Mrs. A invited. Basically telling us that they will be invited. I politely bring up the 6 other people FMIL added to the guest list that I complied with after setting the list, and that we are currently 20 people over the venues limit (which makes me very uncomfortable). She tells me it isn’t her fault we are over and that my family has more than hers invited (we are just about even give or take 5 people – not that it matters). They tell us they will pay for Mr. & Mrs. A’s plates if thats an issue. We again tell them what we discussed and instead of hearing what we are saying FFIL says “well thanks for the consideration, we really appreciate it and can’t wait to have them” WTF
FI and I are paying for this wedding ourselves, FIL’s have not contributed anything (not that we expect them too, this is our wedding and we will pay for it). I’m so tired of saying NO and not being heard. FI and I talked about it AGAIN and still stand with our original decision. FI says he’ll talk to his parents alone so that maybe it will get through to them. I’m thinking of maybe giving them a choice. Mr. & Mrs. A can be invited, but then we need to remove 2 guests from their list in order to accomodate them. What would you do? Give them the choice? Stick your ground? Or just invite them to stop the buggin?
Post # 2
How many people did you invite total? I now they say that something lIke 20% of invited guests won’t show up, for my brother’s wedding it was more like 5%.
I say say let them cut someone if they want to have mr and mrs A, but then they have to explain to their original guests, who got the STD, that it was their choice.
Post # 3
I don’t know, it sounds like you and your FI have seen the A’s pretty often – getting furniture from their mother’s house? I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your in laws to think they should be invited.
Maybe you could promise your in laws that upon receiving the first “no” RSVP from a couple, you will send an invite to the As? That way no changes have to be made now, but since surely at least ONE couple will RSVP no, you can just replace them with the As.
Post # 4
I would invite them- it’s not like these are super distant relatives you have never met- and if FILs will pay for their plate, I would take them up on it. Easter may be really awkward if you don’t invite them. If you haven’t sent STDs or invites to the other extra people FILs added, then have them pick two people to switch them out.
ETA: I like PP’s solution
Post # 5
mmr66: despite over inviting people, at this point, you should have a pretty good idea who will say yes and no. Use that number to gauge if you can accommodate them.
Ignore the fact FIL is pressuring you ( I would normally put my foot down if it’s someone I don’t know or talk to) but considering they gave you their mother’s stuff, that means you guys might be closer than you think and definitely don’t want to ruin this relationship.
Post # 6
babeba: We currently have 220 invited and the venue holds 200. Your solution is exactly what I was thinking…
ohnatto: That is an idea I thought of as well. I’ll bring it up to FI and see what he thinks.
HeartsandSparkles: STD’s have been sent to the other extra people on FIL’s side, also the women were invited and came to the shower this passed sunday.
Thanks for the input ladies! I will definitely bring up some of the new idea’s to FI and see what he thinks!
Post # 7
No. Don’t invite them until you get enough nos that you are below your venue limit.
For my 1st daughter’s wedding, we only had a 10% refusal, and it was on a holiday weekend. The dance floor was packed, and not in a good way. For my 2nd daughter, we invited 10% over the venue limit and we are sweating about it. My mother wanted me to invite her next door neighbors, to #2s wedding, which has a capacity of 112 people. Not happening …
Post # 8
mmr66: Please consider only sending invitations to as many people as the venue can hold. When the “regrets” come in, then send out the rest of the invitations. Inviting more people than the venue can hold may put you in the awful position of having to un-invite guests. It has happened.
As far as the A’s I was in favor of inviting them right up until your FMIL said “can’t wait to have them.” I abhor passive aggressiveness.
Post # 9
Astra: We did consider that, however we do have about 10 that have already told us they will not be able to attend (out of state friends) so we felt comfortable sending the invites out. She is very passive aggressive, and I try just to be polite, but straight to the point and “blunt” if you will. We are very direct because of the way she skirts around things.
Post # 10
mmr66: Oh, OK, then you’re good!!