Guest list drama- at the end of my rope

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
802 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

@loveinthelibrary:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I think you need to sit your parents down again and be firm with them. Remind them they said that this money was “no strings” attached and that this guest list drama is taking away from your wedding, and making you resent it, when you want it to be a joyful time in your life. 

Continue to stress how you are grateful for the money; however you would NEVER have accepted it had you known it meant that it was their wedding for you to invite who THEY want. 

Just keep saying, “this is FI and I’s wedding, and every time you invite someone important to YOU, you’re uninviting someone important to US”

Post # 4
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Yiiikes. I’m sorry, that’s a really horrible place to be in, especially with the kid drama. I’m in sort of a similar position–my family has contributed a lot of money, and my mom’s going crazy on the guest list–but on the flip side, FI’s family has been offered extensions to their list and they could care less about +1s and adding people. So I don’t really have any advice for you, other than I think you’re doing the right thing by trying to stand up for your FI’s family. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help 🙁

Post # 5
Member
42522 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@loveinthelibrary:  

It’s sometimes a hard lesson to learn,but money can bring out the worst in people.It’s especially hard when that worst is seen in our parents.

Just keep standing your ground and insist that both sides of the family be treated the same. If necessary,remind your parents that this money was offered,”no strings attached”. If all else fails,backtrack in your planning,decline the money and have a small intimate wedding that you can afford.

Post # 6
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@loveinthelibrary:  unfortunately it seems that your parents are stuck in their ways that its ‘their way or the highway’. there’s drama now and probably alot of fallout after the wedding as well. a lot of resentment and hurt feelings, and that’s not something any newly weds should face. if you can i say take out a loan, give back your parents their money and say thanks but no thanks this is about us and our day not about who you can and cannot invite because its your money. then take the money from the bank, savings etc and have the wedding YOU want without the drama. hopefully then your parents will realize you are an adult and not one haning onto parents apron strings and perhaps give you the money without really no strings attached. you have to realize your parents are exerting their control over you and your FI and you need to take your power back!!! 

Post # 7
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@loveinthelibrary:  I definitely agree with missamy 100%. Maybe your parents don’t realize the toll that all of this is taking on you. Sit down with them (w/o FI) and tell them that you deeply appreciate the money, but it is now making this happy time not so happy for you. Easier said than done, I know. Good thoughts to you!!

@missamysmiles:  +1 +1 +1

Post # 8
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I totally understand what you’re going through, I am in the exact same position with my FMIL. She keeps insisting that we add more people (even thogh invites have already gone out) and my answer every single time is exactly what PP said “this is FI and I’s wedding, and every time you invite someone important to YOU, you’re uninviting someone important to US”

FMIL is even at the point of bribing us with more money, and guilt tripping with the money already given. Just stand your ground, in the end it is your day, and you need to have the people there that are most important to you. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@loveinthelibrary:  I agree with @lollygagon’s suggestion of saying “this is FI and I’s wedding, and every time you invite someone important to YOU, you’re uninviting someone important to US”

 

At the same time, money given is never without strings attached. I’m much more cynical and I guess I never trust it when people say that. Especially when it DOES sound like your parents are resentful over the money – the diatribe over FI’s family not contributing is bringing their true feelings to light.

 

Ultimately I think you have to man up and offer to pay back some of the wedding money to take back some of the seats. And you also have to be willing to follow through. I’ve seen this happen at so many weddings, and I believe that the only way you can truly have a guest list that is 100% under your control is when you pay for the wedding yourself.

 

Post # 10
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Ugh, it’s horrible when anyone – let alone your parents – pull a ‘bait and switch’

 

I see from your wedding date that there is less than 6 months to go, so I’ll assume that deposits have been paid and you won’t get them back if you cancel…so, is there anyway that you and your FI can refuse your parents money and pay for the whole event yourself?

 

As previous posters have pointed out, it’s the only way you are going to get control back.   If it isn’t possible, telling your parents exactly what you’ve posted here is the only other option.  

 

When I married my first husband my parents paid for it.  They also were pretty resentful that my then future in laws didn’t offer any financial assistance…I never told them that my then FI did mention that they had offered money to him, because my parents were extremely wealthy, and his parents were struggling.  I never told them for 2 reasons – I was their only daughter and I would have felt extremely guilty if I had caused FI’s parents financial difficulties.  Especially as the wedding was something that I hadn’t really wanted, but what my parents demanded I have…

 

Sadly, I always think the exact opposite when someone offers anything ‘no strings attached’ nowadays…

 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

This is terrible, and I am so sorry this is happening to you. Honestly, I feel the same way about guests, if i’ve never met you? NO. If I only speak to y ou on Christmas, thanksgiving and my birthday or you birthday? NO. If i only see you at family reunions? NO. NO. NO. NO. I think that  the number one issue with parents footing the bill is the amount of input they want to have a result of the bill footing. Funny thing my SO and i have been talking about marraige. We’ve planned the wedding for the most part (except the formality of proposing). In conversation with my mom over the holidays, she let me know that she will help with wedding costs. Yay!!!! but that she wanted to pick the location (US vs. Anguilla (im originally from anguilla, so i my fiance and my mom lives there)… BOO!!! I said no thank you! I’ll take you money but you get to help with the menu and the cake. I guess when it is really time to discuss I may be facing the same issues as you are. (I have a BIGG family and i want a 75 guest wedding).

The advice i can give is to have another sit down, and discuss the non negoitables of you and your fiance with your parents moving forward, where you want their input and where you dont, and they can either pull their money and risk distroying their relationship with you and ALL of the family that they invited or they accept that fact that you can play hard ball too and comply.

As for the guests that she is inviting that you never met, maybe they wont show up! and if they do, hears hoping the show up with a gift!

Post # 13
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@loveinthelibrary:  Not ungrateful at all! And remember, I am sure your mom is doing all of this with good in her heart. She just wants everyone to see her baby girl get married – even people you have never met – lol. It will all work!

Post # 15
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@loveinthelibrary:  Glad your parents are much more reasonable than mine! Yay for a happy wedding!

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