Post # 1
I don’t suppose I need advice so much as I just need to get this off my chest.
To start. FI and I are having our wedding at my family home / farm. We worked with my mother and father and came up with 75 being a comfortable number of people to invite in addition to the wedding party and immediate family. Next we listed everyone. In a manner I actually read about on here where we grouped everyone. i.e. Aunt & Uncles, Cousins, Friends, Friends of Parents. Made a little word document table and everything. Pretty snazzy really.
From there we eliminated. There were a few of FI’s cousins that we simply refuse to invite. They have been rude, negative, even outright telling my FI that I am loose woman with questionable morals since I am living with him prior to wedding or engagement. I have been in tears over what these people have said to us and my future in laws.
This is when we realized that we were going to be picking and choosing from the cousins. Which we thought is far more offensive than drawing an outright line. Even with the picking and choosing we were far over our guest number. So we drew the line. We have elected to invite Aunts & Uncles only from the family. No Cousins. Not from my side. Not from his. This seemed the cleanest way of doing this.
ON TOP OF this cut. My father has decided to not invite any member of his family. He doesn’t get along with them and has no issues with them not attending and infact has stated “I don’t want that trash around us on a happy day.” Dang. Well tell us how you really feel.
The hurt feelings do not come from my family. It’s all my FI’s cousins. I know they are upset. I am sorry about that, but we had to make a decision. FI really want’s people who support him and has elected to invite his friends. Who he adores.
Everyone is asking me the questions about why they aren’t invited. I don’t feel it’s my place to tell my FMIL that the golden child nephew basically called me a whore and FI does not want him around. I am working so hard to be diplomatic. I just keep repeating that it is a space issue. That we have cut half of my family to make room for more of FI’s (They don’t need to know we just don’t like them it’s not their business). What more can I say?
I am sure there are things I have left out. I am just tired and upset and have gone over this 6 ways to Sunday.
Post # 2
bassbee: Most couples have to draw the line somehere. Make a conscious decision to not be bothered by what what people say. Their feelings are their problem.
Post # 3
I would just stick with the line that you have already given. “We don’t have the space to invite everyone. We have made compromise by cutting all of the cousins on both sides. The line that we have drawn is fair to everyone. This discussion is over.” If she continues to ask, or beg, or what ever, tell her “I already told you the reason. This is not up to discussion.” If she continues on “I already told you this wasn’t up for discussion, I’m ending the conversation.” Then walk away or hang up. Cycle 2 and 3 as often as needed, and get your FI to use the same exact words.
Post # 4
bassbee: I, for one, don’t agree with the requirement to invite in strict circles; we did level of closeness, combined with age. For us, DNA does not equal an invitation.
Although my 1st daughter to marry invited all aunts/uncles, they drew the line at age 21 and up, with their first cousins. For my 2nd daughter’s wedding, they invited 6 of 8 aunt/uncle couples (based on closeness – there’s no realtionship with 2 pairs) and 6 of 8 first cousins. Only 2 aunts/uncles and 2 first cousin couples even bothered to attend. In hindsight, we would have saved money on the 4 of 12 invitations that were sent to these realtives, because they didn’t even bother to send a congratulatory e-mail or card.
With our family, and it’s probably the same for yours, there’s a darn good reason why certain people aren’t invited and they’re actions or words, or in our case inactions, is why.
Post # 5
PABride: i don’t believe in strict cut off lines either. We used my little chart to get everyone listed. I would have preferred to pick and choose those close to me. As it stands I’m stuck with none of my close cousins.
We only did this because FIs family gets so upset at the slightest percieved insult. We thoughy this would work better.
Post # 7
bassbee: I agree with what Jules said. And honestly, you could draw the line anywhere and someone will be offended.
I have friends who had 300 person weddings and there were people (obscure relatives or relative’s friends and people like that) who were upset they weren’t invited. I went completely opposite and only immediate family and grandparents are invited. I still have aunts telling me they are coming! Um, no.
Post # 8
Follow your gut instincts!! 😉 It is your wedding day, you want to surround yourself with people you love.
Just keep saying (and it is true!!!) that you’re doing it at your parents’ house and there is no space! You can say that as a sign of respect for the elders, you had to invite all the uncles and aunties and other elders of the family. You have to give it a good twist because, as a lovely person, you did have good intentions