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At the end of the day, people understand if they can't be invited. Will they disappointed, probably - but they will understand and not hold it against you.
Based on what you said - and because it doesn't seem like the 4 are really all that close - I would not invite any co-workers and just tell the ones you verbally invited that while you would have loved to have them share in your day, you didn't realize how big the family was and your venue is not able to accommodate everyone you would have liked to be there.
I do NOT like the idea of a work party to celebrate the wedding that you host. If the people at work want to throw a little party for you - great! But, you hosting one would make me feel like a 2nd class friend (especially because there was no wedding invite). And, even if you say 'no presents', some people will feel obligated to bring a gift.
I also do not like the idea of inviting someone to the ceremony and not the reception.
re: inviting some co-workers vs. all - I think you are absolutely fine with just inviting some. My FI works with a lot of people and over the time we have been together, are friends with many of them - but only a handful are getting initiations. I know that some people are expecting them and they will be disappointed, but we don't feel close to them and I feel zero guilt about it.
I agree that it's not necessary to invite all or none when it comes to co-workers. I'm not sure where that etiquette advice cme from but I have never heard it and I don't think it makes sense. Everyone has some people they are closer to in a work place than others. I work with about 60 people. When a co-worker got married last year, some were invited but most were not. Those not invited knew we just weren't that close to the person getting married. I would have been surprised to have been invited. You'll have to decide, though, if the 4 work friends are "more important" than your college friends.
Eek! That's a very rough situation to be in! Whatever you do, just don't talk about your wedding planning at work anymore if you know you can't invite them all. That can be really awkward.
I am in a similar situation with my work relationships, but I am nowhere near ready to verbally invite any of them. I think verbal invites are very sticky because once they are out there, then they are out there and then it looks really poor on your part if you don't invite those people. I think that is the bigger "faux-pas".
However, as for inviting a few and not all, I don't see a problem with that. People understand that when it comes to weddings, family comes first. I was not invited to several friends weddings, but I am still friends with them years later. Sometimes you just can't budget another 10 friends or your friends non-serious plus ones.
I work in an office of about 50. I have 7 people on my team, and 6 people on another team that I recently transferred from within the last year. I talk to these people daily. On top of that, I have about 3-6 people not necessarily on either team that I am considering inviting to the wedding. At this point, I'm not worrying about it until we are a LOT closer to the wedding date. There are too many variables in my office to ensure that someone will even be there in a year.
At this point though, I think that I will invite people who I consider my friends outside of work. Meaning, they've been to my house, or I've met their family, or we're in a social thing together - like a workout class or other sport. I am not sure I'll invite them plus one though. I figure if I invite 8 work friends without plus ones, that's one extra table of fun! Otherwise, those same 8 with plus ones is a whole two extra tables. That becomes a lot.
In the end, I would say focus on the relationships with the four people you've already extended verbal invites to. The other people you aren't really that close to personally, well shame on them for assuming they are invited to anything. If you don't extend an invite to them - verbally or formally - then they aren't invited and it's none of their business who else is going. For your non-invited coworkers to fuss over that is really not very adult at all.
Good luck with it all though and don't worry so much about it! If you really want to do something with your whole office that is informal, suggest it to one of those four confidants you have and maybe they will get the hint and organize a happy hour for you!
Thanks for all the help ladies!
I didn't realize that organizing a little celebration party for the people not invited to the wedding was a whole other faux pas! Looks like I have a lot to learn.... :o)
Another question though - do you ever explain to people why they're not going to get invited to a wedding? I know it's fine to say something to them if they ask. But is it in poor taste to send a message/note/talk to people and explain it before the invitations even go out? As a pre-emptive measure? I know that people are sensitive and people are going to find out they're not invited and take it all personally. I don't want to hurt any feelings!
Just trying to figure out the best way to go about everything...
Thanks again!
This is a tough situation. I would love to invite my co-workers but, like you, don't have the room for all 9 of them and their +1s (all are in a significant relationship except 1 and travel is required). Besides the fact, I think my boss would not be happy if I extended the invite for a school year wedding to the entire department (we work at a university). I hang out with all of them outside of work and they have asked about wedding plans on several occasions. When the invite comes up, i am careful to let them know that none have gone out yet. When I was straight asked about invites for the department, I mentioned how I thought our boss would kill me if they all asked for the same days off work. I kind of said it jokingly and my colleague said she was not serious about asking. I can tell that at least some of them are hoping for an invite and we all attended another co-worker's wedding this past May so it seems expected. I thiink the distance will save me but have found that people understand when you tell them you have strict maximums from the venue and you are already over the limit. I would not say anything before the invites go out unless it is a subtle or scharcastic remark but wait until people ask you why they didn't get one. Chances are they won't ask you so you won't have to answer those questions. I would suggest you talk to the 4 with verbal invites and see if they will understand if you invite them without significant others and then you will have room for 4 college friends.
I think that most people these days know how incredibly expensive it can be to throw a wedding, and most of them will understand about space constraints. We both work for the same company (or did until FI got laid of two days ago) and we were only planning on inviting certain co-workers. Mainly people that we hang out with after work and on the occassional weekend. Everyone else has understood.
Of course, now that we're in the situation that we're in...that's all up in the air. Then again, being laid off DOES make for a handy excuse in case someone does ask why they're not invited...
Good Luck
I was going to say that I don't think it's a huge deal to invite some not all of the coworkers. But I did hear that it's important to invite your supervisor. SO I would recommned that if you are inviting some coworkers that you invite your boss too.
I don't think I'd recommend that you send an offical uninvitation. First, people are probably oging to get ther hopes up when they see the envelope. Only to open it up and get welcomed with, "You're not invited!" They're going to think they're getting punked or something. Also, it remind me a bit of another post about if the bride should tell a friend she isn't in the wedding, even though she never asked about it. While I know some coworkers seem to be interested in your wedding. But there are bound to be some who wish you well, but aren't bothered at all. And it just leaves a weird feeling, to get something that says sorry you're not invited, if you really didn't care or expect to be, in the first place. Maybe it's just me, but it feels like someone turning you down for a date, when you didn't ask them out in the first place.
I would actually start nipping it in the bud by telling people, you're limiting it to friends and family. Some people say something like, the wedding is going to be small. But in your case, I think that wouldn't be right. The coworkers who are invited will clearly see the reception isn't going to be small.
Also, how many OOTers are you inviting? Have you looked at the guests who are likely to not come? Your venue holds 250. Your invitations are at 265. You're most likely going to have some declines. So depending on how many college friends and other coworkers etc, you could be fine and get to invite everyone you want.
Here's how I made my decision (I work in a division with about sixty people):
1. Do I hang out with them outside of work?
2. Do they know my fiance's name/would they know it if it weren't for facebook?
I ended up inviting eight people -- the ones I'm closest to and would be sad to not have there. The eight do not include everyone on my personal team (inviting 2/4 people I work with regularly) nor do they include my supervisors. My wedding is about 600 miles away from my office, so that makes it easier. I also asked the eight I'm inviting to not talk about the wedding in the office. I would invite everyone if I could, but folks understand that I can't. I'm also making an effort to cut back on mentioning anything wedding related to the folks that I'm not inviting. I know word will eventually get out that I didn't invite a lot of people, but I'm trusting that people will understand -- especially since FI and I are paying a huge hunk of our wedding.
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So, I've gotten myself into a little situation..... I have a huge family and my parents are paying for our wedding, so that means that all my family is invited. Our venue has a capacity of 250, but with only our families, close family friends, and close personal/life-long friends, we're up to an A-list of 265 (and I hate B-lists, but it was a necessary evil...that's got about 15 people on it). There are a few college friends that I would really like to be there, but they're on the B-list at this point - this really sucks, but what can you do? (I booked my absolute dream venue and thought I could make it work with our initial guest count if we limited the list to 'Family and people who will still be friends in 10 years'....I mean, 250 is a lot of people, right?!)
Anyway, my situation has to do with my co-workers. I work with about 25 people and we're all kind of friendly (we go to happy hours together, etc). There are 4 people that I'm *maybe* closer to than the rest, but it's really just that I like them more than the others (they're definitely not life-long friends in the least though) . My parents initially thought that I should invite work people, so we put these 4 people (+ wives/husbands) on the A-list and I've already talked to them about the wedding and verbally invited them. But I'm starting to feel really bad about not being able to invite the rest of my coworkers. I mean, how do you decide who to invite and who not to invite? We all see each other every day..... They all ask me about the wedding and I avoid talking to them about it b/c it makes me uncomfortable b/c I know they're not invited. Especially one guy who invited me to his super, secret post-elopement party (he is not one of the 4 people on our guest list....). And THEN I read that etiquette says that you should either invite all of your co-workers or none of them. Another person that I work with is getting married and has invited all of my co-workers, which will make me look even worse! But there's just no way we could add any more 'random' people to a list that is missing some people that we really want there....
So, someone gave us the suggestion to do a little pre-wedding party with my coworkers, which we thought was a fabulous idea! Just mention to everyone that we have some size constraints to our wedding but we want to celebrate with them, so we'll just pick a place and night and have everyone come out and party. No gifts, no expectations, just a night of fun to celebrate us. :o) Great...guilty feelings gone!
But, here's my question.,.....if we're planning to do a party for all of my work people, can I just not invite the people that I already verbally invited to the actual reception? (They can come to the wedding ceremony though). I'm left with a choice to only invite a few coworkers and not others (faux pas #1) or 'take back' a verbal invite (faux pas #2).
I would obviously explain to the 4 coworkers that I feel really uncomfortable inviting some people and not others. And I've talked to these 4 coworkers about our guest list issues already, so they know about the problems and how I can't invite everyone else. If it was me and someone came to me sincerely and explained this situation, I would be completely fine with it. But I know not everyone is that way.
Anyway, my fiance thinks that not inviting them would solve everything b/c we can add more people that we really want there to the A-list. I know it would solve a lot of problems, but I just don't want to be rude. I know...I should have never opened my mouth to them in the first place.... Anyway, any advice you all have would be great!