Post # 1
Good morning ladies! I had a question that I’m not really sure what the answer is, so I figured why not ask it here.
My fiance & I are paying for our wedding entirely by ourselves. None of our parents (I have Mom & Step-Dad, and Dad & Step-Mom. He just has his Mom) are able to help us pay for anything. My fiance does not have a large family, so that’s no problem. My Mother’s side is not large either. My Father’s family…let’s just say I have 2 Aunt’s & 2 Uncle’s, all of whom have at least 2 kids each, there’s too many first cousins once removed to count on both hands, etc. We’ve set a budget of about $7,000 for roughly 60 people. My question is…do I need to run the tentative guest list past my Father & paternal grandparents if we are paying for everything ourselves? We’re being pretty strict about our budget & guest list because it’s all being paid for with money that we are going to be saving, and any more than 60 or so would put us over budget as far as how much we can comfortably save. Throw in the fact that I spent 10 plus years of my life not even talking to my Father or that entire side of my family (long story…we’ve reconnected in the past year though, which is great) and I’m at a loss whether I need to get “approval” for the people that we’ve left out on that side of my family. My Brother (my Father’s son) got married last year & basically invited that entire side of my family, which is quite large. We simply cannot afford to do that, but I don’t want to offend anyone. I just cannot see paying for a plate at our reception for someone who if I stood next to them, wouldn’t recognize me (this has happened numerous times over the past year at family functions…it’s awkward, to say the least). I know people say “it’s your wedding, invite who you want” but I don’t want anyone upset with me because they were invited to my Brother’s wedding last year & not to ours.
Whew, that was longer than I intended…sorry!
Post # 3
I don’t think you need to run it past your family members who will and won’t be invited. But I do think that you should invite all first cousins or none and things like that so you can’t have people saying that you are playing favorites with certain people’s relatives.
Post # 4
That was the plan actually. I probably should have stated that but I thought it was already too long, haahaa. All of my Aunt’s & Uncle’s, and all of my first cousins are on the list, as well as his Aunt & Uncle. We just simply cannot afford to invite everyone that was invited to my Brother’s wedding. It’s just a really weird situation for me because quite honestly, even as close as a year ago, I wasn’t sure that my own Dad would be at my wedding & now there is this whole large side of my family that is “available” to me again. Thanks for the input!
Post # 5
I think that’s a good plan. Best of luck! 🙂
Post # 6
I don’t think you need to get approval, but I think you should let all the parents know what the budget and guest list are for a few reasons. First, you wouldn’t want dad to assume that his relatives are invited and talk to them about the wedding as if they were guests. Second, you don’t want to seem like you were going behind his back. Finally, maybe your dad would offer to pay for some guests so that they can be invited.
We are also paying ourselves and we told all the parents how many guests we could afford right away.
Post # 7
Another option: We gae each of our parents 10 guests apiece to invite. That way, they can have some guests, but we determined how many…..above family members, of course.
Post # 8
Quite honestly, I don’t think my Dad could care less who we do or don’t invite. He’s told us to elope from the get go, haahaa. It’s more the individual people we would be leaving out that I worry about being hurt or upset or whatever. In reality, the people that we plan to leave off would probably not even care either way. I’m just a people pleaser by nature, and I tend to over-think & over-analyze everything. As for Dad helping to pay, that’s pretty doubtful. He’s hurting financially lately, and it’s been rough on him.
Thanks ladies! I’m just hoping for the best day possible, as I’m sure we all do.
Post # 9
My Fiance has a couple of first cousins that he would not recognize if he stood next to them. We did not invite them because they are not a part of our lives.
I would say at some point you will need to share the list or let your dad know that all the second cousins etc are not invited. Make it clear that its the final list (aka no one else can be added, not up for discussion), but he needs to know who is/isn’t on the list so that he can make sure to tell people appropriately.
Post # 10
I suppose that is true. Although the people we plan on leaving off are people that he rarely speaks with anyway, except at major family functions (graduations, funerals, etc). He’s very diconnected from the extended family. This is just coming up now because we had a family funeral last weekend (my Great Aunt…who I don’t recall ever meeting) & my fiance & I were amazed at the amount of “extended family” I actually have. I had no idea because I had been seperated from that part of my family for so long. It seems like there’s 100’s of them! Haahaa. Had it not been for this funeral, I doubt any of them would even know or care at all that we were engaged.
I’ve always told my fiance that if you are not part of my/our life in some way, shape or form, I don’t want you at our wedding. A 500 person party where we know only 50% of the guest list is NOT what we want.
Post # 11
Definitely talk to him, but make sure he doesn’t think you’re getting permission from him, just his thoughts. He might be able to let you know family stuff you’re not up on (if someone just got divorced, for instance) and also be the guy who lets his family know who shouldn’t expect an invitation (“she enjoyed seeing you again, but she’s having a very small event”). He can tell you if they’ll all be offended (good to know ahead of time even if you don’t change your plans) or if you should expect gifts even if you don’t invite them (so then you don’t feel guilty). As for hurting feelings etc, I go by the reciprocal rule – if I wouldn’t be hurt not going to your wedding, you probably aren’t getting an invite from me. I’ve found it really helps when I get to overthinking. And keep spreading the “small wedding” info – small has a very flexible definition!
Post # 12
If you are inviting the first cousins, and stopping there, I don’t see a problem at all, and you don’t need to run it by anybody.
Though, not to burst your bubble, you don’t have a big family. With just aunts, uncles, and first cousins, my side is 72.
Post # 13
Ha, no bubble bursting. It’s big for me personally, but probably not for others. My fiance is an only child, and his one Aunt & Uncle have no children. My Mom is also an only child, so I have no Aunt’s or Uncle’s from her. If it weren’t for my Dad’s side of the family, there would probably be half as many people at our wedding.
Post # 14
Hopewell, I just saw your comments after I had already replied. Sorry!
That’s probably the way I’ll go about it. Tell my Dad & paternal Grandparents that we’re keeping it small so that they can field any questions accordingly.
Post # 15
We have apx. the same budget and guest amount and are paying for it entirely ourselves also. We are not running anything by anybody. Invite who you want.