(Closed) Guest list etiquette (why am I not invited?)

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

Odds are, they probably don’t feel good about not being able to invite you. But they may have large families, and lots of good friends and a few really close friends. Budgets are budgets – and usually family *has* to come before good friends. It happens sometimes.

 They may be already stretching the budget. Or they may not -maybe they want to go all out for 150 guests, instead of half-out (is that a word? haha) for 200. It’s not up to us to judge.

 I’m sure your a little hurt that you’re not invited. I probably would be too. (although, you don’t *know* you aren’t invited. You know you haven’t recieved a STD yet). But the guest list is up to the B&G, and they have to limit it – which may not be where you or I would limit it.

And bachelor parties have weird etiquette. I think it sometimes happens that non-wedding guests are invited, which would be weird for any other wedding event, but bachelor parties seem to fall in their own category! 

Post # 4
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Ouch – that’s just not right. Stays in your home to do wedding planning, then doens’t even invite you to throw down the dance moves after the dinner? What a B-word.

Sorry. Just my inital feeling on it.

I too understand the wedding budget thing, but she;s inviting you to bachlorette and bachelor parties – thats like saying "Buy me a gift but you can’t come to my party" kinda.

I guess you just have to hope there’s a really good reason, and hopefully with how she’s handled you not getting an invite – she’ll have a set big enough to tell you why eventually.

On a last note – do you think maybe you’re a B lister? I didn’t send STDs to my B listers, just in case they didn’t get onto the A list….

Just popped into my head….sorry to toss in randomness at the end there… 

Keep us updated! 

Post # 5
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Maybe she is going to invite you.  STD’s are usually sent to people who are going to have to plan way in advance to travel to the wedding.  Since you live in the town, you don’t have to make those arrangements.  I’m also having a semi-destination wedding.  I’m not sending STD’s to people who live in the area.  They will get an invitation 2 months out like everyone else. 

Give it awhile. 

Post # 6
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

We also didn’t send STDs to everyone – mostly to those who will need to get a hotel, as they book up in our town, and a few to those who we know tend to plan crazy elaborate summer vacations that might take them out of town over our date if they didn’t have more than 8-10 weeks warning.

We also (hate to admit it) have a B-List.  Not that we don’t really want to have these people there, but we are pretty sure a big percentage of our out of town relatives won’t actually attend.  There are local folks that we will love to have in their place (actually would rather have, but there are relatives that really have to at least be invited).  We are not sending STDs to the B-List, as we might actually not be able to invite them.

That said, if your husband has an invite to the bachelor party, expecially if it is one of those $1000 destination golf weekend bachelor parties like my FI is apparently having, I would expect that you would be invited to the wedding!  My FI is only having his closest friends in on the bachelor party, and we wouldn’t think of not inviting them.

It is, however, hard to let people know that you don’t have room for them.  I have had several friends actually ask if they are invited – in a very nice way – letting me know that they would love to be there to see us married but understand if we have guest list limitations.  That is a nice way to ask I think – it doesn’t put me on the spot, makes my prime excuse already, and lets me either tell them that of course they are invited, so sorry we would love to have them if only we had the room, or are trying very hard to make room but are not sure just yet.  I am actually much happier to have someone come out and ask rather than making a bad assumption and being upset with me later.  If I was you, I would go ahead and ask (nicely).  Then you and your hubby can make an informed decision about the bachelor party!

Post # 7
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

i’m going to be honest here — family comes before friends, and making a guest list of 150 out of 2 families is REALLY hard. that’s why we had to cut a significant portion of our friends (people we would have otherwise invited), or drop them to the b-list. it’s also the reason why we’ve told our single friends that "we’ll let you know" if there are enough declines to bring dates.

that being said, if anyone talks to me about wedding planning who isn’t invited, i’m deliberately vague and change the subject — i don’t plan my wedding out of their homes! jeez. she’s not really being fair to you here. 

men also don’t really care about this kind of stuff and really just want to party with their boys. i was talking to my FI about his bachelor party, and he had people on the list who weren’t invited to the wedding (i had a minor freakout) — he told me that they knew they weren’t invited (somehow guys make the awkward talk not so awkward!), they just wanted to come to vegas. so maybe the bachelor party is something like that?

Post # 8
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2018

I have to agree that you may just not be getting a STD. 

We are having a destination wedding as well, and didnt send the people who live in the town we’re having one in a mail version. Thinking about it a month later we emailed a version out to them, so they wouldnt panick and wonder why they weren’t invited

I think because STDs are such a recent phenomena there’s not a whole lot of etiquette to go along with it and you never really know a couple’s plan with them.  

But just because you dont get a Save the Date does not mean that you won’t be invited to the wedding. 

Post # 9
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Did you get invited?

Post # 10
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

This is a lesson to us all that we should send STD to ALL our guests – even if they live with us, see us every day, live at the site we are going to use!!

I don’t know if anything should be or needs to be said to your friend, and it comes down to your guy going to the party, that should be his call.  It totally sucks if she can’t invite you, but sucks more that she can’t talk to you about it and let you know what is going on.

Maybe you can sneek in the question of if you are invited or not by talking about how your lost sleep over the guest list of your wedding and staying to the budget and ask how she is doing it?

 

Post # 11
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I thought for engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelor/ette parties – only those invited to the wedding were supposed to be invited to those?!?!

RelentlessBride

Post # 12
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Just another thought – for one reason or another we had several guests who did not receive their save the date from us because it got lost in the mail. There is always a possibility that something happened that you don’t know about (maybe they ordered one less and thought, of course march07 knows she’s invited, she doesn’t need one!)

If they are still talking about the wedding to you and in front of you, I would mention that I didn’t get a save the date. Either they will tell you that they sent it/meant to send it, or they will tell you that’s because you’re not invited. Either way, you’ll know what the deal is and you’ll know what kind of friends these people are (I mean, really, you are close enough that they can crash at your place, but not close enough to come to the wedding?!)

Post # 13
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Like others have said, maybe you aren’t getting a save-the-date since you are in the same town as the wedding.  And, maybe there is a chance it did get lost in the mail.  It’s also possible that you are on the b-list.  I would wait until you know she sent out the invites and if you didn’t get one you can just let her know and see what she says.  150 is hard, though, so I understand where she’s at with that.  If we did that for my wedding, 150 would have been JUST family and no friends. 

I will say, though, staying in your house while she’s in town doing wedding planning is shady business if she’s not going to invite you to her wedding.  And if she doesn’t after that I would consider her kind of a b-word, that’s how I would feel about her anyway.

Post # 14
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

They may just have lreally arge families and not be able to invite all their friends. 

Of course, I would be hurt; but then after getting over the shock of not getting invited… I would just try to be a friend and be happy for her.  Maybe even tell her that you understand that not everyone could be invited to the reception but that you would love to go to her ceremony to see them say their vows.  My family wasn’t invited to a wedding once because they only invited 100, but we went to their ceremony anyways.  We just didn’t go to the reception.  I don’t see a problem with that. 

Post # 15
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think it’s in poor taste for her not to be direct with you, but sometimes people have trouble with that and go with avoidance.

You’re right, it is bad etiquette to expect your husband to participate in the bachnor festivities (especially at his own expense!) without a wedding invitation. Involving you in wedding prep projects was insensitive as well.

Overall, I doubt she’s being malicious or petty, whatever that may be worth. I wouldn’t mention the slight to her, because as a nervous and overstressed bride, I bet she’s going to get very upset that she has upsat you. She’s trying to do everything right, you know? Be supportive and flexible. You might mention that is any of her "destination guests" can’t make it, you’d be happy to fill a seat at the last minute.

Post # 16
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Honestly, I think you should just bring it up! Say "You told me you were sending out the save-the-dates a few weeks ago.  I know this is a bit awkward to ask, but I would rather just get it out in the open.  I didn’t get a STD in the mail, so I wanted to check with you to see if I should still be saving the date or not!  I understand you have limitations, so please just let me know what you decided so I can plan accordingly."  If she decided not to invite you after all the wedding talk and planning in front of you, she should be willing to step up and explain.  Or you might just find out it got lost or she only sent them to out of towners as others have explained!

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