Post # 1
My FI and I decided we wanted to keep our wedding as small as possible. After making a list of immediate family that we are in close contact with and close friends were were already around 75 people. We decided to open it up a bit to a few more friends and allow 100 invites, assuming that not everyone invited would attend (however if they did this would be fine). Now that we have announced our engagement his mother has given us a list of about 30+ people on his dad’s side of the family that I have never even heard of. We’ve been together for 3 1/2 years, and it seems wierd to be inviting this many people I’ve never even heard of to the wedding. The family I am including he has met about 75% of them, and the rest he has definitely heard of, seen pictures of, and know who they are. I literally am just finding out about these people his mom wants to include on the list.
At first he was with me on keeping it as small as possible, but not he has been convinced by FMIL that not inviting all of these people who be a huge problem and cause them to be mad.
I feel like an awful person for saying this, but SO WHAT? When I met FI he had just gone through a lot of hard times and I know for a fact that not one of these people on the list was there for him during this time. None of them attended his college graduation last year. They don’t call, or write, or anything. Am I wrong to think that it seems ridiculous to invite them if I’ve never even heard of them. I know they are his family, but my reasoning is, if after 3 1/2 years together they haven’t even come up in conversation, they aren’t close enough to be included.
Post # 2
How are the costs being split? Whoever is paying determines the budget, and thus the number of guests.
Post # 3
NewtonPippin: I agree with the PP about the budget.
In my and FI’s case, we’re splitting the costs of the wedding with my parents and his. So, his mom got to invite her 5 closest girlfriends and their husbands even though I’ve never met them. And we’re inviting FI’s relatives who live in Arizona knowing that they probably won’t come.
But I put my foot down about kids at our wedding. FMIL wanted them there, but we said no.
You have to have a discussion about your wedding with her. Tell her what you want it to be- small and intimate. Not a bunch of people you’ve never met and that your FI isn’t even close with.
Post # 4
lolalulu_24: MichiganGirl24: We had planned on paying for 3/4 of the wedding, with my Dad paying for the rest. Now his mom has offered to contribute a large amount (which would make it 1/2 us, 1/4 my dad, and 1/4 her) but the thing is she can’t really afford to contribute what she offered. She has borrowed $ from us the in the past for living expenses, etc. and her situation hasn’t improved, so I’m not even sure where she plans on getting the $ from. It’s kind of a sticky situation all around.
I just feel a little blind sided, because we had agreed on things already, and I didn’t plan on inviting people I don’t speak to, and now he is inviting about 30ish people I’ve never even heard of that he hasn’t spoken to in years. It is just all very overwhelming, and I don’t want it to be a fight, but I’m also really uncomfortable uping the guest list this much, because it means our budget is not off as well. I know I said she offered $, but I don’t think she can actually deliver, and even if she could we decided on a top budget not because of funds, but just because of what we feel comfortable spending on our wedding day.
Sorry if it seems like I’m venting, I just relaly want to think this all over a lot before I talk to him about it.
Post # 5
NewtonPippin: I see where you are coming from. Is he inviting a lot of family that you aren’t. For example: You are only inviting parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles, and he is including cousins, etc.? Maybe you would feel better if you picked who that way, and then both stuck to it.
Post # 6
NewtonPippin: I would first have a good talk with your FI about your feelings on these extra guests. I think you need to be united in this and it seems as though you differ. Explain to him your concerns about this… that this isn’t want you were expecting for the number of guests and the implications it will have on your overall budget and your initial desire for a more intimate wedding. Perhaps he will come to see it that way, but if not then there needs to be a budget talk. This talk would include knowing exactly what is being contributed, and if you are afraid that FMIL will not live up to it, automatically deduct her amount from your expected budget and work with that. In all likelihood that wouldn’t allow for the guests!
Post # 7
MissPhish: also a good option – if you are just sticking to certain tiers of relatives, leave it at that!
Post # 8
Is the guest list equally split? half your side half his side? If not thats something that you may have to consider. As an aside, women tend to be more family oriented than men, so just because he hasnt spoken their names to you doesnt mean that they are any less important than the family that you have mentioned that he never met.
Post # 9
mrsaxachef: That is fair, but I only have about 3 members of my family he hasn’t met.
Here is the big problem, and I should have explained it in the beginnning, but I felt like I was rambling, so I stopped typing.
About a month or two ago we started making out guest list. This was before we had announced our engagement, but had been engaged for a bit. We had a lot of just over 100 people. So we announced our engagement and started gathering addresses. Of course most people instantly knew we were gathering addresses because we are getting married. Many of these addresses were friends we chose to invite together.
Now that we have announced it to everyone, his mom has added all of these people, that he didn’t think of before, and now he is thinking they have to come. If he had mentioned them before we would have included them in our plans and NOT planned to invite many friends including not asking for their addresses.
So these are family members he literally forgot about when making his list. 30+ of them. So obviously they aren’t people he is close to. He even admitted there are a few he DOESN”T EVEN KNOW, and some he knows who they are but doesn’t evne know exactly how they are related.
In retrospect we should have waited until we announced and talked to our parents to make a list, but we knew we were paying for most of this myself (and my Dad is the type that doesn’t care who is invited so knew he wouldn’t add any) so we didn’t account for adding people because of his mom paying since we know she doesn’t have money.