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Welcome to my world girl! This is the same issue we've been dealing with. I can't take it, everytime we visit his mother she "reminds" us of more people we should be inviting. The only thing is, these are people that are friends of hers, or family that she never ever even speaks to. It's maddening! Eventually I lost my cool, kinda and spoke to my FI. Before that, I just smiled at her and vented to my friends. I told him that it really bothers me that I have such a small family and that his outnumbers us, so for her to continue to adding people is really stressing me out. Not to mention my family is paying for the wedding so its not right to them. He was sorta guilty of doing what his mother was doing too, so he skimmed some people of the list, and told his mother that she'd have to pay for the friends she keeps adding. We're assuming (well, hoping) that they don't all show anyway. Good luck!
That's my world, too. lol ALL of my guests are OOT and most of his are local. 30% of the people on the guest list are mine, and most of them probably wouldn't even be coming due to distance, where as his side has 70% people and FMIL is trying to add even more people (strangers to us!) to the list. We will be asking her to pay for the extra if she keeps on inviting, as my parents are paying for 1/2 of the wedding but they have been respectful to not invite more people and my FMIL is going nuts asking us about the maximum capacity of our venue as if she wants to fill it up.
It's very frustrating and it drives me crazy. GL!
Is your venue limited on space? Have you thought about splitting the guest list 3 ways (you/FI, your parents, his parents) and keeping each list to that. Your FMIL is probably not being malicious, she may not know that you're trying to keep it to a certain headcount.
Yep! All my family apart from my mum and sister are OOT and all his family live in the same area that we do! It's definitely going to be lopsided but that's ok for us. I'm inviting more of my own single friends to make up the numbers so it doesn't look like I have no family! LOL. Also we're paying for everything so that helps.
Personally I'd ask them to cut the list. Tell them that due to venue constrictions they can only invite 75 people and can they please cut their list down to that amount. That way you're putting the ball in their court and if they want to offer to pay for the extra people then they can offer to do that then.
I think you need to figure out how many people you can afford. Then go from there. If that means that they can invite the extras if they pay for them, fine. Also keep in mind, you'll get some declines too. So it might not be that bad in the end.
Figure out what your parents' money is going toward. Are they implying they are only paying for their side? Are they coming out and saying that they intend on paying for the whole shot? Personally, if your FI's family is larger, I don't think he should be punished for that. But I don't know what kind of parameters you put on the guest list. Is your mom's 60, everyone she wanted to invite? Are you inviting cousins? In other words, if you get to invite your whole family, he should probably get that chance too, if it's important to them. However, if FMIL is inviting random friends and your mom isn't, then maybe you can cut them off.
Also since your FILs offered to put some money in, maybe it's time to just talk to them to see how much they can contribute. Maybe they were planning on paying for their people. But I would work out how many ppl you can swing with the money your parents are giving you, and whatever you're contributing, first. That way you can let them know right away, if the numbers don't match up, and they need to make some cuts.
family out number's my FI family by far. I'm inviting all of my family (aunts, uncles, cousins, cousin's children, and some of my distant extended family (idk why)). My FMIL has past away so I asked my FFI for a guest list and he said he'd bring a date, the woman he's been dating, and to just invite all of FI aunts and uncles. FI only has 8 aunts and uncles including their spouses. To even it out he's inviting more friends than he's got family. I think that's only fair.
I think like @tanya123 said, it depends on whether those people on your FIL's list are close family members or if they're looking at this as an opportunity to invite random co-workers. My FI's family has way more guests than my side does, but he just has a bigger family, and his parents would feel rude not inviting everyone (even their third cousins...yes, this drives me bonkers). I would find out from your parents if there's a limit to the amount that they feel comfortable paying, and then explain that to your FIL's and either they pay the difference, or you and FI pay the difference. Good luck--the guest list was one of the most stressful things for us!
Welcome to my world.....That is totally not fair...My FMIL wanted around 135 people and I wanted to keep the TOTAL al 200....So what does that leave me? 70 people??? I DONT THINK SO...So she has some MAJOR cutting to do!
Our venue can hold more than 250, which is what our list is at now. And yes, his family is bigger than mine, but his mother is also inviting a lot of her friends. I had my fiancee look at the list and he didn't know who at least 10 people were! And he said "oh thats one of their friends".
I mean if you have an extra $30 at over a $100 a head, I'm pretty sure I could do a lot with that money towards other aspects of the wedding...so I guess thats my point.
Some of my friends have told me that they usually just went to FMIL and said "you can invite 70 people". Instead of asking for a list. I am wondering if I made a bad decision by letting it be so open...
I'm in the same situation. I don't think the guest list has to necessarily be equal, but you should both agree on who on each side gets invited. Like what types of relatives, etc. If he has more aunts, uncles, and cousins than you, then so be it. However, if his guest list includes every person and their mother and yours doesn't, there is a problem. You should make a limitation based on what types of family members and friends (i.e. only very close family friends, or something like that).
We're also dealing with this. I go back and forth between just saying "oh well" and being really frustrated by it. While FIs family is bigger than mine, his parents have chosen to invite a lot of randoms that are supposedly super close friends. I feel like they completely overlooked our desire to have a more personal wedding. The only good thing is that most of their guests are out of town, so only if they find our wedding to be a worthwhile journey will they make it. Hopefully that will help to weed out the randoms.
ETA- so far I have paid for EVERYTHING so I am very sensitive to the guest list. FI called his mom to discuss a couple of people on there and told him to quit being so anal about it. Ummmm, maybe if you were paying then you'd get it.
Yeah, try splitting the list even and speak with FMIL about cutting her side to fit the figure. The thing about asking her to foot the bill for extras can be complicated, since I'm sure regardless of her paying or not, you don't want a lot of strangers at your special day....especially when you could have invited more friends!
This is the dilemma that I have...FI' family continues to want to add distance relatives and their friends, whom my fiance is either not close to or just doesn't know.
@lampshade127....I totally feel your pain....I'm paying for about 75% of the wedding myself as well...with fiance contributing more after completing medical school....my parents have helped as much as possible, about 10%...and of course only an offer ot pay for rehearsal dinner, which we are very grateful for. But I do get super irriated by the fact that as the day draws near, they all of a sudden want to add folks and willing to pay for them....it's like ok, you are only helping so that I can put people on the guestlist...that's not right!
Even though my family is much bigger and I'm paying for most of the wedding, from teh very beginning fiance and I took the total number we could afford and split in half. So anytime FMIL complains about not being able to added extra random folks because my family is so big....fiance gladly reminds her that we split the list even!!!
Oh yes. I am going through this, too. My mom and I are paying for the wedding, and my FI and I originally wanted an intimate ceremony and reception. Since most of my family is deceased, I only have 60 people on the list; these represent both my friends and my mom's friends.
I drafted up a list that represented FI's family (his is huge) and came up with about 115. His parents? Tacked almost 50 people onto THAT list. So right now, we've got 60 people on my side and 165 on his. This is so much bigger than I ever wanted or planned for, sigh. His parents have offered to pay for any guests that go over our (already creeping) budget, but still. I am not comfortable with that many people, many of whom I have never met (!), watching as I take sacred vows with my FI. Sigh. Just sigh. We have already tried to negotiate with his parents, but their stock answer is "well, we'll just help pay for the extras."
Y'alls are not alone.
@Mrs2theDr- my FI is also in medical school so I feel your pain on that too.
His parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner too which we are also very grateful for. Although I do worry that they will extend invitations to many of their other friends since they are hosting it. I was hoping for something a little more intimate so that we can spend more quality time with those closest to us.
The part that gets to me the most is that they are still talking about adding people. We are sending out invitations TODAY--I feel like it's a little too late to have random names coming from the sky. If these people were important then their names should have come up a year ago when we made our preliminary list. I guess I feel like it has become my FMILs event. What happened to it being our day?
@little andrea---Aside from just not wanting all of those people I really do feel uncomfortable giving my future in laws a tally of the extra guests they owe us money for. I would have been completely happy eloping but felt pressured to have an event. I hate feeling like I'm just ready for it to be over.
@lampshade127 - YES! EXACTLY! I feel this way also. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel super uncomfortable telling FI's parents that they owe us X amount of dollars to cover the overlap. I talked with my mom about it, and she felt this way, too.
It sounds like you and I are very much in the same boat, so I really feel for you! If you ever need to vent about any of this, please feel free -- sometimes simply knowing you're not the only bride out there going through this helps!
Don't invite all 100 of her people! Its that easy! Ask her to edit it, to take off the people that it wouldn't kill them to not have there. Our venue only accommodates 120 and my FMIL's list had 91 people on it! (That doesn't even include FFIL - they're divorced). If I'd just let them leave it that way, there may not have even been room for my parents. I told her about the size constraints and she understood. Now its looking more like 60/60.
Same thing happened with my FI side. I have a HUGE family like 80-90 people so we all thought that my family would make our wedding a big one. My FI doesnt have that many family members at all, normal side I guess. I knew they had friends and took a guess at how many guest all together we would have based on my side and who I thought we would invite on his size. I guess at the most 175. This did not happen, now with all their friends its 240 guest. Thats a huge jump. Our guest are 110 people not counting some friends I want to invite but cant now because of how our guest list has shot up. So now MY friends go on the b list because I didn't include them soon enough. Way more than half our guest is his side while most of my guest are just family.
However my FI parents are paying for the bar and drinks which is a huge help to us, they have given us their time share for the honey moon and are doing the rehersal dinner so really I can't complain they are wonderful people, it just that their guest list caught me off guard. I really want them to have everyone that is important to them at the wedding, I just hope some don't come so I can invite my old friends.
I DEFINITELY needed this thread today!
I have to get this off my chest because I am still really angry about it. The other night when FI called his mom to discuss a few of her "very important" invitees she just completely went off on him. As in she yelled at him while he repeatedly asked that she just calm down and hear him out. He mentioned he was only calling for clarification. She continued to yell. Told him he was being so anal about the guest list. Then decided to say "Well I know one person that you won't have to worry about being there, your grandfather!" FIs grandpa (dad's dad) passed away last week. They buried him on Saturday and this was the conversation they had on Tuesday. I am still beyond pissed.
My FMIL over invited by 34 (she and FFIL were allotted 50, my parents 50, me 25 and FI 25) Yeahhhhhhhh she put 84 people on that list...
My FMIL did the same. We told her we were trying to keep the total guest list at 125 and she sent me 112 people and it continues to grow almost daily. Her and FFIL are divorced and she is super petty so I feel like she is trying to create an army to make sure she has more people than he will have. Needless to say, we've been doing some trimming. If FI hasn't seen them in years/met them/excited to reunite/knows it won't cause hurt feelings - they're gone. I did the same with mine. Good luck girls!
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Anyone else run into this issue? My parents are paying for almost everything venue wise---food, drinks, site fee, etc. We haven't talked to his parents about contributing but they offered to (we just haven't gotten into specifics). Anyway, I asked his family for a guest list, thinking his mother would keep it semi-reasonable and my fiancee even told her to aim for about 75 people. She came back with more than 100! My mother is inviting 60. So they are going to have almost twice the invites and my fiancee and I are limiting our guests to 40 each. So it seems a little crazy to me that she is inviting all these people and my parents are paying for the chunk of the wedding that is driven by people---food and drinks!
I was thinking about going back to his parents to pay for the 35 people difference. Or should I ask them to cut the list? So frustrating.