Post # 1
Hi bees just coming in here to rant really as myself and Mr T are having a nightmare with the guest list.
We always knew it was going to be a big wedding, he is an only child and I’m the first to get married in my family so understandably out families are super excited. Added to this the Jewish (him) and Irish catholic (me) thing and we knew our numbers would be pretty large…
Fast forward to venue hunting, it became clear that we would have a slight difficulty fitting in our projected 180 people into one place. So we sat and looked at the guest list wih our folks and lo and behold we needed to increase it to 200. This then after some wrangling has become 220. I’ve gone backwards and forwards with my mum and dad with our half of the allocation and had some major fights. It’s just becoming ridiculous as now both mum and dad are in a strop because I can’t fit in my cousins (that I haven’t spoken to in years) girlfriends. MrT’s parents are pushing him to invite more than his 110 allocation and this morning my dad just said – ring your wedding planner/venue coordinator and just add the girlfriends on we will pay the difference.
THIS ISNT THE POINT! We have conceded and conceded and I’ve struck friends from the list as more and more family get invited but where does it end? I feel like what myself and Mr T want is becoming second place to what ‘should’ be done. Ho hum. Both sets of parents are contributing massively to the wedding so we are trying very hard to be accommodating but right now I just want to sod it and invite my friends and give my folks what is left and they can sort it out!
Anyone else have guest list drama? How do we keep everyone happy without forgetting ourselves?
Post # 3
I’m a 3 time MOB. In all honesty I think you should put the stop on moving forward and take a bit to speak frankly to both sets of parents. Only you and FI know if you should do this as a couple or if you should both talk to your respective parents privately.
Please, start out in a very grateful, respectful tone. Do NOT do this when you are angry. Let them know that you deeply appreciate their financial contributions to the wedding, but the consequence seems to be you not being able to invite your own friends and it has turned into a wedding neither of you wants. Ask each set of parents to start again at the beginning. Hopefully a fresh start can put things back on a road that makes you all happy.
Each family is different. We pay for the majority of our daughters’ weddings and do not put any strings on the money. The only thing I ask is for two families to be invited as they are my best friends and have known my girls since pre-school. My girls babysat their children and there is still a relationship between them. Aside from that, they need to hit the aunts and uncles and the one living grandparent. After that they are on their own. BTW – they see these aunts and uncles at least twice a year.
Are your families putting strings on the money? If so, hopefully some of that can be ironed out with this talk I suggested. If not, are you and FI prepared to tell them thanks, but no thanks on the money so you can have the wedding you want?
Is this a situation where having a wedding with the bells and whistles depends on their contributions? If so, are you willing to have something small that you can afford? Have you and your FI ever sat down and figured out what kind of wedding you could afford by yourselves?
I do hope there is something helpful in all of this. I truly hate seeing those posts when the parents have taken over the guest list and pushed the couples friends aside. Good luck to you. I do hope you will come back with a very positive update for us.
Post # 4
@Misstiptoes: Oh boy, do I ever know what you’re going through! It’s like, if Mom and Dad want to throw a family reunion let them do it on their own time, not use YOUR wedding as a venue. Advice? I don’t know, since they are paying for it. That’s a tricky one. You can only put your foot down so much without sounding disrespectful.
Post # 5
Do you have/want a “B list”? How many people traveling? I did notice your date is near the holidays…so, maybe some people (even some of these more distant family and cousin’s girlfriends, etc) will not be able to attend, which will make more room for other friends you and/or FI would like to invite.
Post # 6
Thank you for advice bees!
@hermom no my parents and his haven’t put strings on the money at all and once calm have always insisted it is our day and nobody else’s. They just want everyone there 🙂 it’s all coming from a good place as I said as they are sooooo excited.
@babycakes24 I have no problem with a B list at all! It ,ay be the onky way round the dilemma to be fair. I think we *may* get some no’s to invites and I’ve assured my mum and dad that they can ‘have’ that allocation completely and without strings as they haven’t added any friends to the list at all. Also had to edit my dates on my profile as completely forgot to do it when we booked the date/venue So unfortunately it’s not near the hols
I think we will just go with what we have and if I upset a cousin who I haven’t spoken to in years then so be it!! And no more discussing the guest list! 🙂
Post # 7
This one is tricky. I feel your pain. My future father in law keeps adding people to the list and he said he would pay for them all, but that’s not the point – now that there are 20 extra of his people coming, my fiance and I don’t have the wiggle room to invite our friends. We have gotten to the point that we are just going to invite our friends anyway and pay for them ourselves, because it’s important enough to us to have them there.
Post # 8
That’s hard. I’m kinda in the same boat because I know our parents are contributing in paying for the wedding so it’s hard to say no to certain people they want to invite. I ended up being strong about it though.
I told each set of parents what my strict limit is for guests and I told them, you each can have 2 tables (that fits 10) so you can only invite a limit of 20 people. And it should be people that really mean a great deal to them and not because they feel obligated to invite them. I told them that this wedding is meant for the special people in our lives. I asked each one, invite only the worthy people that you are willing to pay hundreds of dollars for and that definitely got them thinking. I also told them, if any of them are angry that they weren’t invited, tell them to blame it on me and my FI because it’s OUR wedding and we get a say on who gets invited. If they really really really want to invite more people, then they pay for the extra people because we obviously can’t handle that financially on our own. They actually understood it and are trying to abide by it.
Our guest list is growing too but we have a “B” list and plus we are expecting a 20% decline rate since some of the people we invited are from out of town and most likely aren’t coming so it might work out in the end anyway.