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Ugh, this sounds like a miserable situation. I am sorry. To compromise, maybe you can tell your mom that you & your FI will pay for the headcount of attendees that exceeds 200. Like you said, you're not going to get 100% of invitees to attend and if you do, well you & your FI will just pay for those few people.
Is it at all possible to get together for a brainstorming session with your fiance and both your moms? Even if by telephone? I think that would put the moms in touch with each other, and it would make them both feel like you value their input, but it would also possibly remind them that this is your wedding -- not theirs.
Good luck. Sorry to hear you're going through this.
Hugs, that sounds like a very frustrating situation!
'My mother thinks that the bride's side of this list should be larger than the groom's side, regardless of whether they're contributing to the budget or not.'
It is my personal feeling that your mom is being very unfair about this. Just because your fiance is the groom doesn't mean that his side would want to celebrate your marriage any less than your side would. One of the more common ways of dividing up the invitations that I have seen (especially when parents are contributing) is that your parents, his parents and you each get 1/3 of the invitations..
I may have to talk to my mom and try to get everyone together to talk. I don't want to end up with it being my FI and FMIL vs my mom and I. I just want everyone to stop and be happy :)
My mom has said last week (we just 'finalized' the list with my FMIL this weekend) that she will take the list out of my hands after we talk to his mother so that I'm not stressing about it like I've been. Then that makes me worry that it will be my mom and his mom duking it out over cutting folks and how the bride list should be higher. I'm really hoping that I can get my mom to accept the 216 (I've cut some +1 guests for sticky situation single people).
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I need some help on how to resolve this diplomatically.
My parents agreed to foot the bill for the wedding when my FI and I got engaged in March. His parents agreed to contribute to the wedding as well (I was told so that there wouldnt be issues with the guest list-HA). Well my FI and I wanted to do a Friday evening wedding because (1) there would be more dates available and (2) then we could invite the amount of people we wanted without having to worry more about the budget. Well my parents were 100% against the Friday evening idea as non-traditional and almost tacky. And since it's their wallet, our day is a Saturday.Now in September I asked my FMIL for her guest list because I wanted to send STDs. Got her list, consolidated the lists, added a few of my B-listers because there was room, and sent the STDs.
Then at Thanksgiving when I showed her list of ladies and asked her to cut down the guest list for the shower (bc dad's co-worker's wife doesnt need to be invited), my FMIL said "I dont think this is the whole list bc it doesnt include the ladies from me work"......WHAT? Turns out that she sent me the list of people who she thought needed STDs, not the whole list. So there were more names to add....
Flash forward to now when my FMIL has finally given me her final list (a cut down 79 people), making the final count 218 (83 my side and 54 of my FI and I's friends). My mother thinks that the bride's side of this list should be larger than the groom's side, regardless of whether they're contributing to the budget or not. She didn't want the list to be over 200 and now it's at 218. I've tried the route of figuring who most likely will not come, but has to be invited and that puts us at actually 172 people coming, but I fear that my mom will push for the 200 count. This is the reason my FI and I wanted Friday in the first place and why his parents contributed.
Now my FI and I have had a few mini blowups and one actual blowup about the guest list. I feel like I'm walking a fine line between pissing off my mom and pissing of my FI and his family. How do I try to convince my mom that 218 with a probable 172 is the best we can do without giving up the opportunity cost of having everyone hating eachother?? How can I bring everyone to a compromise? BTW I've also been stressed out more than ever before in my life and it's causing me some health problems...