- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Hi - you are not in the wrong. While I love my family as well, I simply don't have the funds to finance a family reunion.
There is nothing wrong with that.
@Peanuthead - Thank you so much for letting me know I'm not crazy! Having a large, very involvedfamily can be a blessing and a curse sometimes!
I agree. No reaon to strain yourself financially. I thik the fact that you are hosting another "reception" at all is very generous of you.
You are not crazy. Just stand your ground with your mom, and explain that some things have to be sacrificed since you dont' have the money, and don't give in
Thank you ladies! It's so great to hear from other's who understand where we are coming from!
I swear, if I hear "but your brother..." one more time I'm going to scream! It's nice that he wants to spend this money, it's nice that he wants to invite everyone, it's HIS WEDDING.
Ours is OUR WEDDING.
Two entirely different ceremonies, receptions, etc! It's OK to be different!
There is nothing unreasonable about it. I am in a similar situation. My FI and I decided yesterday that we are going to have a small intimate ceremony for immediate family only. It's what's right for us and like you we rather save the money for a house. If our financial situation was different we would have a bigger wedding but life happens. Enjoy your day and don't let them get you down :)
No, you're not being unreasonable. We have a very similar situation. My family is huge, Mr. LK's family is teensy. We chose to have "immediate family", as we each defined the term for ourselves, and our very best friends. Some in my family were not pleased with the decision, but that is their problem, not mine. We are not big event people, would not have felt comfortable with a big wedding, and, like you, have other priorities for the money in our savings account. Honestly, people will get over it. And if they choose to hold it against you, then they obviously care more about being invited to a party than having you feel comfortable and happy at your own wedding. And that's on them.
I agree its your day and you should be able to spend it how you want.....BUT If I was an extended family member who was invited to a "BBQ" follow-up a few days later I would feel like you are just fishing for presents with out actually inviting me to the wedding. I am not sure how you can get around that though. Maybe I am the only one that would think that??
@Jenna - A very good point. We were going to specify on the invites, NO GIFTS. That their attendance to the BBQ was gift enough for us. I'd word it better than that but you know what I mean :)
@ButtercupBo: Your not wrong because you are doing whats best for you and your FI. My FI has a small family and I have a good size one and we have just cap the wedding at a certain number because we have to live after it is over and cant do that if we invite everyone we know
GOOD LUCK WITH THIS.
Thanks everyone.
Well the plot thickened last night. My Mom insisted we invite the Aunts and Uncles, saying it was "only" 30 extra people and that they would pay for the extras.
I told her we'd discuss it, but also asked if she'd be devastated if we chose not to invite them. Her response was, "I'll respect your decision but I'll still be upset"
Now my fiance is really, really upset. He doesn't want to get married at our original venue (the family farm) anymore. He wants to elope. No parents, no siblings. Just our wedding party and their families.
Can't say that is a terrible idea BUT I don't want to wreck relationships with his parents or my own.
This is turning into a massive mess. Why do weddings bring out the worst in people??
Yes...weddings DO bring out the worst in people. I think just about everyone goes through this...stand your ground. We too have thought eloping would be sooo much easier, but we know it would hurt our parents and grandparents (people we actually want there on our wedding day).
GOOD LUCK! And remember to stand your ground!
Thank you, thank you.
I am just so upset. I want to get married on the farm, I want our parents there.
I don't want all the drama.
My Mom is afraid she'll have no one to talk to. I want to scream what about his parents?! They'll be outnumbered 10 to 1 by our family. Who will they talk to? Have you thought about that?!
@ButtercupBo: I don't envy you having to go through this--I thought I had it bad with my FI's stepdad wanting his extended family who live across the country invited!
Either way, it's YOUR wedding. You have every right to decide what/when/where and WHO attends. It sounds to me like your mom is kind of being a Momzilla.
At the end of the day what would your mom rather do, attend your small, intimate wedding and maybe not have as many people to talk to, or see the photos of your elopement?
Here's another update, fiance and I had a talk last night. I told him that it has always been my dream to get married on the farm. I'm not a big wedding dreamer but this is one thing about my wedding I always wanted. I don't want to give that up. I also want my dog, who is like my child, in the wedding and the farm is the perfect place to do that!
I told him that while I would be OK with eloping it wouldn't really be what I wanted. I also told him that I think it would be devastating to both sets of parents to hear that we eloped. I don't want to risk hurting our relationships in that way.
So, after that chat we came to an agreement. We would stand strong with our 50 person limit. No exceptions. This day is about our union not about guest lists and social hour. It's about celebrating our love with the people closest to us and being able to give each and every person who attends our individual attention.
We are going to talk to her armed with our guest list and her list separated into groups to show her just how out of balance the guest list would be if we added the folks she wanted to add. I don't think she realizes how awkward it would be for his family especially since she and my Dad were neighbors as children so their siblings all grew up together. It's more like a big family of ten versus two families of five. It's intimidating!
If my Mom still insists upon inviting my aunts and uncles then we are going to call our closest friends, have them meet us somewhere and elope. Our original wedding date will become the "family reunion day" and we will not ask our friends or his family to travel for it. We'll then celebrate separately with his family and our friends.
I want to thank you all for listening to me through this. It's been hard, I hate drama. One of my friends went through this very same thing when her husband's brother got married 6 months before they did and invited everyone to his wedding. Their "restricted" guest list did not go over well. They made it through and I know we will too.
Oh I completely feel for you. I went through something very similar though not at the level you have had to experience. It sucks because the way my culture is designed, I can't just invite specific aunts and uncles I actually feel close to - I am caught with "how it looks" and how I HAVE to invite everyone. Do NOT let your parents use money as an excuse. I got this as well - the whole "oh we will pay for them" - first, it's super awkward to even be put in a position like that and two -it still misses the point. I told my family that I would decide who is coming - that at the end of the day - I want people I care about and care about me at the wedding. I was NOT excluding my friends and the expense of family who barely acknowledges me. I think they backed off at last but it was horrible to have to experience the fighting and stress during a time that should be happy.
I think parents are so antiquated with weddings. When I told my Mom I didn't want to have flowers, she replied with "But ITS NOT A WEDDING without flowers!"... Um okay. I told her that we weren't sure we were going to go on a honeymoon right away. "BUT ITS NOT A WEDDING WITHOUT A HONEYMOON!" (very upset about that one).... and when I told her we wanted under 95 people combined "IT'S NOT A WEDDING WITHOUT A HUNDRED PEOPLE!" (even more upset).
Parents NEVER experienced the small, intimate, rustic weddings that we all crave and are becoming more commonplace. For them, weddings were 300 people affairs - with matching bridesmaid dresses, terrible food, and were large, large, family reunion type-affairs.
Simply put, you're paying. You pay, you say. If she was contributing another $5000.00 - then maybe you could allow these extra 30 people, just to shut her up. But its your dime, and your wedding. You get the final say.
Oh Buttercup,
I feel for you! I am in similar situation right now, but we're trying to cut even more from a list of 60! We really only wanted to spend $5K, but right now its looking closer to $15K to do the whole party to please the family. We can't bring ourselves to spend that on a party. FI is a commercial pilot in training. Any pilot wives can attest that the bills for training are complete insanity. Plus our mortgage -- I was so lucky to have saved a downpayment and bought a house before we got serious.There is no way our family will be subsidizing $10K, we might get $7K.
At this point we're also thinking parents, grandparents and siblings. And my Aunt who is also my godmother. Period. No friends, etc. Just ceremony and a really nice dinner. We are not the type to party it up. This won't go over well, but its this or eloping, which I don't really want. I'd like my immediate family present.
As selfish as it may sound to some people, we would love to do something different with that $10K if we could ever swing it. Number one is to travel to see FI's family overseas. Its only his parents and siblings here. Everyone else is far away. I've never met most of them, and unfortunately he hasn't been able to see them much either as his Mom never had the funds to travel home to Europe when they were kids. To be honest, if we don't do this pre-babies, we may never go. And that would be kind of sad for FI, despite the distance, the family is pretty tight.
We're also thinking that we'd do a house-party style gathering (no gifts) for friends etc. following our wedding day. We could still have a hell of a party, but it would be far more affordable. I also thought that if folks wanted to come to the ceremony, they would be welcome, but again worried it would come across as gift-grabby, and do not want that. Not sure how to balance it as I would love to see them and have a small 'coffee and cake' reception after the ceremony and then go to my family dinner. We'll see.
I'm in complete support of your idea girl, and hope it works out for you! Best of luck.
Bees-
I thought we had this resolved but my Mom is at it AGAIN! Seriously, she doesn't know when to quit!
Yesterday she tried the angle of "I'm punishing my family by not inviting them."
Really?
Argh. I am so done, I wanted an intimate wedding with the people most important to us there. My Mom isn't going to be happy until she gets what she wants.
FI and I are planning on sitting her down and basically telling her she has two options- 1) Shut Up and go with our plan or 2) Be prepared to see our wedding in photos b/c we are going to elope.
Is that too harsh?
Sorry to be blunt, but HELL no! Your mother is ruining this most special time in your life! I just can't believe it has gotten this far. Wow! Really I wish you all the best, and I really do hope that you end up getting what you want, because your mothers actions are horrible!!! she should be un-invited all together!!!
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ticatica | 13 |
| MrsOliveBird | 11 |
| aussiebee | 10 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 10 |
| janetsnakehole | 8 |
| Scottish_lassie | 7 |
| GelaMac | 6 |
| j_jaye | 5 |
| MrsMSmith | 5 |
| Rivendeler | 5 |
Sorry, there are no users yet.
Hi Bees-
I'd thought I'd toss this out here just to see what everyone thinks.
My family is big. My Mom and Dad are each from families of 5 siblings. Each of their siblings have gotten married, had kids and some of their kids have significant others. My fiance comes from a small family. He has a single aunt and uncle, and 1 married cousin who has two kids.
We've made the decision to only have immediate family i.e. parents, grandparents and siblings invited to the wedding along with a few of our closest friends. We really like the idea of a simple, intimate ceremony where we can spend time with each of our guests and not be swimming in a sea of people.
There's one problem.
My family thinks they should do EVERYTHING together. They all live within an hour of each other and spend all their holidays together, and invite everyone to every single event. I'm the first one that is bucking this trend. To complicate things further, my brother is getting married 5 months prior to me, and he is choosing to invite EVERYONE.
We don't want a big wedding. We don't want to put ourselves in debt trying to feed/entertain 150+ people at our wedding.
My Mom got upset with me yesterday and said she just doesn't understand why I can't invite them.
It's not that I don't love them. I just don't want that sort of wedding. Is that terrible of me?
We're having a simple picnic (hot dogs & hamburgers on the grill) a few days after our ceremony to celebrate with our aunts and uncles and extended family. I just don't know how to explain this to folks without coming off like a cheapskate or as though I don't care enough about them to invite them.
In a perfect world I'd have plenty of money to invite them all. We'd have a huge party and everyone and their brother could come. Instead, we're choosing the intimate wedding with the small budget ($5,000) so we can save for a house.
Am I being totally unreasonable?