Post # 1
FI and I both invited all our co-workers to our wedding, as we both work in small offices (8 co-workers in mine, 4 in his). All our co-workers promptly RSVP’d that they would be attending, including Jess, FI’s co-worker. Jess is a married woman in her mid-forties who had been working with FI for just a few months. She was fired almost two weeks ago (she just wasn’t picking up the technical skills that the job required) and the last thing she said to FI as she walked out the door was that it had been nice working with him and she looked forward to seeing him again at our wedding.
FI’s co-workers and insistant that she is not coming, and to be honest, I wouldn’t show up to my ex-co-worker’s wedding either (awkward). She wasn’t friends with any of the co-workers, just polite to them. She’d only been there 3 months.
I know I can’t plan on her not being there, but I’m wondering if there is anything I can/should do to give her the opportunity to change her RSVP without implying that she should. FI thinks he should text her a couple weeks before the wedding to ask if she would like to sit with her old co-workers, thereby giving her opportunity to say “actually, maybe it would be better if I didn’t attend”. I think contacting her in any way could imply that we don’t want her there.
Post # 3
It doesn’t sound like she left on awkward terms. Unless the guy who fired her is there at the table of coworkers, I think it’s totally fine and I wouldn’t worry.
Post # 4
I think it would be fine to ask her if she wants to sit with her old coworkers, but otherwise I don’t think I would say anything. Honestly does your FI even like this girl or was she only invited because the other coworkers were? I don’t see why you wouldn’t want her there just because they don’t work together anymore…
Post # 5
@anonybee0810: I think it would be a nice gesture of your FI to give her a call and see how she’s doing. Losing a job is a very tramautic experience for most people. While he’s getting a general feeling for her state of mind, he can casually bring up the wedding, and tell her he hopes that she’ll still be joining you, but understands if she might feel uncomfortable. That will open the door to her to express what her preference is.
He was close enough to her to invite her to the wedding, he should feel close enough to her to call her up, check in , and see what her plan is.
Post # 6
@anonybee0810: I’ve made very solid friendships in less time than that, perhaps she saw their friendship as being much more substantial than he did? I would just expect her to come, seeing as she indicated she would both with the RSVP and by saying something so specific to your FI.
Post # 7
@SeaSalt: this is a great idea.
It sounds like she didn’t leave on terrible terms so I think it would be nice of your FI to maybe check in. If he doesn’t feel comfortable calling her than I think your idea of him texting her to ask if she would like to sit with her previous coworkers is good too.
Post # 8
@Pinkmoon: She did leave on awkward terms, she didn’t see it coming and left immediately after being fired. She will also absolutely be sitting at the table with the guy who fired her – FI’s office only has 4 people working in it (owner/director, FI, formerly Jess, and two other co-workers). They all work very closely together. Do you think that changes anything?
Post # 9
@adoc86: FI is indifferent towards her, they had nothing in common and he and his co-workers were often frustrated with her work. But they were always polite to each-other, just polite aquaintances…
Post # 10
Yeah, I’m thinking this is what we’re going to go with, if for no other reason than to confirm that she’s okay sitting with the man that fired her. She didn’t leave on bad terms in that she didn’t leave screaming/fighting/for doing something awful, but she definitely didn’t see it coming.
Post # 11
@anonybee0810: If I was her, I would still attend the wedding. Me getting fired wouldn’t change my mind.
Post # 12
I think you should plan on her being there, and not contacting her about her RSVP. If she doesn’t want to go, she’ll contact you.
Post # 13
I guess I don’t understand why she was invited if she was a new hire. We’re slectively inviting people from work, we can’t invite everyone (especially the new guys). Even for a small company I think that’s OK.
Anyway, since you already invited her to your wedding, you can’t fire her from that, too.
I agree with PP’s – give her a call, ask her how she’s doing, and check to see if she’s still comfortable going if she’s seated at the boss’ table. If she is, then she’s still going… and since you invited her that’s totally her call.
ETA: Actually, I’m going to take that back and say you invited her in the first place, and if she RSVP’d “yes” then that’s her choice to make, not yours. Don’t call her to check, just take her “yes” as a “yes.”
Good luck, OP.
Post # 14
@anonybee0810: I would encourage him to not make the conversation too much about the wedding, and mostly about how she’s doing. It would be a little like calling up a coworker whose father died and spending more time asking about when they’ll be returning to work as opposed to how they are coping with bad news. I know you guys want an answer, but at the same time, be considerate of her. Your FI may also offer to seat her elsewhere, or let her know that you planned to seat her at the table of coworkers, and ask if that’s ok or she’d be more confortable with your second cousin, once removed/college sorority sister/insert random person here.
Post # 15
@anonybee0810: Ah ok, the boss being there definitely makes it more awkward. With the other coworkers only it didn’t sound like they’d have anything against each other. In that case, I’d do as a PP suggested and get your FI to call and check in on her and casually mention the wedding. If she still wants to come, that’s her choice but maybe now that it’s had time to sink in and she knows this guy will be there, she might change her mind if given the opportunity.
Post # 16
Texting her about seating sounds like a brilliant plan. I’m going to store this one away as a last-chance non-rude way to check on likely flakes (well that and hotel reservations since we’re destination in popular area and have blocks for onlybudget conscious rooms available)
what a savvy FI you have