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I'm in EXACTLY the same situation with my old best friend from high school. The only time we ever communicate is when she returns my calls by text message or facebook. Since finding out who my other BMs are, she sends texts telling me how sad she is that we didn't keep in touch. I called her the night I got engaged to tell her the news, and she never called back, so she found out through the grapevine.
I reminded her how much she meant to me and that I wanted her there. I suggested we make an effort to keep in touch more often. I'm not sure how to include her in the wedding without making her feel like she's "playing second fiddle" to the BMs or that I'm doing it out of pity.
Ultimately, all you can do is remind her how much your friendship means, acknowledge the fact that sometimes friends drift apart, and make a promise to stay in touch.
I would just tell her that you understand how she feels, but are happy she'll be able to enjoy herself as a guest. I'd also leave the other guest book attendant as-is (unless you really want her to be a BM and were only putting her on guest book b/c of Alice). I hate to sound mean about it, but I just wouldn't allow myself to be emotionally blackmailed into something I didn't want.
I don't think you should let her strong-arm you into being a BM. Who does that?!
If she's being this much of a crankypants about doing the guest book, what's she gonna be like when she's asked to carry your stuff, hold your dress while you pee, run errands that you can't, etc.?
I think her behaviour makes her a bad candidate as BM. There was a reason you didn't choose her in the first place- you're not that close anymore.
She needs to act like an adult and you should just do what you feel is best.
If your other friend is fine attending to the guest book- leave it that way. I don't want to imagine how Alice will behave is she's singled out as the only non-BM friend!
I don't get why people get so insulted about doing a guestbook. I had another friend mention it. Can anybody enlighten me?
As for this situation, I think that you should do what you want. It is YOUR day!
I think your friend is justified in feeling hurt - we feel how we feel right - although she clearly should have communicated it better. I also personally don't see the honor in guestbook attendant (maybe it was that Sex and The City episode). To me, its more like assigning someone a job than giving them an honor. However, I don't think you should make either of them a BM. One alternative is to ask them both to do readings (which I personally think is more of an honor than guestbook!), letting them know that you want them to be a special part of your day. OR just let the one friend who didn't complain be the guestbook attendant and let Alice attend as a guest. Be gracious to Alice, tell her you appreciate her honesty, and look forward to her attending the wedding. Don't let this ruin your friendship!!
Thanks for all of your comments so far, I guess I should further explain myself:
I always wanted to have the other friend be a bridesmaid, but felt I was running out of literal space and thought I should stop at six BMs because that was how many groomsmen we had. Alice and I have just lost touch and don't connect as much anymore. That doesn't mean I want to hurt her by any means. I was very kind when I replied to her, I even had a couple friends look over the reply to make sure I wasn't snarky by any measure. I acknowledged we'd lost contact, explained that there had to be a cutoff point and a number of really good friends aren't taking part in some way at all. I also told her she is important to me and that I hoped she would reconsider being a part of things.
I now realize I probably should have just had a smaller wedding party. Unfortunately, what is done is done. I know I will ask the other friend to be a bridesmaid after all (I suspect she'd been a bit sad about not being asked originally but she never would have said it..especially since she's been through similar things in her wedding). As far as Alice, I will just have to wait for her to respond at this point. Then I just don't know if i should ask her to be a BM or what. This all feels silly when I just hoped it would be fun to involve everyone. Apparently there is an unspoken bridal party social hierarchy!
I think there comes a time when you have to draw the line. I had 4 bridesmaids and I could have had more but I didn't have the room nor wanted that many people. I asked a gal I had become close to at work to be my guestbook person and she decided that is not what she wanted to do. We have other issues but, I think she wanted to be a bridesmaid instead, so I just left it as I think you will enjoy yourself as a guest better anyway. I did not have the room to add her. I think it is good that you replied to her with how much she means to you etc. Hopefully you both can get past this and she will understand. I think it is hard for people who have never planned a wedding understand. But, you need to worry about yourself making sure you have the girls that mean the most to you and that have stood by you and will continue to in the future. Don't just add her because she threw a fit she will eventually get over it!! Good Luck.
Its your day!
I can understand only wanting 6 BM, and I thought it was a great idea to have her help out! I would rather be able to help in some way that not be included at all. I don't think you should ask her to be a BM just because she isn't happy. I agree with rosychicklet, she is not showing any good BM qualities.
Maybe she genuinely just wants to be a guest. I say let her be a guest - it's not like she said "make me a bridesmaid or I'm not going to your wedding. I definitely wouldn't make her a bridesmaid out of guilt.
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I think that by asking your other friend to be a bridesmaid it would be very hurtful to Alice. From her point of view:
You asked her to take part in your wedding in a way that didn't sound very good to her. She politely declined (by giving you the out to allow her to be a guest). Now you're adding the other guest book attendant as a bridesmaid and still asking her to do the task she already said she didn't want to do. To be honest, from Alice's side it sounds a bit mean. It single her out in a bad way.
From your side, of course not everyone can be a bridesmaid, or our wedding parties would be HUGE! Consider having your ladies be a special part of other parts of your wedding (the bachelorette party, making a toast, doing a reading). I would respect Alice's request not to be the guest book guardian. She has offered to be there for you on your day. If you ask your other girl to be a BM, chances are Alice will be very offended, and your relationship may not mend.
I think letting her be a guest is fine - don't make the BM offer out of guilt. If you don't want to leave your other friend on her own to do the guest book, why not give her some other honor such as a reading? Many people don't enjoy the guest book job since it takes them away from the fun of the reception so that may be why your friend declined.
I'm really curious about what people think that the guestbook person does after reading the comments. In my area (and I think all of the weddings I've been to) the guestbook person stands at the front of the church or actual wedding venue and asks people to sign the guestbook, helps hand out programs, and helps the bride when she arrives just like all of the other bridesmaids. The only thing they really miss out on is the last hour of watching the bride get ready.
From what I'm reading, it seems like the do something at the reception? What? I agree that it wouldn't be fun to be a guestbook attendant at the reception. But can anybody explain this to me because I feel confused.
Wow! Is this normal behaviour for Alice or is she really that green with envy? There's no way I'd let someone force their way into my bridal party - you don't want 8 bridesmaids so don't have them!
I've never actually heard of a guestbook attendant so not sure what the job is all about, but maybe there is someone else you can ask to take Alice's place? As for Alice I'd let her come as a guest and nothing more (she's lucky to still be invited IMHO after what she said and HOW she said it! It's one thing to decline politely, it's another thing entirely to be outright rude!)... don't take the chance of letting her cause you stress from now until your big day!
Stay strong and good luck!
Guestbook responsibilities:
In my experience, guestbook is with the bride the entire time -- goes to the rehearsal dinner and if they're really close, stays the night with all the other BMs. She's there when the bride is getting ready and can partiicpate in getting nails done, getting hair done, whatever, if she wants. Then, like 30 minutes or so (whenever the guests begin to arrive) she stands at a table and encourages people to sign a guestbook or hands out programs.
Her name is listed in the program. THEN, after everyone is seated, she is finished, minus ensuring the guestbook is stored safely or delivered to the reception.
It's really not a bad gig.
Wow, I've never heard of a guestbook attendant being involved in all sorts of BM, activities. It actually doesn't make much sense to me. It's kind of like saying you can pretend to be a bridesmaid, but when it comes down to it, I won't recognize you as one.
Honestly, I also don't see this as an honor, more of a job. She offered to be only a guest. I think that's where it should stand. I think the only thing she wants is to be a BM, so asking her to do any other job would be pointless.
I also agree that asking the other friend to now be a BM would hurt Alice. It might look like some sort of snub. She seems to be sensitive enough about the situation. For whatever reason, you didn't ask the other friend to be a bridesmaid in the first place. She didn't make your top six, so I would leave it as it stands.
I can understand Alice being upset. Maybe she feels closer to you than you to her. Maybe she thought way back when, that you'd be in each others weddings and believed that you'd always maintain some kind of closeness, even if you weren't in touch as much as you used to be. And is now discovering that you don't exactly share her feelings. Is she already married? Does she have sisters? Do you? Sisters can fill up you BM space quickly. Maybe she thought she'd ask you to be in her wedding, and now doesn't know. Maybe she thought your wedding was her best chance to be a bridesmaid. Has she ever been a BM before?
It would help for her to be a little more understanding, but for whatever reason, she's hurt. Try to smooth things over with her. But don't ask her to be a BM, if the only reason why you'd do it is because she was complaining.
I think it should be up to you to choose and for her to tell you that she's upset - I think she's being selfish. But maybe she is just a very honest person and wanted to show you that she's hurt. Whatever the case, 6 seems like a lot of people (times 2) and to stretch it to 8 to cater to her seems a bit difficult. I have a friend who wound up adding another BM to her wedding only for that BM to be difficult and in the end dropping out.
I was a part of one of my friend's wedding last year, and she's not in mine this year. I haven't brought it up to her because I simply didn't know what to say. It's a very sticky situation especially since girls tend to be sensitive but in the end, I couldn't add her to appease her - I did what I WANTED.
Holy cow! Is this specific to a certain part of the country? I have been to loads of formal weddings and never remember there being a guestbook attendant. Usually the book is in the foyer of the reception site and guests just sign it.
I've never been to a wedding where the guest book is at the church. Instead it is at the reception which is why many people consider it a burden, rather than an honor to be "in charge". In my area, the guest book attendant is supposed to make sure everyone who arrives signs the book. He or she does this while the guests are mingling, getting drinks and appetizers. I won't be asking a friend to do this and instead will handle the guest book in a less traditional way.
I think you should do what makes you happy and if that means you end up with 8 then 8 it is. I wanted 3 and have 5. Sometimes those friends that you only talk to once in awhile are closer then you would think. I'm sure whatever your decision it will be the right one for you!
My husband has two sisters that I know would have loved to have been bridesmaids in my wedding, instead I asked them to do readings, but they are both afraid of public speaking and instead asked if they could do the guestbook and gift table. Since our wedding and reception were all in once place, most people signed the guestbook and placed their gifts on the table (and cards in the cardbox) before they sat down for the ceremony. I had them wear a complementary color to my bm's, the same color as my brothers tie (my brother was an usher). I think that any involvement in the wedding is an honor, and being in charge of the guestbook and/or gift table shows a great amount of trust and respect.
If she doesn't want to do it, then let her be a guest. You really don't want to have someone in your wedding party that you are unsure about. I regret my moh decision, but it is done and it worked out okay, but she was the wrong choice (she asked to be my moh and had tons of rational reasons why she should be... long story).
Good luck.
I don't think you should make either GB girl a BM. If Alice wants to be like that, then let her, and I think you friend will be fine by herself. How many guests will you have? It sounds like the church is small, so I'm guessing it won't be 200 people, so there won't be a stampede or anything. If you made the other friend a BM and not Alice (after she backs out), I think that would be a bad decision. It would be hurtful to her and cause a further rift. and like everyone else said IT'S YOUR WEDDING! Don't change your whole lineup, programs everything, for someone who is not content or understanding.
Honestly, I do see being the guestbook attendant as work. I'd rather be enjoying the wedding as a guest than hanging out with the book, asking people to sign it. I think it's one thing to ask a younger cousin to do it, but another to ask a friend (esp one who could be enjoying the music or cocktail hour)! Ranking the 3 positions, I'd say 1. Bridesmaid 2. Guest 3. Guestbook attendant.
That said, you decided not to have her as a bridesmaid, and that's ok! Just let her be a guest.
Personally, I think it is an honor when a Bride asks you to be a part of her special day, no matter in what way. She should be honored that you asked her to be a guestbook attendant and included her in your wedding.
Since she has the balls to facebook message you about how she wants to be a bridesmaid, than you should just tell her that you respect her decision to not be in charge of something that is important to you on your special day and would be happy to have her as a guest. Giving in to her tentrum might lead to others.
As for the other girl who did not refuse to help you on your wedding, keep her as is. I think one is plenty to take care of the guest book duty.
Good luck!
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Well, tricky resolution:
I couldn't decide what to do, so I just thought I'd end up asking both girls to be a BM -- it would just be more fun anyway. So I went ahead and asked the other girl. But, I thought I'd wait and see how Alice responded, if she still wanted to be a part of things or what. She replied to my "please reconsider" email saying she just wants to be a guest, she doesn't like doing guestbook (which she only would have manned at the church) and she understands that some friendships just drift apart. In fact, she thought the last time we hung out things were kind of weird anyway -- we both have our own lives now and probably just won't be as close anymore.
Honestly, if I had to do things over again, I would consider having a much, much smaller bridal party. Probably just family and one friend (so 4). With such closeknit group of friends though, it would've been hard to find other things for everyone. On the other hand, it will be really fun to have everyone involved. I would've just left everything alone if Alice hadn't spoken up in the first place. After she did, I began worrying about the other girl (we're closer and keep in contact, see each other even though she lives 12 hours away) and realized I'd wanted her to be in it the whole time anyway and felt really dumb. I'd thought I had some sort of limit due to space/budget/# groomsmen. She was thrilled, knew I'd wanted her, etc. Hard to explain.
I hope I have not messed things up too much or made them worse, I don't know if I have to say anything else to Alice about the other friend being a bridesmaid (probably a very bad idea), if I need to extend the invite to Alice even after her reply, or if I can just let it go (relief). I still feel weird about the whole situation - I don't like girly back and forth games. I just like for everyone to get along and have a good time -- who doesn't, right?
So you didn't ask Alice to be a BM, but she responded to your e-mail by saying that you both have been drifting apart etc.? Do I have that right?
What do you think of it all? Do you think she's trying to "save face" or really just realizing that you weren't as close as you used to be?
On the one hand, after her reply, it would be weird to ask her to be a BM, IMO. But on the other hand, I do think she'll be hurt when she discovers the other girl has been promoted. By any chance, is she unaware of who was a BM in the first place? Or how many BM's you had?
Nope, didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid. I decided to stop worrying about it. Things would've been left alone had she not decided she didn't want to do guestbook. It was kind of a silly situation that didn't have to happen. She probably was just hurt and did not like being placed "below" some other BMs...but I do not know for sure, maybe she really doesn't like guestbook?? It really is too bad because it would have been fun for her to be around. At this point, although I'm letting it go completely (or I will soon), it might not be so fun for her to be a BM. Who knows what else would come up! If she ever brings up why I asked the other girl to be a BM after all, I'll reiterate that I'd wanted them both to be BMs in the first place (truly did want the other girl, but Alice and I really aren't good friends anymore), thought I had to cut things off at six due to budget and space, didn't want her to be the only non-BM, AND didn't want to have just one friend not a BM. Live and learn, right? Hopefully she will also move past it and everyone will just enjoy themselves.
Regardless, I am very excited about my bridal party and love all of them dearly -- we'll have a blast. I'll focus on that instead! 193 days!
Thanks for all the advice!
Glad to hear Miss Marshmallow! I'm a bit late to reply but I totally agree on what you did. It's an HONOR to be a bridesmaid and it's not right to demand it or think you qualify as one. Even if your feelings are hurt, there is no excuse for acting so immaturely. The women standing with you should be who you REALLY want standing wtih you for a reason.
I personally don't think it's wrong to decline being part of the wedding, but it shouldn't have been done with such resentment "been there done that" attitude. How horrible does that sound? A polite decline should suffice- since this is a celebration of two people and not about what sounds like a chore to me as a guest. I still can't believe how many guests center the attention around themselves when they're supposed to be celebrating someone else's day! sheesh!
I'm not sure that it's exactly an honor to do guestbook, but it does show that you want the person to be involved. However I think you should respect her request to NOT be involved even if, yes, her way of saying so was kind of rude. By no means do you have to upgrade her to bridesmaid. She doesn't get to choose what role she has in the wedding, but she can choose whether or not she wants a role at all.
I have done guestbook before and it was for a good friend, but not best friend. I wasn't invited to the bm luncheon or to go back and get ready with them. I did my "gig" which was getting people to sign (was at the church) as they entered. I did have a nice corsage and other than that???Nothing much.
It's imho, a way of saying "I really like you alot, you're a good friend, but you're not my best friend or relative yet I don't want to leave you out". Like bridesmaid runner up to be honest.
Miss Marshmallow: Love your attitude about the situation & I think the decision you made was definately the right one!
I apologize if another comment already says something similar to this, but I have been given the "honor" of handing out programs or asking people to sign the guestbook at three different weddings (2 cousins and a friend of my sister's) and I would've much rather have been a guest. I personally don't think it's necessary to have attendants to do those tasks, and I'd rather my friends that aren't in my bridal party have a good time at the wedding.
I've only ever seen the Guest Book scenerio on that Sex and the City episode when Miranda was asked to do the guest book, and she was very offended. I'm not saying I've never attended a wedding where a guest book attendant was utilized, I've just never noticed (which may be the point). I think it's uneccessary for someone to be standing by the book, therefore I don't plan to ask anyone to do this at my wedding, plus there's the stigma attached to it. A book with a pen should be sufficient I think? Maybe it's just the part of the country I'm in. My nephews will be passing out programs. I completely agree with Tachee, she probably just wants to be a guest...
On the other hand, who are these girls that WANT to be a bridesmaid? I've always jumped for joy upon hearing I'm not going to be in a bridal party (no matter how dear of a friend).
Guess we all have different opinions, eh? I think guestbooks can be managed just fine on their own - as such, mine now will be. However, in order to involve people, sometimes guestbook is a position given to people. Normally, in MY circle of friends, it is an honor -- a fun way to be involved with little responsibility. It doesn't take much work, your name is in the program, you get to socialize with people. Apparently, a lot of people look upon the position with distaste, which was previously unknown to me. I guess I always just enjoyed being a part of things when I was one. I don't think it is some regional thing, probably just a relational custom.
As far as being a bridesmaid goes, I've ALWAYS had fun being one. Then again, it's been for family and close friends who haven't required us to spend a ton of money. If I'd been a BM for a bridezilla, things would've been different. I'm sorry you've haven't had much fun with it, daza.
I agree with Miss M., I still don't get the big deal. If we all are happy for our good friends, why can't we all just do a job that requires really minimal work for about 2 hours out of our lives so that they can include us in their wedding and/or make their day go by smoothly? Personally, I feel honored to be involved in a wedding in any way that I can (and believe me, I've done everything, from guestbook, to cake cutting, to playing instruments at the wedding that I hadn't played in years, to being a bridesmaid and buying the dress that I will barely wear again). But I think that the important thing to remember is that whoever is asking you is supposed to be your friend, it is HER day, not yours. That's the thing that I didn't like about Alice in your situation, Miss M., that she turned your event and your day around and made it about her. I think that's just selfish. I'm glad it worked out though!
PS- I understand that some people are bridezillas and that being in those kinds of weddings stinks. But I don't think that being a guestbook attendant should be insulting to people--the bride is just trying to make you involved, not trying to bog you down with an unsavory job, because yeah, a guestbook could totally be left unattended. Be honored that you have such good friends!
I just think being a guest is the #1 gig. :) My 2 sister's requested to do the readings as neither of them wanted to be a bridesmaid (they are both in their early 40's), so I said "Great."
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I really need some advice:
In college (graduated a couple years ago), I was pretty close to "Alice." However, we haven't kept in touch. In fact, we've probably only talked a few times and seen each other once or twice. We're both doing different things in life. I asked three family members and three of my best friends to be bridesmaids. Then I asked Alice and another best friend to be guestbook attendants (I'd been guestbook in the other friend's wedding and knew she wouldn't care either way) because I couldn't just have one of those two be bridesmaids and not the other (and the front of the church is VERY small). Really, I just wanted them all to be a part of everything! I asked Alice to do guestbook about a month ago, and worried she was upset. Just yesterday, she sent me a message on Facebook (yes, facebook) informing me that she was very upset not to have been chosen as a bridesmaid. She did not want to do guestbook because she had "been there, done that, and (is) not a fan." Instead, she would just attend as a guest. Okay, I asked her to reconsider, but now I feel sort of weird about the whole situation.
I figure if she decides she doesn't want to be a part of things, I'll just eliminate guestbook and ask the other good friend to be a BM so she isn't on her own. If Alice decides she does want to be a part of things, I will ask her to be a BM too and just have eight. I honestly did not expect things to go this way at all. UGH.
Should I wait for her response or should I just graciously ask her to be a BM and avoid the whole ordeal? I do not want to be a jerk, but I also do not want EIGHT bridesmaids, especially when she has indicated she is not satisfied helping out in other ways.