Post # 1
I really need some advice:
In college (graduated a couple years ago), I was pretty close to "Alice." However, we haven’t kept in touch. In fact, we’ve probably only talked a few times and seen each other once or twice. We’re both doing different things in life. I asked three family members and three of my best friends to be bridesmaids. Then I asked Alice and another best friend to be guestbook attendants (I’d been guestbook in the other friend’s wedding and knew she wouldn’t care either way) because I couldn’t just have one of those two be bridesmaids and not the other (and the front of the church is VERY small). Really, I just wanted them all to be a part of everything! I asked Alice to do guestbook about a month ago, and worried she was upset. Just yesterday, she sent me a message on Facebook (yes, facebook) informing me that she was very upset not to have been chosen as a bridesmaid. She did not want to do guestbook because she had "been there, done that, and (is) not a fan." Instead, she would just attend as a guest. Okay, I asked her to reconsider, but now I feel sort of weird about the whole situation.
I figure if she decides she doesn’t want to be a part of things, I’ll just eliminate guestbook and ask the other good friend to be a BM so she isn’t on her own. If Alice decides she does want to be a part of things, I will ask her to be a BM too and just have eight. I honestly did not expect things to go this way at all. UGH.
Should I wait for her response or should I just graciously ask her to be a BM and avoid the whole ordeal? I do not want to be a jerk, but I also do not want EIGHT bridesmaids, especially when she has indicated she is not satisfied helping out in other ways.
Post # 3
I’m in EXACTLY the same situation with my old best friend from high school. The only time we ever communicate is when she returns my calls by text message or facebook. Since finding out who my other BMs are, she sends texts telling me how sad she is that we didn’t keep in touch. I called her the night I got engaged to tell her the news, and she never called back, so she found out through the grapevine.
I reminded her how much she meant to me and that I wanted her there. I suggested we make an effort to keep in touch more often. I’m not sure how to include her in the wedding without making her feel like she’s "playing second fiddle" to the BMs or that I’m doing it out of pity.
Ultimately, all you can do is remind her how much your friendship means, acknowledge the fact that sometimes friends drift apart, and make a promise to stay in touch.
Post # 4
I would just tell her that you understand how she feels, but are happy she’ll be able to enjoy herself as a guest. I’d also leave the other guest book attendant as-is (unless you really want her to be a BM and were only putting her on guest book b/c of Alice). I hate to sound mean about it, but I just wouldn’t allow myself to be emotionally blackmailed into something I didn’t want.
Post # 5
I don’t think you should let her strong-arm you into being a BM. Who does that?!
If she’s being this much of a crankypants about doing the guest book, what’s she gonna be like when she’s asked to carry your stuff, hold your dress while you pee, run errands that you can’t, etc.?
I think her behaviour makes her a bad candidate as BM. There was a reason you didn’t choose her in the first place- you’re not that close anymore.
She needs to act like an adult and you should just do what you feel is best.
If your other friend is fine attending to the guest book- leave it that way. I don’t want to imagine how Alice will behave is she’s singled out as the only non-BM friend!
Post # 6
I don’t get why people get so insulted about doing a guestbook. I had another friend mention it. Can anybody enlighten me?
As for this situation, I think that you should do what you want. It is YOUR day!
Post # 7
I think your friend is justified in feeling hurt – we feel how we feel right – although she clearly should have communicated it better. I also personally don’t see the honor in guestbook attendant (maybe it was that Sex and The City episode). To me, its more like assigning someone a job than giving them an honor. However, I don’t think you should make either of them a BM. One alternative is to ask them both to do readings (which I personally think is more of an honor than guestbook!), letting them know that you want them to be a special part of your day. OR just let the one friend who didn’t complain be the guestbook attendant and let Alice attend as a guest. Be gracious to Alice, tell her you appreciate her honesty, and look forward to her attending the wedding. Don’t let this ruin your friendship!!
Post # 8
Thanks for all of your comments so far, I guess I should further explain myself:
I always wanted to have the other friend be a bridesmaid, but felt I was running out of literal space and thought I should stop at six BMs because that was how many groomsmen we had. Alice and I have just lost touch and don’t connect as much anymore. That doesn’t mean I want to hurt her by any means. I was very kind when I replied to her, I even had a couple friends look over the reply to make sure I wasn’t snarky by any measure. I acknowledged we’d lost contact, explained that there had to be a cutoff point and a number of really good friends aren’t taking part in some way at all. I also told her she is important to me and that I hoped she would reconsider being a part of things.
I now realize I probably should have just had a smaller wedding party. Unfortunately, what is done is done. I know I will ask the other friend to be a bridesmaid after all (I suspect she’d been a bit sad about not being asked originally but she never would have said it..especially since she’s been through similar things in her wedding). As far as Alice, I will just have to wait for her to respond at this point. Then I just don’t know if i should ask her to be a BM or what. This all feels silly when I just hoped it would be fun to involve everyone. Apparently there is an unspoken bridal party social hierarchy!
Post # 9
I think there comes a time when you have to draw the line. I had 4 bridesmaids and I could have had more but I didn’t have the room nor wanted that many people. I asked a gal I had become close to at work to be my guestbook person and she decided that is not what she wanted to do. We have other issues but, I think she wanted to be a bridesmaid instead, so I just left it as I think you will enjoy yourself as a guest better anyway. I did not have the room to add her. I think it is good that you replied to her with how much she means to you etc. Hopefully you both can get past this and she will understand. I think it is hard for people who have never planned a wedding understand. But, you need to worry about yourself making sure you have the girls that mean the most to you and that have stood by you and will continue to in the future. Don’t just add her because she threw a fit she will eventually get over it!! Good Luck.
Post # 10
Its your day!
I can understand only wanting 6 BM, and I thought it was a great idea to have her help out! I would rather be able to help in some way that not be included at all. I don’t think you should ask her to be a BM just because she isn’t happy. I agree with rosychicklet, she is not showing any good BM qualities.
Post # 11
Maybe she genuinely just wants to be a guest. I say let her be a guest – it’s not like she said "make me a bridesmaid or I’m not going to your wedding. I definitely wouldn’t make her a bridesmaid out of guilt.
Post # 12
I think that by asking your other friend to be a bridesmaid it would be very hurtful to Alice. From her point of view:
You asked her to take part in your wedding in a way that didn’t sound very good to her. She politely declined (by giving you the out to allow her to be a guest). Now you’re adding the other guest book attendant as a bridesmaid and still asking her to do the task she already said she didn’t want to do. To be honest, from Alice’s side it sounds a bit mean. It single her out in a bad way.
From your side, of course not everyone can be a bridesmaid, or our wedding parties would be HUGE! Consider having your ladies be a special part of other parts of your wedding (the bachelorette party, making a toast, doing a reading). I would respect Alice’s request not to be the guest book guardian. She has offered to be there for you on your day. If you ask your other girl to be a BM, chances are Alice will be very offended, and your relationship may not mend.
Post # 13
I think letting her be a guest is fine – don’t make the BM offer out of guilt. If you don’t want to leave your other friend on her own to do the guest book, why not give her some other honor such as a reading? Many people don’t enjoy the guest book job since it takes them away from the fun of the reception so that may be why your friend declined.
Post # 14
I’m really curious about what people think that the guestbook person does after reading the comments. In my area (and I think all of the weddings I’ve been to) the guestbook person stands at the front of the church or actual wedding venue and asks people to sign the guestbook, helps hand out programs, and helps the bride when she arrives just like all of the other bridesmaids. The only thing they really miss out on is the last hour of watching the bride get ready.
From what I’m reading, it seems like the do something at the reception? What? I agree that it wouldn’t be fun to be a guestbook attendant at the reception. But can anybody explain this to me because I feel confused.
Post # 15
Wow! Is this normal behaviour for Alice or is she really that green with envy? There’s no way I’d let someone force their way into my bridal party – you don’t want 8 bridesmaids so don’t have them!
I’ve never actually heard of a guestbook attendant so not sure what the job is all about, but maybe there is someone else you can ask to take Alice’s place? As for Alice I’d let her come as a guest and nothing more (she’s lucky to still be invited IMHO after what she said and HOW she said it! It’s one thing to decline politely, it’s another thing entirely to be outright rude!)… don’t take the chance of letting her cause you stress from now until your big day!
Stay strong and good luck!
Post # 16
In my experience, guestbook is with the bride the entire time — goes to the rehearsal dinner and if they’re really close, stays the night with all the other BMs. She’s there when the bride is getting ready and can partiicpate in getting nails done, getting hair done, whatever, if she wants. Then, like 30 minutes or so (whenever the guests begin to arrive) she stands at a table and encourages people to sign a guestbook or hands out programs.
Her name is listed in the program. THEN, after everyone is seated, she is finished, minus ensuring the guestbook is stored safely or delivered to the reception.
It’s really not a bad gig.