Post # 1
Like many, I’m hitting a bump with the guestlist. Our situation: my parents paying for most wedding costs, including IL’s family and guests, FI and I are covering costs for the 6 closest friends (and their SOs, 12 guests) we narrowed down, and other things. We didn’t feel right having my parents pay for people we chose to invite. ILs are not contributing to the wedding.
ILs list includes all family – aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, great aunts/uncles, and adds up to 30 people; they also have two couples who are close friends. They all received STDs and have made hotel reservations to attend. On my side, there has been a lot of illness and there are other events occuring that prevent a good portion of my family from attending. We expect to have 6 people from my extended family (out of about 25). My parents then added about 20 very close friends of theirs (these friends are very much like family and have celebrated other important milestones my entire life).
Here’s my question – FMIL heard about the other invites that my parents added. She said that since my family gets to add more, she should too, and gave FI a list of names and addresses of people 10 people he has no idea who they are. FI suggested that since he and I are paying for our friends, she could cover their cost and sure, we’d invite them. Well…. FMIL went off the deep end, screaming at how ungrateful we are. She said that my parents had a “monopoly” of the guest list, and basically accused my parents of snubbing her. From our point of view, the list is evenly split. Any advice out there? Are we really being unreasonable? How is it fair that my parents have to pay for their friends/family to my FMIL’s demands? This isn’t the first time we’ve had issues with FMIL with the joy of wedding planning 😉
This topic was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by lolalulu_24.
Post # 2
lolalulu_24: Why don’t you just show her the numbers? Your parents are contributing $X and inviting X amount of people, then compare that to the amount FMIL is contributing with the number of people invited on her side.
Post # 3
lolalulu_24: It would be interesting to hear exactly what she thinks you are ungrateful for.
Ungrateful for your parents paying for her to have the largest group of guests at the wedding?
Your FI should explain to his mom that it is about the number of people attending the wedding, not the number invited.
Your FMIL will have about 30 people, your parents 25.
Then he should tell her that he does not expect to hear any more complaints about the guest list.
Post # 4
julies1949: we were ungrateful for suggesting she pay for her guests…. in her rage she listed all the things FI’s parents did for him from the day he was born, down to the cup of coffee she bought him that morning. She said that if my parents had an issue paying then FI should, not her. We’re trying to buy a home, which is why we limited the personal guests we invited, and do not want to pay for her extra guests, therefore, we are ungrateful. She said if that’s how it was, then we could pay for our own rehearsal dinner.
We did point out the numbers to her, and she said that “it’s the principle” that if my family invites friends, her family should too (she already has some that FI selected, she just wants free reign).
Post # 5
lolalulu_24: Sounds like the only thing you can do is not let her push your buttons. You can’t control her behavior, you can control your response.
Post # 6
lolalulu_24: As julies1949: wrote – it is the number attending, NOT the number invited.
You are being perfectly reasonable.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2014 - Disney
Wow I am so sorry you have a ML-Zilla on the loose :(. My family hasnt tried to invite anyone which I am grateful for. I have more people than my hubs and I encouraged him to invite more but he said you have more family and friends its ok.
Post # 8
housebee: +1, this.
I mean really. Where does your FMIL get the nerve to demand more invites?
Post # 9
Apple_Blossom: NO IDEA. She in general is a very demanding, pampered and entitled woman. She’s blown up at so many things, I can’t even begin! She told me I was inconsiderate for not thinking of her friends (that I don’t know)… “this day isn’t just about you, you have a mother in law who wants the wedding to be meaningful to her” (as in the wedding needs to be meaningful to FMIL and won’t be unless we invite all her friends) her words.
Post # 10
I would flat out tell her that relationships aren’t what matter here, it’s down to numbers. Great uncle so-and-so doesn’t cost less or more than dear-friend-from-the-cubicle-over-at-work. There is a cap in the budget, your parents have only offered so much, and you have limited the numbers. If she already invited the guests and they all accepted, then that’s her fault not yours.
Your parents had a right to invite guests, their guests didn’t come, and so they replaced them with close friends.
The numbers attending are the numbers attending, and as they are her friends, she has the opportunity to foot the bill for any extras she would like to bring, since YOU are footing the bill for YOUR friends, and your parents are fitting the bill for THEIR friends, as well as hers.
You’re the logical one here, she on the other hand, isn’t.
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2014 - Greenbrier Country Club
lolalulu_24: “This day isn’t just about you, you have a mother in law who wants the wedding to be meaningful to her'”
Wrong! This day is about you and your Fi. Not about her in the slightest. PPs are correct; stand your ground and don’t let her bully you. She is wrong but I don’t think you are going to be able to reason with her based on what you described.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016
We’re literally dealing with the exact same situation right now (except it’s my FFIL being insane aha). We have 9 days until the wedding and he’s complaining that more of my family was invited and that he feels he wasn’t given chances to invite extra people. He isn’t paying for anything, he doesn’t remember ever approving the guestlist, and it’s too late anyways. I don’t have any advice except to ignore it and use it as practice for situations in the future involving your FILs being dramatic. I just want you to know that you’re not alone! (:
Post # 13
My god, I’m so happy that I never had to deal with this. It sounds traumatic.
Also, it sounds like you split the list fairly evenly–30 people on his side, and 26 on yours. I wouldn’t give them anymore. Ugh.
Post # 14
sugarpea: Wow! Yea, it’s crazy how entitled people feel when it comes to weddings! Not just talking about brides… I think I’ve heard of more family behaving badly than I’ve encountered bridezillas. I understand that you don’t expect people to pay for your wedding, but why do people just feel entitled to whatever guests they want on someone else’s dime?
My FMIL has also accused FI of not “advocating” enough for FMIL’s guest list… as in he should be direct with me about who will be invited. She wanted over 15 kids under 12 to come as well, when FI and I decided from the start there would be no kids. I’m just not OK with putting more on my parents’ tab, and she doesn’t seem to get that concept at all!
Post # 15
We told BOTH our families that we were only inviting people that we personally knew. We told them that we were not introducing ourselves at our wedding to strangers.
We also said that we were having 100 people. We started the list with just family – not extended just immediate – then we chose friends – whatever was left over we split evenly between the 2 families. Anything over that amount they would have to pay for that person and gave a flat fee of $150 per person. We did this from the get go to avoid issues. Since my mom wasn’t using a few of her spots she “gave” them to his family and then they are paying for any extras over the 100 person limit. They also are having more of my family at the rehearsal dinner since we can only have 50 people there and my mom gave them her extra spaces.
I would start with the we do not want to be introduced to strangers at our wedding first and then from there breakdown the numbers of each side and who is paying for what IN WRITING. So she can see that you all are being more than fair. Other than that stand your ground otherwise she will know where she stands in future decisions and bully you then…