Guestlist Fairness

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
8387 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

lolalulu_24:  Why don’t you just show her the numbers?  Your parents are contributing $X and inviting X amount of people, then compare that to the amount FMIL is contributing with the number of people invited on her side. 

Post # 3
42089 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

lolalulu_24: It would be interesting to hear exactly what she thinks you are ungrateful for.

Ungrateful for your parents paying for her to have the largest group of guests at the wedding?

Your FI should explain to his mom that it is about the number of people attending the wedding, not the number invited.

Your FMIL will have about 30 people, your parents 25.

Then he should tell her that he does not expect to hear any more complaints about the guest list.

Post # 5
42089 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

lolalulu_24:  Sounds like the only thing you can do is not let her push your buttons. You can’t control her behavior, you can control your response.

Post # 6
3835 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

lolalulu_24:   As  julies1949:   wrote – it is the number attending, NOT the number invited.

You are being perfectly reasonable.

Post # 7
2731 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

Wow I am so sorry you have a ML-Zilla on the loose :(. My family hasnt tried to invite anyone which I am grateful for. I have more people than my hubs and I encouraged him to invite more but he said you have more family and friends its ok.

Post # 8
2173 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

housebee:  +1, this.

I mean really.  Where does your FMIL get the nerve to demand more invites?

Post # 10
284 posts
Helper bee

I would flat out tell her that relationships aren’t what matter here, it’s down to numbers. Great uncle so-and-so doesn’t cost less or more than dear-friend-from-the-cubicle-over-at-work. There is a cap in the budget, your parents have only offered so much, and you have limited the numbers. If she already invited the guests and they all accepted, then that’s her fault not yours.

Your parents had a right to invite guests, their guests didn’t come, and so they replaced them with close friends.

The numbers attending are the numbers attending, and as they are her friends, she has the opportunity to foot the bill for any extras she would like to bring, since YOU are footing the bill for YOUR friends, and your parents are fitting the bill for THEIR friends, as well as hers.

You’re the logical one here, she on the other hand, isn’t.

Post # 11
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Greenbrier Country Club

lolalulu_24:  “This day isn’t just about you, you have a mother in law who wants the wedding to be meaningful to her'”

Wrong! This day is about you and your Fi. Not about her in the slightest. PPs are correct; stand your ground and don’t let her bully you. She is wrong but I don’t think you are going to be able to reason with her based on what you described.

Good luck!

Post # 12
5432 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016

We’re literally dealing with the exact same situation right now (except it’s my FFIL being insane aha). We have 9 days until the wedding and he’s complaining that more of my family was invited and that he feels he wasn’t given chances to invite extra people. He isn’t paying for anything, he doesn’t remember ever approving the guestlist, and it’s too late anyways. I don’t have any advice except to ignore it and use it as practice for situations in the future involving your FILs being dramatic. I just want you to know that you’re not alone! (:

Post # 13
1581 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My god, I’m so happy that I never had to deal with this. It sounds traumatic.

Also, it sounds like you split the list fairly evenly–30 people on his side, and 26 on yours. I wouldn’t give them anymore. Ugh.

Post # 15
250 posts
Helper bee

We told BOTH our families that we were only inviting people that we personally knew.  We told them that we were not introducing ourselves at our wedding to strangers. 

We also said that we were having 100 people. We started the list with just family – not extended just immediate – then we chose friends – whatever was left over we split evenly between the 2 families.  Anything over that amount they would have to pay for that person and gave a flat fee of $150 per person.  We did this from the get go to avoid issues.  Since my mom wasn’t using a few of her spots she “gave” them to his family and then they are paying for any extras over the 100 person limit.  They also are having more of my family at the rehearsal dinner since we can only have 50 people there and my mom gave them her extra spaces.

I would start with the we do not want to be introduced to strangers at our wedding first and then from there breakdown the numbers of each side and who is paying for what IN WRITING. So she can see that you all are being more than fair.  Other than that stand your ground otherwise she will know where she stands in future decisions and bully you then…

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