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@tranquility: #1 I dont think you should be guilted into inviting people that you do not want there.
#2. Would you feel comfortable inviting the parents only?
Well I have been back and forth between inviting them and not. I feel resentful because no one ever apologized to me for what heppened and they basically attacked me after it did. The problem is there are 4 families, if I invite one of them I will have to invite all. If that makes sense.
@tranquility: I understand that. It's a tough decision but you have to keep in mind that you are your own person. This is your day, not theirs. If you have negative feelings about someone, don't invite them...not for anyone! I had to fight with my FI over this b#$#@ he is friends with being invited. I won! She wont be invited and I feel relieved that I don't have to worry about her presence on my special day!
I definitely would not invite their son. No way. And I wouldn't take any c*ap about it. If you feel too strongly about the parents to have a nice day with them in attendance, then don't invite them. You have already severed your ties with them. This isn't a new issue for you and them, so they probably won't be that surprised. It sounds like your parents aren't going to pressure you to invite them, so they'll get over it in time.
I would be open to inviting the parents but not their son. The way they treated you was terrible, but their son should have been the one to apologize for his behaviour, and there's no way in heck I would want to be in his presence again. But like the PPs have said, it's your wedding, and you need to do what makes you comfortable. Chances are you'll only see them for a few minutes, but if knowing they were there would make you feel weird, then don't invite them. If you think you can deal with it, then invite them and make your mom happy. However, if you go with Option B, I would make it clear to mom that you're doing it for her.
@bakerella: That's pretty much what I have told her up until this point. She has said it is fine not to invite them but you can see that she is hurt, which is obviously worst then her being mad.
I would just hate to be the reason that they are left without friends.
@tranquility: I think the other thing to think about (which I don't agree with) is that parents will always jump to defend their children. So while what their son did was terrible, of course they're going to side with him and I bet now that they realize that they behaved wrongly, they're embarassed about the situation and don't want to talk about it. They probably just want to move past it. Maybe inviting the parents to the wedding could be extending an olive branch to them?
@bakerella: That is EXACTLY what my parents have said. That basically they know what he did was wrong but feel so ashamed that they don't want to mention it ever again.
I actually feel so hurt talking about it because it has been so long and I have not attended a lot events that they have invited me to because I am holding a grudge. They were basically my family for a long time and it just angers me to see what it has come to.
@tranquility: Grudges only hurt you. If you were friends with these people up until this event and you know that they understand that you were in the right. Can you not move past the event with the parents (I am not saying invite the son.) and allow them to be part of your day?
Dont be talked into this! If you dont feel comfortable, DO NOT INVITE THEM! It is your day.
I say no becasue obviously you're going to feel very awkward around them and you don't need that.
It's up to you whether you want to forgive them. In some ways it might be beneficial for you to let go of things. But be honest with yourself: if forgiving them means never speaking of this again and pretending it didn't happen, is that going to be okay with you? Or do you need some closure before you move on? It's not uncommon for victims of assault to feel that they need for others to recognize that it happened, and it can be painful and difficult if they feel people have forgotten or are ignoring it. If that's true for you, you may have to essentially ask for an apology. I don't mean go over to their house and say, "I'd like an apology," but maybe you need to have a talk for closure.
Although I understand that they're not responsible for their son's actions and they may be embarrassed and ashamed of the event, the person whose feelings matter in this scenario is you. In other words, while it might be easier for them to shove it under the rug and ignore that it happened, if them doing that is causing emotional pain for YOU, then you need to speak up IF you want to preserve your relationship with them. Otherwise, you'll have to distance yourself because the resentment will just eat away at you. But it has to come from you because if they are indeed embarrassed (and probably are contrite), then they're not going to bring it up, especially because they don't know if doing that would be okay with you or if it'll just bring up bad memories.
So I guess my advice is (after all that) it appears that in the situation you are in now, you would be too uncomfortable with them there. So don't invite them unless something's done to change that comfort level. I think the olive branch, if you want to extend it, might have to be extended before the wedding; the wedding itself is probably not what you want to be the olive branch.
@JennyW1: Seriously, this is how I feel. I feel like I just need an apology and I can move on. I know it wasn't their fault but seriously it hurts me that no one, NOT ONE person said sorry to me. They said sorry to my parents, but my parents were not there. They did not feel the pain I felt so why did they get an apology.
I would love things to go back to the way they were but it would be hard without an apology. And trust me, I want to be the bigger person here and act like everything is fine. I really do. When I am at my parents and they call I will answer the phone and greet them like everything is ok. But, I have not been in a room with them since it has happened. And even a part of me feels upset when my parents go to visit them, which is often.
@JennyW1: I completely agree with this. You need closure. I wouldn't think about the guest list anymore until this bigger issue is resolved.
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First I will start off by thanking the bees. You guys have really helped me out with this wedding so far. I know it is so far away, but there is so much that has to be done and you guys are so supportive.
Now on to my vent.
Here in Canada, I don't have any "family". All my relatives live in the US. My parents do have a family that is close to us that we have spent most of our holiday's with. It is a group of 4 families that are all related and they always invite us to events and have treated us as family.
I had a falling out with one of the family member's who is my age. We all went out and to make a long story short he tried to force himself upon me. There was a bit of a physical altercation and he ended up leaving me about 45 km from my home in the middle of not so great neighbourhood with no way to get home. Both of our families found and his family blamed me for not "beating him up" and then they ended up apologizing to my parents.
Well, this was a few years ago. He or his parents never apologized to me. But my parents do keep still speak to them often. I haven’t gone to any of their events since then. I have completely distanced myself.
Now that I am finalizing my guest list, this is becoming a problem. For me, I do not wish to have them there. I resent them. My father said to do what I please. My FI said to do what feels right. And my mother says “Fine, don’t invite them” and seems a bit bitter. She feels that they were always there for us and it would be wrong not to invite them, especially because they already assume they are invited. I think she feels that because only ¼ of the invites are from my side, it is like I have no representation at the wedding.
So bees, what do I do here? My guest list is pushed over by a significant amount. I don’t really want them there but yet I don’t want to put my parents in a position where they will loose their only friends in this country.