Weddingbee boards

Okay, I need some help with this one.  We have a number of single guests, and of course are inviting those in long-term relationships in pairs, and those who are engaged with theirs FIs.  We have one friend who is a single mother (baby is about 6 months old) who, although the baby's father is involved in helping with the child, has insisted multiple times that they are not dating, and that they do not intend to be married.  So apparently he is just the baby's father.  We therefore intend to address her invitation to her alone. 

My FI was asked by a mutual friend the other day, in discussing wedding plans, whether we were going to invite "Lacey and John."  He responded that we were going to invite her, but not him.  Now I guess  they both are beside themselves that we would do that...  I am not sure why on earth we would invite him when his only connection to her (according to her) is that he fathered her child.  FI thinks that, as we haven't actually sent invitations yet, we should cross her off the list rather than get into a situation where we have to explain to her why he is not invited.  Help!! What do you think?

I totally agree maple - I am just confused here because she says herself that they aren't - and I thought maybe that was changing, as even though he refused to marry her he has been around a lot for the baby.  But as recently as a few weeks ago, when I asked if they were "back together" she said No, its all about the baby.  So its weird...  And actually my FI says it was never that serious, which is why he was soooo shocked when she thought he would marry her "just because she got knocked up."  (You can see why we don't think much of this guy.)  Although I have to say he is sort of grudgingly winning some respect, only because he does seem pretty interested in the baby.  I would have invited him as well, whatever we think of him, if she had said they were back together - So in that respect I feel like BA - I can't tell what this relationship is, except baby daddy.  Which is not a relationship that makes me feel its necessary to invite him.

I'm sure it won't matter at all in the end (to us) whether he is there or not.  I just sort of pisses me off to feel manipulated into inviting him.

Wow - we must be reading different books!  Miss Manners definately says that its not even appropriate to address any invitiation "And Guest", and that you are only under an obligation to invite unmarried or unengaged partners for those in long-term relationships. 

And I think it maybe depends on the person - I had one of our single friends go on a total rant the other day about people trying to set him up at weddings, and people inviting him and telling him "Please bring a date."  As if, he said, he's not acceptable on his own.  I reassured him that we think he is fantastic on his own!

Well, that's the other potential issue...  We are having an evening wedding, late reception, and the venue is not very kid frendly.  Most of our friends with kids have teenagers - so for those people, we decided whether or not to include the kids in the invitation based on whether or not we feel we are friends with them as well as their parents.  Based on that criteria, we actually came up with a fairly large number of kids (16 in a total guest list of 120).  (Our friends have some pretty cool kids, and we have helped with a lot of college applications, I have found internships for some of them, and stuff like that.  Other friends kids are never around when we come over, and so we hardly know them.)  For small children, we are including them only if their parents will have to travel to attend the wedding.  In that case we feel like it would not be very nice to ask them to leave the child at home, although some may choose to do that anyway.  For people who are local, we figure they can get a sitter for the evening.

She is not really the one person we are singling out - we also have a few divorced guy friends who seem to come up with yet another piece of arm candy every few weeks, or who are basically sleeping around.  In those cases we are inviting just the guys.  Although since they all have to travel, I doubt they would bring some random girl anyway (Hey honey, I know I don't know you very well, but why don't you come away with me for the weekend to a really small town where there isn't much to do, and go to a wedding?)  And everyone else on our list (which is pretty small) is coupled up or pretty emphatically not dating.  There is actually a group of my girlfriends who will all be coming without dates (maybe part of why my single guy friend is worried?)

You are absolutely right Sweeney, I will try to talk to her.  Perhaps she doesn't realize that we are pretty space limited.  We are quickly getting to the point where if we add someone to the guest list we will have to subtract someone as well.  And maybe she would like a night out, which she doesn't get much anymore.  Or maybe she just thinks she would be the only "single" there, and will feel better if she knows thats not true.

Well, that's true.  I am actually pretty sure they are not together, as we see him out with other women.  That's why we assumed from the start we wouldn't invite him.

I do want to say - for those of you with 300 or 400 guests, I'm sure its hard to be up on everybody's relationship.  Our guest list of 120 is all close friends and family, and mostly married folks; looking at it now, I see a dozen singles.  Every one of these men or women is a close enough friend that, in most cases, I see them almost every day.  For the few that don't live here, we text almost every day, and email/phone a couple of times a week. I know my FI emails multiple times a week with his single guy friends.  So I would be really, really surprised if someone even started dating, much less got engaged, without us knowing.  And I would be furious if one of my friends thought I was so wrapped up in my wedding that I wouldn't want to hear all about something as big as a new boyfriend, a breakup, or an engagement!!!

Actually as I am writing this I sort of see the problem.  While Lacey used to be that kind of friend, she really stopped talking to most of us when she was seeing John.  Then she moved to Seattle for a while, which is where the baby was born, and didn't answer phone calls or emails.  So since she came back, we have been trying to be friends again - to at least be supportive.  But (and my FI, looking over my shoulder - is laughing at my sudden revelation) she's just not our close, close friend anymore.  Well, now I am upset, but its true.  Maybe he's right and we really shouldn't invite her at all.

Okay, now that is part of what really sucks about the guest list for a really small wedding - suddenly you are examining your relationship with every potential guest in much more detail than you have to everyday.  I am just a little jealous of all you bees with bigger venues and bigger budgets, although to be honest we do want a SMALL wedding.  The 120 we are at right now seems too big to me, to be honest.

Alice (and everyone...) thanks for the input.  I have been thinking seriously about everybody's response, and I think that before I send the actual invitations I will make sure to talk with every single person to see if there is someone special they are seeing who should be included on the invitation.  But I don't think we have any obligation to spend the kind of money this event is costing per head so that someone can just bring some sort of random date.  In the case of our problematic friends, FI took matters into his own hands and has decided that in fact we need to invite two more of his friends and their significant others.  And my side of the list has to decrease if his grows.  (My side of the guest list was bigger than his anyway.)  So - problem no problem.  (You thought I was kidding when I said we were space limited, but I wasn't.) 

And - I love Wedding Crashers.