Post # 1
Hey bees! I’m a bridesmaid in a wedding at the end of July, and the bride is a bridesmaid in my own wedding at the end of August. She planned hers in a very short time and is just not a “wedding girl,” so she’s turned to me for a lot of advice and planning tips over the last few months.
I am flying from socal to the Pacific Northwest for her wedding, which is in the same city my fiance currently lives in (yay!), so I sent her a text message last week to ask when her rehearsal is so that I could make sure to be there. I also asked her if my fiance was invited to the rehearsal, as I’ll be relying on him for transportation that weekend (either borrowing his car or having him drive me) and wanted him to know if he’d just be dropping me off or if he’d be allowed to sit there.
Well, she wrote back that she’s not sure how their rehearsal is going to run yet (fine) and that they’re not sure if “guests” will be invited to the rehearsal dinner at this point, either. Which I think is decidedly NOT COOL. She said they’re going back and forth with the hosts of the dinner, but that because they have such a large bridal party it’s looking like dates will be excluded.
Am I just too old school over here? Isn’t it completely rude to exclude your bridesmaids/groomsmens dates? If you’re letting them bring a date to the wedding aren’t you obligated to also extend an invitation to the rehearsal dinner?
At the very least aren’t you obligated to invite people’s partners/fiances/spouses? Is there a polite way for me to let her know that this is kindof rude? I know that she isn’t dialed in with a lot of wedding ettiquette stuff.
Post # 3
I do think it is rude but it’s up to the hosts. She may not have any say in it.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t exclude dates, but it’s up to the hosts to decide. I don’t think it’s necessarily the rudest thing in the world to do.
Post # 6
@BrideAliBean: Yes, that is rude not to extend the rehearsal dinner invite to your bridal party’s guests/spouses/so/whoever. I’m not sure how you can tell her that it is rude though!
Post # 7
It sounds like it’s not her doing, but the future in-laws or whomever is paying for the rehearsal. I’d say to make do and not give her a hard time, she may be embarassed and unhappy about it. Most people know to include spouses/partners/etc, it’s usually in-laws with tight purse strings that preclude this.
Post # 8
It sounds like she is already working on it.
She said they’re going back and forth with the hosts of the dinner
She probably doesn’t need any feedback from you.
Post # 9
I would say that you’re obligated to invite the SO’s of the wedding party to the rehearsal dinner, but I think your friend is in a difficult position because she’s not hosting the dinner and seems to have been given a strict guest limit that doesn’t allow for SO’s, which I say is very rude of her in-laws.
That said, when we sent out our RD details to our wedding party, one of my bridesmaids gushed that we were so generous because she had never been part of a wedding where her BF/+1 was invited to the RD and she has been in many weddings, so maybe some people do this differently?
Post # 10
Thanks for all of this feedback! This might sound strange but I never really considered that she’s at the mercy of her in-laws. I guess I just feel like if you can’t afford to have a sit down dinner for x number of people then you do something else, you know? I know she’s had a restuarant in mind for the rehearsal dinner for a long time, and it feels to me like she’s sacrificing etiquette so she can have it where she wants.
I’ll work on chocking down my feelings 🙂 I just feel bad for FI! His feelings will definitely be hurt, especially since she and her then-husband are coming to our rehearsal dinner!
Post # 11
It’s definitely rude to exclude your FI. Married and engaged couples are social units and have to be invited together to social events. If budget is an issue, the solution is to scale back the plans (even if that means pizza in the backyard rather than a seated restaurant dinner), not split up social units so you can have a fancier party.
Post # 12
@sailor: This pretty much sums up my beliefs on the subject but how do I deal?
Do I just have to suck it up and put on a fake happy face for this dinner? is it awful of me to skip out on it?
Post # 13
If you think she’s aware that she (or the hosts) are breaching etiquette and just doesn’t care, I think in this instance (bridesmaids in each other’s weddings) you have to suck it up and attend solo for the sake of being the bigger person.
If you think she’s genuinely clueless and would be embarrassed to learn she’s flouting a well-established rule of etiquette, I think if you two are close enough to be in each other’s wedding parties, you are close enough to be able to say, hey, you should know it’s considered impolite to invite half of a couple to a mixed-sex party, and you’re likely to offend a bunch of people if you exclude their SOs.
That she is not the one hosting the dinner complicates things a bit, but it is really rare for somebody to host a rehearsal dinner with no input from the bride and groom, so if she’s interested in remedying this situation she or her FI can talk about it with the hosts.
Post # 14
I find it slightly rude to not invite bridesmaids/groomsmen, but if the hosts are unable to afford it, then it might be something to just forget about. What happen after the rehearsal then? The bride says, “okay see you tomorrow?” I guess it could be worse! I say wait for her to get the hosts sorted, and then understand that it might not be up to her!
Post # 15
I think it’s kind of weird that you asked and now you’re being critical. RDs an inlaws thing. Your best bet is to just let it go. Is it a far drive to him to drop you and pick you up?
My FI would just be like, OK I’ll pick up some Burger King and pick you up when dinner is over, lol. He would not care about missing a formal dinner with people he doesn’t know. He’s pretty shy though.
That being said, for our RD if DF’s family couldn’t afford spouses, I would skip it ir host it myself
I was single the last, and only, two times I went to a rehersal dinner, and I had a fine time!
Post # 16
@BrideAliBean: It seems like when you asked her if your FI was invited, in your mind you were actually telling her she had to invite him…which is not how invitations work 🙂
I agree SOs should be invited but I know a fair number of people who have invited only the bridal party to the rehearsal, so she’s not waaaaay out in left field there. Do you not know anyone else in the bridal party? I guess I don’t see why you’d rather skip it entirely than eat one dinner without your FI, when you know she doesn’t have any kind of malicious intent behind not including him.