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My aunt is hosting my first baby shower this weekend in a city 3 hours from where I live, to accomodate my family and friends who live there. She's put a ton of work into it, there are going to be about 23 people there, and it's at her country club, so it's a little bit fancier. Today, 2 days beforehand, my young cousin asked her mother to ask my grandmother if they can bring her 1 year old son. The decision is being placed on me and I really don't know what to say. I've had people decline because they don't have childcare that day, and I feel really bad allowing 1 child to attend when the others couldn't (and didn't even ask to) bring theirs. The other issue is, it's not at a house, it's a club, and he's just started walking, so he is going to be hard to manage in a large, non child-proofed space. I want to be accomodating and understanding with my family, but at the same time can't help but feel a bit selfish and that I don't want it to be about her baby that day (and when he's around, he so dang cute it is about him!). I thought of a compromise and called the club to see if they offer childcare, but they have not gotten back to me yet, and I doubt that it's an option. What would you say in this situation if the decision were yours?
I don't think him being there will take away any attention from, besides that of his mom who will be chasing after him. If you really don't want children at your baby shower then I would just let them know that it not appropriate for the venue. Did your fmaily memebers offer any opinions on it?
No opinions from them, although I get the sense from their tones that they are not really for it, but they are forcing me to decide.
Does this cousin just want to bring her son because she wants to show him off or does she have a legitimate reason like no childcare or something? For me personally, I’d probably ask her to leave him home. The venue is not kid friendly and the event was not planned with children in mind. Regardless if it’s intended, kids DO steal the spot light especially when it’s close family members who may not see him very often. The day is supposed to be about you, not the kid in the corner who’s just learning to walk and doing cute stuff.
The problem is, it's more her mother, the grandma of the baby, that wants to bring the baby. She is so gaga over him (and that's totally OK!) but she can't talk about anything else, even when he's not there. When he is, forget it, it's the baby show, complete with photo slideshows of the last week. I kind of feel like they had a month to figure out childcare, back when they RSVPd, and now 2 days beforehand I'm dealing with this and I'm kind of frustrated.
It depends on so many things. Is your cousin's child well behaved? My nephew would get into everything and his mother tends to look the other way and let him do whatever. I shudder to think what he would do to a fancy country club room (the last time he was at our house in the span of 40 min he opened all of our Christmas presents, pulled all of our daughter's books off her bookshelves, ate several pieces of chocolate out of one of the presents, and attempted to pull the vertical blinds down). He also screams and cries when he doesn't get his way (he's 2). If having him there would be stressful and take away from everyone's enjoyment, then I would just tell a little fib that you've told others no kids and you don't want to create bad feelings bending the rules.
If your cousin's baby is a little angel though, I don't think it would hurt to have him there. People are still there to celebrate your baby, I don't think his presence will take anything away from that.
I would suggest that the venue and the event are not child friendly and ask her to find childcare.
She can ask a girlfriend to trade childcare if she can't find a paid sitter. Time for both Grandma and her to learn that it is inappropriate to bring children to events to which they are not invited.
@Tatum:He's one of those all over the place kiddos and she just runs after him the whole time. And does cry and fuss when he gets tired--he's still pretty young.
If it were my baby shower I would kindly tell her the venue isn't child appropriate, and that you're sorry if that means one of them can't make it. It may sound selfish but your baby shower is supposed to be about your baby, not someone elses! I would hate to have people cooing over this cute one year old when the focus of the day should be on you.
I would hate to be the Mom bringing my 1year old to a nice baby shower. I wouldn't have any fun! As the Mom to be, it probably wouldn't bother me as much. As for your situation, I agree with a PP. If her babysitter backed out or something, I would try to be understanding. If you don't want her to bring the baby, I would say the venue won't allow children.
@eryepye: Just read that he is, what my Mom calls, "high spirited", or very active! I would say the venue won't allow children.
Maybe it's just me, but I always thought that kids/babies should come to a baby shower. Every baby shower I've been to had babies.
At the baby showers in our family, the older little girls go, but not usually babies or little boys. I always see it as a bit of a break from my little ones.
I've never been to a baby shower that didn't have a few babies here or there so I do think it is one of the more kid friendly gatherings out there.
I can't remember a baby shower that didn't have a couple little one's running around at it. For me it wouldn't bother me one bit.
I'd defer back to the aunt, since the event is being held at her country club. I'd say something like "It doesn't really matter to me, but I'll leave it up to you to determine if the location is okay for a young child to run around."
She plans the shower, she gets to deal with the requests. Kind of like a wedding.
Of course, my attitude toward baby showers is that I just want to be able to show up, socialize and go home. If I wanted to deal with the hassles, I'd throw my own party!
Hmmm, babies/toddlers/kids are pretty common at all the baby showers I've been to...
I think @Goldilocks1107: has a good suggestion. As the hostess, it's really your aunt's job to make these types of decisions, so I would defer back to her.
@Goldilocks1107 and @Mrs. Spring:My aunt had a fall last night playing tennis, broke her elbow, hurt her already bad back and is in a lot of pain, so I don't want to bug her with this.
I decided to tell my grandmother that I called the club twice inquiring about childcare, they haven't gotten back to me yet, and it would be preferable that they find someone to care for the baby. My grandma's opinion is that because it's at the club, it's not a child friendly event.
Thanks all for your input/ advice!
I agree with @Mrs. Spring: theres usually always babies at the showers I've attended.. but its really your decision here
I agree with the people who said babies are the norm at baby showers. Of all the events I get invited to, that would really be the only one I would assume a baby is ok at (although I would still ask ahead of time, just in case).
That said, 1) they should have asked a month ago before RSVPing, and 2) he doesn't sound like he will add to the party. I am making the assumption that he isn't breastfeeding any more, so she should be able to leave him home. Sounds like you have good reasons to tell her that.
When my son was a baby, if I went to a shower, people expected me to bring him. Now that he's 2, I probably still would bring him along with toys or something to keep him distracted. Not wanting another baby at the shower because he/she might take away from the "main attraction" is a bit selfish IMO.
I honestly don't think it's a big deal at all to have children at the shower...it's not like it's a wedding where there's going to be an adult atmosphere with lots of drinking and whatnot. I'd say let all the kiddos come! :) That's the typical protocol for any showers I've been to.
@TiffanyBlue91011:I guess to be honest, if your opinion is that it's selfish to want my baby's shower to be about my baby and not someone else's, I'm 100% OK with owning that and being selfish on this one. If he were a young infant that still breasfed/ slept a lot, it would be a different story, but he is all over the place. Further, I would never assume it was OK to bring a child to any kind of shower unless specifically told otherwise by the host/ess.
I just spoke with my aunt (the hostess) and she doesn't want the baby there. He is at a stage where he pulls on everything and gets into everything and again, this is an event at a country club with a sit down meal portion, tables with centerpieces, buffet, etc., (lots of things for a little one to get in to as it was never intended to include children). As I said before, I replied to her letting her know it's not my preference and the venue isn't really the best for little ones, but understand if it's her only option.
@TiffanyBlue91011: How exactly is that selfish? It's her shower for HER baby. She is the main attraction and it's not selfish in the least to want the attention.
FWIW, unless kids are specifically invited to events, I think it's insanely rude of parents to just assume that they can bring them along. Just because mom and/or dad are invited to something does not automatically mean that their kids get an invite.
ETA: I've also been to plenty of baby showers that did not include children. To be honest, I will probably request that mine is adults only when/if the time comes. Too many kids stress me out.
@eryepye: I think it is more than ok if you don't want a toddler there. I have a 17 month old and when he is somewhere, he IS the center of attention. I would not assume he would be invited to anyone's shower, and if I brought him I would be worried that he would end up getting too much attention and detract from the mom-to-be....a baby shower is an exciting time in your life and you should feel free to want it to be about you :)
The babies showers we throw are usually in a family member's living room, and are pretty casual. This sounds like a much different shower than ours. OP, I think you made a great decision. Some places/events are not for children and babies. This sounds like one of those events.
@TiffanyBlue91011: I really don't see how she is being selfish at all it's not a child friendly place and it's HER shower she SHOULD be getting all of the attention on HER day.
@eryepye: Here in Minnesota we're pretty lax about showers and events as a whole (I tried having a no kids wedding, only addressed the invites to the parents, but no one here has ever heard of a no kids wedding and they brought them anyway..).
I think if it's still a baby, it's fine. Like I don't think twice about my sister having her 4 mo/old at my shower, he needs to be fed and with his mom :) it is harder with a toddler though for sure.
and IMO you're not selfish at all! It IS your shower, YOUR day! It's TOTALLY fine to want the attention on you :) I was like that about my wedding and when something went totally wrong I was upset, because I knew it'd be the one day about me and hubby! I wanted to embrace that :)
If someone did throw a shower in MN at a country club I would definitely see it as inappropriate for a young child unless they are an infant (less than 6 mos prob).
I would not want any children at my baby shower, to be honest. It should be all about you for a day. If you really do not want a baby there, just say so! Its your day, you should have it exactly how you want :)
I always thought baby showers were generally BYOB (bring your own baby). To me that's kind of half the fun right there being around kids, but then I don't really care if all the attention is on me or not. It's just an excuse to hang out with friends and family who were nice enough to show up for me.
Normally I would say let him come. But I think the fact that so many other guests have declined because they could not find childcare that it's not fair to them if she was allowed to bring his son.
@eryepye: Sounds like my MIL...everything is about SIL's son 24/7, to the extent that she wanted to carry him down the aisle at our wedding and setup a playpen for him in front of the head table. So I feel your pain on that one! But in my experience babies are always welcome at baby showers - then again, most baby showers I've been to have taken place in someone's home. I would just tell her that you're sorry but you spoke to the hostess of the shower and it sounds like this particular country club is not really a place for the little ones. And I would call your cousin directly, not her mother who it sounds like might try to steamroll you over this.
As I stated earlier, whenever I've gone to a baby shower I've been expected to bring my baby. As in, I got texts and fb messages from the new moms saying "I hope you're bringing the baby." I guess its just unheard of where I'm from that a baby shower would not include babies. I've never been to a baby shower where the mom was like "it's all about me today!!! Look at me and me only!!" Sorry if my opinion offends some but I still think it's a bit ridiculous.
Well, I had a what you would consider a "high class" baby shower. It was fancy with glass, place settings, tea, table arrangements and what have you with 70 guest. My friend's sitter bailed at the last minute so they brought her. She took her out to feed her when she was hungry and she held her or her husband the entire time. It didn't distract from what we had going on at all. I'm a bit over the top and it was really ALL about me and never about the baby. It just depends on the type of baby or better yet the adults who should be watching the baby. But whatever you decide don't let anyone give you grief about your decision.
@eryepye: BTW, just wanted to chime in that you are NOT selfish for not wanting him there. In a party with lots of babies, it wouldn't be a big deal. Or like you said, if he was younger and more quiet/not mobile, again not a big deal. But with a room full of adults and ONE young toddler, I think the baby is going to be a magnet for attention--I've seen it happen several times in family social gatherings, everyone FIXATES on the baby. But this party is supposed to be about you. You're not wrong for feeling this way!
@TiffanyBlue91011: Your opinion offended because you called the OP selfish when there was absolutely nothing selfish about it. When it's your party, you get to decide who's invited. The OP had completely legitimate reasons for asking her cousin to leave her son at home. I'm also pretty sure that the OP never said or implied "It's all about me today!! Look at me and me only!!". That was a bit much, don't you think?
I'm only speaking for myself here but I'm not the biggest fan of kids. Too many of them in one place tends to stress me out. Like I said in my PP, when the time comes for my shower it will be adults only, which is NOT unheard of where I come from. I don't think that makes me a shitty person.
If you had intended for this to be an adults-only affair, kindly request that they keep it that way. Just let her know that this was supposed to be adults-only and the venue doesn't allow kids.
I personally haven't been to any baby showers without, well, babies present. I don't think or want mine to be that way either - I like to be around babies and kids. I think I will even more so when I'm expecting my own. BUT that is my own personal preference. There is no right or wrong way to do a baby shower.
I think that babies at baby showers are fine. Even little kids (well behaved, of course!).
If you want the attention to be on you, then perhaps you can bring a little activity bag for the little kid(s) that is/are coming. That way, if they start to get rowdy, you can give them coloring books, presents, etc to keep them entertained. Or, if you are sitting down to open gifts, you could give them these activity bags at this time, (with their own little presents) so they aren't all over you when you are opening gifts.
However, if the kid is kind of crazy or not well behaved, I think it is perfectly acceptable to decline by saying that the formal country club location is not condusive to little kids.
SHOWER ALREADY HAPPENED YESTERDAY :) Thanks for the advice, Bees.
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