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I just found out a date of one of our groomsmen plans to skip the ceremony and show up to the reception.
I personally find this rude; it makes me feel like she cares enough to show up for free booze and food, but not to the ceremony.
I know rationally I don't care whether she is there or not, because I don't even know who this girl is, but it is offensive to me that she thinks it's fine and dandy to just show up and expect us to fork out 100.00 for her food but can't see fit to make it to the 'main event'.
This is, I'm sure, a common topic and I'm sure it's been brought up a lot, but does anyone else find this rude? Or am I overreacting?
I also think it's rude!
However, maybe she is uncomfortable going to the ceremony all alone though, because her guy will be busy before, during and after the ceremony! So I wouldn't take it too personally as this is likely the case because you don't know her so I am assuming she won't know anyone else!
I personally would never do this - but I LOVE weddings and I don't mind being by myself and meeting new people but some people get really uncomfortable and anxious in these situations!
i dont think you are over reacting, per se, but you gotta look at it from your guests point of view. is there a big gap between the ceremony and reception? how far a drive is it between the ceremony and reception, if any? will the gf know anyone there besides her date?
for me, if it is very inconvenient to attend both, then i dont. if i have to drive an hour, find something to do for like 3 hours, or mingle with strangers until my hubby shows up, you probably wont see me at the ceremony. i think you are oging to find that several people will not be at the ceremony, but luckily, you wont notice.
It's rather common in my neck of the woods, for people to only attend the reception.
I can see how it can be taken as rude, but I guess around here, a lot of weddings are like that.
The ceremony and reception are in the same place, and directly following one another.
I don't know if she will know anyone else. I'm sure she's probably met the other groomsmen's girlfriends.
I guess to me it feels like she's someone looking for a free meal.
EDIT: also, she lives like 15 mins away from our location, so it's like she's skipping the 'boring' part just to make it to the 'fun' part.
I didn't realize this until I was dating my FI, but I think it's common (although, I would never do this, as I think the ceremony is the best part!!!) I think it's more common with people from a Catholic background - where the mass can be a very, very long service (1 1/2 hours).
You never know what people's hangups are about being at a church/formal wedding ceremony.... but, people do. Also, you don't know if the GF has other commitments that day that she can't get out of - or maybe she doesn't want to sit alone at church... the reasons could go on and on and on. I'd be disappointed if my guests didn't want to come to the ceremony (because I think that's a big deal!), but I don't find it particularly rude. She also probably figures that who would miss her in the crowd at the ceremony....
I think its tacky. In the South this happens a lot during college football season.
Do you know why she's doing this? Perhaps she doesn't know anyone else there and doesn't want to sit alone while her BF is a GM.
As far as I know, it is pretty common as well, sadly! The ceremony is the most important part of the wedding day! So sad!!!
I agree with the other posts. It is rude in a way, but try to be in her shoes....she many not know many people, etc. so I think it is understandable...especially if you guys don't really even know each other.
To give her the benefit of the doubt: Maybe, as MaryJane says, it's common where she's from. In a small town, it's common to have an intimate ceremony with close family and friends and the reception is open up to the whole town and announced in the town newspaper or church bulletin. Or Maybe, she has some work-related family-related responsibility that she can't get off in time. Or Maybe she has social anxiety problems?
If there's no doubt that she's just there for the food, may be you can bring it up casually to the groomsmen who's her bf and ask why she's not attending and that you think it's weird that a guest who comes to celebrate your wedding does not want to be at your wedding??!! I'm personally surprised that the groomsmen allow her to do this!
I think you mgiht want to give her the benefit of the doubt here. It's probably not that she wants "a free meal," she probably just doesn't know anyone else and would feel really awkward. Being the date of a GM totally sucks, I've sat through a lot of ceremonies alone, and I've considered skipping them when I don't know the couple. If you're just going along as someone's date it's not like you're there to celebrate their marriage... you're a date! I don't know. I've been in those shoes a lot. I doubt she's skipping it because it's boring - she probably just wouldn't feel comfortable.
I'm not saying I think it's the most polite thing in the world to do (that's why I've never done it) but maybe just cut her a little slack. I don't know if it's worth bringing up with the GM and demanding that she attend or something.
I can see how you would think this is rude and even more so since you don't know the women. But is there a chance that she has another engagement keeping her from attending the ceremony?
My mom and I were unable to attend the ceremony to my cousins wedding but wanted to still come to the reception as we wanted to be there on her day. May be there is a reason why she cannot make your ceremony but still wants to be there for you and her date.
It's apparently common with my FI's family, at least. They consider the ceremony somewhat sacred/personal, so if they don't know the bride&groom really well, it would be considered rude to attend the ceremony. But I had never heard about that before his mom explained it to me. Honestly, I think if you're going to come to the reception, you should go to the ceremony as well.
Well, it sounds like it's pretty normal, so I guess I will stop thinking about it. I have enough to worry about anyways. I just thought it seemed odd, but I guess it's common.
I would never ever ever bring it up to anyone. It's her choice and I wouldn't dream of trying to make someone change their mind. But since it's not something I would ever do, it seemed rude to me.
I too see where you are coming from BUT the fact that you don't know hermakes me feel like you should not take it personally. I'm sure she won't be the only one who does this. I wouldn't give her a hard time about it but maybe, if you see her before the wedding, you could let her know she is welcome to attend the marriage.
I never heard about this until our wedding, either! One of our friends said her boyfriend only wanted to come to the reception because Catholic weddings are always long and boring. According to him, only family attends the ceremony anyway.
I told our friend that she could reassure her boyfriend we weren't having a Mass (it was a 30 minute ceremony!), he could go straight from the church to the cocktail hour, and that we were only feeding people who could recite our vows word for word at the reception. :) Obviously, I said it all like I was joking, but her boyfriend did show up to the ceremony after that. I think it's rude of people to skip the ceremony. That's the most important part!
It's rude for sure. And, sadly, it happened to us -- our ceremony only had about half of our guests in attendance (my family, our friends and half of the mister's family).
MY FI skipped the ceremony of one of my girlfriends' weddings in June. Why because he had to work and didn't get done until 30 mins before the ceremony started. The ceremony was 40 mins across town so he knew he'd be late and instead of walking in 10 mins late he decided to just go straight to the venue change at the hotel and wait on us. No one knew except the couple I rode there with.
It was never our intentions to get a free meal out of the deal. I don't get to have him around at a lot of our friends/family events due to his work schedules. So if that meant him coming to only the reception I was happy with it. And I hope my friends didn't take it as rude.
What I find rude is when people leave right after they eat their meals. I've seen half of the wedding guests leave after they eat their wedding cake.
I believe that it's common, but I still think it's rude.
If the gf wasn't/had not been invited, she would be offended, right?
Some people, I tell ya! Sadly, I don't think there's much you can do. If you were to say something, you would be the bad guy. It's basically the same with any other manner/etiquette issue. You may know it's not proper, but you can't just go around telling people they are breaking Miss Manner's Rules.
Sorry!
I don't know. This is common enough where I'm from/among our families that we had two checkboxes on the RSVP cards to indict ceremony and reception because we had an outdoor wedding and I didn't want to rent more chairs than necessary for the ceremony. There were probably about 30 people who did not come to the ceremony who did come to the reception, for a variety of reasons -- some people had to work in the early afternoon and couldn't get out of it (after all, not everyone works a 9 to 5 weekdays-only job), some were older guests who did not feel up to making the drive (our ceremony was an hour from our families and the reception only half an hour), and I suppose the others had their reasons. I think one of our groomsmen's girlfriends thought she might miss the ceremony because she was getting over a pretty nasty flu and we had an outdoor ceremony on a freakishly cold day in August.
I can definitely see where you're coming from: when my mom first mentioned having the separate RSVPs, I was a little offended. But to be honest, if we hadn't had separate RSVPs, I never even would have known the difference that day. I was just happy that they could join us for even part of the celebration!
I don't necessarily think this is rude...in fact, I'm about to do this for an upcoming wedding.
My friend is having her ceremony in CT and her reception in NY. It's only probably a 30-40 minute drive between the two, but I live in NYC and I don't have a car. The reception is right near a major Metro-North station, the ceremony is not.
Additionally, it's an 11am ceremony with a 1pm reception. I don't plan on staying over in the hotel....I plan on going back to the city after the reception. If the reception was in the evening, we would probably rent a car, drive to the ceremony and reception and stay at the hotel.
It's not always rude....sometimes the logistics are tough for people, whether it be work, travel, prior obligations, etc.
Even if it is common, I still think it's very rude. I totally agree with your reasoning that it's offensive for guests not to show up to witness the actual marriage, but be willing to show up for the food and drinks.
I think its rude, but at the same time- do you have a close personal relationship with this woman? It doesn't sound like it...
So, I wouldn't sweat it. It's better to have people who are happy for you & support you instead of someone that just wishes they were somewhere else.
@Querida - Ha! Good point! People get so upset and pissy when they aren't invited with a guest and most hosts respond that they can't spare the room or the cash to pay for some stranger's meal. The response to that is always that the "stranger" is close to someone you are close with so they should be invited. Well, it goes both ways, I guess. If you are vicariously close enough to host them, they should be vicariously close enough to see your ceremony.
That said, I don't think it is totally unreasonable for this girl to not want to sit by herself and worry about a ride while her boyfriend is going to be super busy. Then again, I don't think someone in a wedding party should bring a guest to a wedding he is in if he doesn't think that guest can take care of herself. He must know he will be busy.
I think its rude, but I'd rather have someone skip our ceremony (a full Catholic mass) than make nasty remarks about how long/boring it is. And sadly, we're already starting to get the remarks about how long our ceremony will be. We both think that's the most important part of the day (Hello! Its a wedding - you're missing the part where we actually get married!).
I've always thought this was pretty rude myself. Maryjane brings up a good point in that it could be a local/cultural thing perhaps?
This actually came up in an issue of The Knot: Pennsylvania and they actually deemed it a-ok to do. I still don't get it ... but I guess some people don't see a problem with missing the most important part of the wedding and showing up to celebrate what they missed ...
I've seen this happen a lot at Friday weddings b/c people don't want to rush out of work to make a 5:00 ceremony, the reception at 7:00 is much more convenient. I think that is kind of disrespectful - if you accept the invitation, you should make the ceremony no matter what time it is unless like Hotchild's situation you really can't make it.
Planning my own wedding though - we were debating between a 4:00 and 5:00 ceremony (on a sat) thinking people might skip it if it's at 4:00 since check-in is at 3 or 4 (I can't remember), but then we realized it really doesn't matter. The people closest to you will be there and that's all that matters. I'd honestly rather have guests skip the ceremony than show up late to it.
Also, remember your invitations are sent out so people can witness your marriage, not just go to a party. So it kind of takes the whole point of inviting someone away if they have the 'just go to the reception' mentality.
i think it also depends on the gap between the ceremony and the reception.
but dont forget, she is one of the groomsmen date so she most prob has to drive herself there and while he's off taking pics ect she is at a loose end... i think it would have been better if they didnt say anything to you and you wouldnt have noticed
@Moderndaisy: Yes that's exactly how I feel. You totally hit the nail on the head. IDK I don't really care I just feel like it's weird.
And I totally agree with you girls about the whole +1 thing....I'm sure it would have been a big deal if she wasn't invited at all, since she and the BM are 'serious', yet she deems it OK not to show up for the ceremony that the whole 'party' is about.
Wow. I think that's incredibly rude. The wedding is the point. Not the reception. If you can make it to the reception, you most certainly can make it to the ceremony as well. Skipping the wedding ceremony sends all the wrong messages...that you don't care enough about the couple to be interested in their uniting, that you'd rather have fun and get a free meal than support them as they make a huge commitment, that this incredibly special day in their lives is less important than whatever schedule you're on.
Seriously. If you don't care enough to go to the ceremony, don't bother going at all.
Sorry to rant, but this is one issue I just don't understand. I would NEVER dream of going to a reception if I can't make the ceremony. If there were a huge gap or I thought I wouldn't know anyone, I would go to the ceremony and skip the reception. After all ~ sitting in a ceremony alone is okay [you shouldn't be talking, right?] but being alone for large parts of the reception? THAT's awkward and boring. If the wedding were on a work day and I didn't want to leave early, I'd RSVP NO. Maybe I'd hit up the after party? I'd save my time/money and send a better present. I think that people who opt out of the wedding and go to the party must not have any idea how much time and effort went into them being invited/included. Now that I'm planning my own, I'm gracious for every invite I get.
Honestly, if I were the date of an attendant who didn't know anyone else ~ I'd look at it as a great night to spend with other friends or by myself. Why sit through hours of small talk and awkward silence? It all seems so simple to me...
We have only one guest who decline for the ceremony and is coming to the reception--and the ceremony is 8 hours away from us, at noon on a weekday, and three days before the reception.
I remember there was a night i had 2 friends marrying! I had to go to one wedding and then leave and go to one reception so I could celebrate with both. But that's the only reason why was to be there for the both of them on their big days.
I do think that coming just for the fun part is a bit rude.
@ 2d and Bellenga ~~ I think those are two valid exceptions. A two hour gap is much different than a multiple day gap ... and going to two weddings in day deserves a gold star. It just bothers me when people simply don't want to sit through a ceremony...
I've skipped ceremonies of weddings with really long gaps (3+hours). It's just really a hassle sometimes... and I'd rather be there to celebrate at the reception and be able to chat and talk to people and congratulate the couple. If given the choice of attending a ceremony or reception, I would pick reception hands-down. It's actually quite common. At every wedding I've been to, there have been way more people at the reception than at the ceremony. I kind of expect it to happen at my own wedding as well.
I have also played the "girlfriend of a groomsman who doesn't know anyone else" role. For that wedding, I actually sat by myself during the ceremony and it was no big deal. I guess it depends how comfortable your groomsman's GF is with being by herself. For me, I chatted it up with some strangers, and it was totally natural and comfortable.
Yes, that is rude. I think that the cerrmony is the most important part of the wedding. try not to worry, because this is your special day...
It's totally rude and it happened to us too. It's like "is she just coming to eat?" or is she so insecure she can't go to the wedding by herself? Oh well..I hope you enjoyed your day and you didn't let this wreck it for you.
I was raised with the idea that it is highly rude. However people nowadays tend to do whatever they want and don't care what anyone thinks of it. It's really no different from not inviting people to the ceremony. The ceremony is the most important part of the day so it makes no sense to skip it or not invite people. If it wasn't for the ceremony, there wouldn't be a wedding happening at all. It is rude of people to think that they can skip it because they feel it's boring or whatever their response is. If they can't be bothered to attend the ceremony, I wouldn't want them attending the reception, and I am not a bridezilla by any means but there are certain few things I would never tolerate and that is one of them. Obviously the couple doesn't mean enough to those particular guests to warrant the couple paying for their reception meals.
Something I've always wondered about these folks: do they actually write on the reply card that they won't be attending the ceremony or is it a "last minute" decision that no one knows about until the couple finds out when they walk in the door that they have 10x as many people at the reception than the ceremony?
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