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We got married about a year and a half ago and had a few people not give gifts. Now one of those people who didn't give us a gift, is getting married. We are going to their wedding, but I feel very torn about what to do. Do we bring a gift? Do we just give a card (this is what we're leaning toward)? Do we give some kind of token gift? We want them to know that we acknowledge and congratulate them getting married. I feel very uncomfortable going to a wedding empty handed, but now see that a lot of people do it. What do you all think?
I think that you should at least give a card. I really don't think it's nice for people to show up with nothing at all. No one says that you have to get a gift for the people, especially if you can't afford it but something to acknowledge it would be nice.
I try to not let the actions of other dictate my behavior. If you typically bring a gift when attending a wedding, I'd continue that behavior, regardless of this couple's gifting history.
I could never show up to someone's wedding giftless. It was so rude that they did to yours...(I mean gosh, you can get a vase or candy dish on sale at Macy's for like $25!) Unbelievable.
That being said, I would spend no more than $50 on a small gift for them.
That's rude that they showed up empty handed. Perhaps they didn't know...I know this is a stretch but FI didn't know that's what you suppose to do. He thought the shower gift was the wedding gift. It is possible that they maybe ignorant towards proper wedding etiquette.
I don't think you should do that back to them. Although it was rude of them to show up empty handed weddings aren't about gifts and money (shouldn't be). I would say take the high road and at the least get them a card. I personally would probably buy them something small, depending on how close I am to them though. If it is a close friend or family member I would just brush it off and do what I would have if they had brought you a gift/card.
. $25 may not seem like a lot to you, but sometimes it's the difference between eating or not. You don't know their financial situation, they really may not have been able to afford one. Sure, they could have MADE a card, but still. Don't let their faux pas give you a reason to commit one as well.
I always try to take something. Maybe the reason they did not get you a gift had to do with their finances. Or, did you have any gifts that you couldn't match with a name? In the very least, I would grab them a bottle of wine and a card.
I don't think that whether they gave you a gift should play into whether you give a gift. If you normally bring a gift to a wedding, you should bring one for this couple too.
I doubt they meant to be rude. I do think it's better to come to a wedding whether you can bring a gift or not. We've had some remarks from some family members about money being really tight this year and that some can't afford to come to the wedding and bring a gift too. We'd much rather they come then worry about buying us something! Perhaps that's what happened with this couple too. I'd give them the benefit of the doubt.
I would give them a gift, life is not about keeping score
You were clearly bothered by them not giving a gift so I would not do that to them as retaliation.. If you normally bring a gift, I would suggest you do that. Besides, what if they got you a gift and the card got lost or they mailed it and something happened along the way so it never made it to you, then you would feel really bad. As previously mentioned, you don't know their motives and you should not change your behavior because of it.
I have to agree with @redherring as well...You should do whatever you normally do for a wedding.
I agree... if you would usually give a gift, then give a gift, otherwise I think a card is fine.
Side question, for those saying it's rude not to bring a gift: I'm also told it's rude to mention gifts on the invite, because that implies you are expecting them. But if it's rude to expect them, doesn't that mean that it's not necessary to bring a gift? Otherwise, if gifts were expected, then I could see why it would be rude not to bring one.
You know what I mean? All this etiquette stuff is confusing to me, haha!
@LittleLynx -- EXACTLY! I am totally with you on the battling rudeness issue. That's what infuriates me about much of this etiquette stuff -- totally arbitrary and not infrequently conflicting.
GIfts are not a reciprocal 1:1 exchange. Try not to think about what they have/have not given you and just try to think about what you'd like to give them for their wedding.
I understand everyone's point of "giving a gift because that's what you would usually do", and the gift not being "tit for tat" however, I absolutely am keeping a list of what everyone gives us at our wedding because I plan to gift something along the same lines in return.
FI and I are one of the earlier couples in our circle of friends, and cousins, to get married so I'm sure we have many weddings to attend in our future. I will always check my gift list before I go to any of the weddings...just to see what the couple deems appropriate to gift.
What about considering their financial situation versus your own? We recieved some gifts that we would never be able to give something "along the same lines" so what do you do then? Also we have some friends who could not afford to give much but that doesn't mean we would give them something with the same price tag.
I'd be tempted to be equally rude, but if you think it's appropriate to give a gift at a wedding, you should do it, even though they were less classy than you when it was your turn. (I can't say I would spend a lot, though.)
I think just a card, or if you really like them, maybe a bottle of wine with it.
I hear the finances argument and stuff, but people know about a wedding far in advance. We are REALLY not well off at all, but manage to prepare to give a gift for a wedding. We never are able to give a huge gift but always manage between $50-100, depending on who. Not being able to afford even $25 means to me you're either VERY VERY not well off (as in, the couple will know) or unprepared/unappreciative. We had a guest who said something to us about his situation and how he couldn't afford a gift but hopes to in the future and either way wishes us best. I think if you're truly hard off that's the way to approach it, so you don't look like you don't give a crap.
I should add that NONE of my husband's siblings got us a wedding gift, not even a card. I know that one of them truly wanted to but couldn't (he's in sales and is VERY down right now and barely making rent) so we excuse him. But the other 3 are clueless jerks who were all spoiled by his idiot mom. And they will get cards from us if/when they are married, but no gifts.
His one and only sister will be married in April and we don't even plan on attending, but that's another story.
Card and gift card for 25 bucks inside card. That'd be my gift.
If they were under dire financial straits at the time you were married I might be much more leaniant with my choice of gift, but if it was unwarranted, then I'd gift the card and gift card. Either outcome, be the better person.
I had a friend of mine back in the day, give me a silver plated photo book for my gift and that was 9.99 back in 1996. I remember being livid.
ditto ditto ditto ditto @KJPUGS. FI and I are not made of money, we're both in grad/med school right now---BUT you bet your bottom that we're preparing for the weddings we know are coming up and will be there with a card, and a small gift of about $100 no matter what!!!!
I will NEVER wrap my head around gift giving etiquette. People should give gifts only if they want to, only if they can, and then the gift should be thoughtful or needed. If somebody can't give a thoughtful or needed gift, then I'd be more happy without a gift at all. "Oh, thank you for this lovely....salad fork." or ending up with 15 serving bowls...don't want em, don't need em!
I say if you have a thoughtful gift in mind, or know they need something, then get it for them. If not, get them a card.
It's not about keeping score. They were rude by not bringing a gift, but I think it's just as rude to not bring a gift out of spite or retribution. But I agree with the others, you don't need to spend a lot of money on it.
In this situation, I would give what you normally give a couple for weddings.
It's not really a gift if you expect to receive something in return, is it? I vote to act as your normally would, perhaps lowball the amount unless your financial situation dictates otherwise.
I'm with kjpus. I would do the same to them, maybe a card. If a gift is not a requirement then you shouldn't feel bad not giving them anything as well. They obviously see it as not a big deal to not give a gift, so I think they would understand.
I say "do unto others" and get them a resonably priced picture frame or something small.
Well, you should write a nice letter/card. Beyond that is up to you, just like any other wedding.
I guess I'm going to dissent from everyone here, but if they gave you a card (you only mention no gift) then they were not rude. Gifts are nice but not required. There are any number of factors that may have gone in their decision not to give a gift, maybe they didn't have a lot of money at the time, maybe they had to travel to attend the wedding and couldn't add the cost of a gift to that, or a million other innocent reasons. If they wished you well and behaved like normal happy guests, then they did nothing wrong. Gifts are not payment for attending a wedding.
However, if you would usually give someone a gift, but choose not to out of some malicious intent like revenge, then I would say that is out of line. Try to stop keeping score and just have fun at their wedding.
If one gives a gift at the shower, then they need to bring a gift to the wedding, too? I have never heard of this.... does everyone feel this way?
I grew up with showers are for gifts, and weddings are for cash (or gift cards in this day and age, like a Visa GC or target depending on the person.) If I gave a gift at the shower I would 100 million % give them a gift at the wedding. Shower means you're closer with them and thus I think two gifts are warranted.
Joshsgirl- I have always given people a shower gift and a wedding gift. This is the etiquette that I have always known.
I think the shower/wedding thing is up to the individual. I think if you accept a shower invite you agree to participate in an event that is a thinly veiled gift grab, but the wedding I think you are perfectly fine just bringing a note/card of congratulations.
shower = denotes gift giving. if you attend a shower, bring a gift or dont attend. the whole point is to SHOWER the bride with gifts.
wedding = congratulations - bring a card at the very least offering congratulations, but a gift is NOT MANDATORY. nice, thoughtful, but NOT MANDATORY.
people need to remember that while yes its common practice to give gifts at weddings it is by no means the requirement for attending. you should however, like any guest at a hosted event does, bring a thank you with you whether its a card, bottle of wine, etc. something small to show you appreciate them thinking of including you. thats just regular etiquette (like if someone has a dinner party, bring a bottle of wine or flowers or something for the host)
for the OP, i would give a card in congratulations.
I don't know their financial situation either, but having been in the situation of having $5 left in my bank account in the past, $25 can be a huuuge deal to spend on a gift. Yes people really are that poor.
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