Post # 1
Just wanted to get your opinion on something…
The fiance’s family is close friends with another family that we were not that jazzed about inviting to our big day. Let’s call them the Robinson family. We have had past experiences that have not been that great. They lack etiquette and tend to be over the top with things.
Because of the economy and a couple of their daughters getting pregnant young and before being married, the Robinsons have 10 people living in the same house! None of their kids have moved out!
We are already tight on our budget and decided to only give the Robinson family 4 seats (our invitations say “we have reserved __ seat(s) in your honor”). We fill in the number before sending it out. We did this on purpose to be clear about who we were inviting (all of our other invites, we actually handwrote the names on the inner envelope; in this case, we obviously didn’t).
Fiance and I argued for 2 for the main mom and dad Robinson so they wouldn’t have to choose which of their 8 other family members they were going to invite, but the fiance’s mom insisted on 4. We caved and gave them 4.
Well, we also invited the mom Robinson’s mother and father (who are in their 80s and live far away). It was more of a courtesy invite, but I know the fiance would have been happy if they could attend. He views them as grandparents and grew up around them. In other words, we would have been willing to pay to have them in attendance, but we understood that age and distance would probably prevent them from attending.
Well when mom Robinson found out her parents got an invite, she had the nerve to tell my fiance’s mom that because her parents probably won’t come, she was going to have them RSVP anyways and then just bring 2 more people from her house of 10. I feel she is overstepping and should recognize that that is not how that works.
How do we handle this situation? Advice?
Post # 3
Invitations are not transferable. She was really rude to even think she could just bring 2 more from her household.
Your FMIL is an idiot to force you to save 4 seats for them instead of just 2 for the mom and dad.
Post # 4
I don’t think you can do anything about it. Sure, that’s not “how it works,” but I’m not sure I would have invited only 4 people out of a household of 10.
Post # 5
First, I would wait until I got the rsvp`s. Then , I would have FI deal with it as they are his family friends.
We are happy that you and your husband are able to attend the wedding. Mom mentioned that you told her _____ and ____ are unable to attend. We would have loved to have them attend our special day. There must have been some sort of mistake on their rsvp. Unfortunately we are unable to allow substitutes to attend in their place. We had to limit our invitations and were not able to extend invitations to everyone we wanted to attend. We are sure that you will understand .
Post # 6
@MrsTVLover: We were unaware that there were 10 in the house at the time we sent the invitation. We knew that one of her daugters had been living in the house with them with her 2 kids and fiance, but we were not aware of the rest…We only found out once she had called and spoke to the fiances mom about her plan to transfer the invitations.
We figured four would allow the mom, dad, daugter and her fiance to come…which made sense since this daughter is the one that my fiance knows the most due to being around the same age.
Post # 7
Wow, that stinks that they are behaving that way. However, at this point, it sounds like fighting this will probably cause you a lot of hassle and may not be worth it in the long run. If they are shameless or ignorant enough to be that rude, what can you really do?
Post # 8
@Miss Heirloom: what did your FI’s mom say to her? And, yes, while it’s not how it works, I can understand how they want to fill those two unused invites (similar to the guest whose spouse had to work and so they bring a different date – ok, not so similar, but in a very distant vein).
I think if FI’s mom isn’t going to say anything, you should just let it go. If not, have FI talk to the family and let them know they can’t use the other invites.
Post # 9
@oracle: My fiance’s mom is kind of a pushover and didn’t explicitly say “no, that’s not how that works”. She was really afraid of what they were going to think by only giving them 4 in the beginning. It just sucks because we wanted a small wedding to begin with (~80-100) and we are at 130-140 now…
…and each guest at our venue costs $130. So, it ends up that we will pay $260 for these two additional people that we hardly know, when we are already tight on our budget and over our ideal guest count for the intimate, family-only wedding we originally wanted…
Post # 10
First thing first… you have to WAIT until the Reply Cards come in to see what has transacted… up until then this is all just hearsay / rumour
Agree with the other Bees, when the time comes you’ll probably want your Fiance* to handle it, as he knows all the players… and I’d follow the “script” that julies1949: laid out
*Lol, unless you are the one who has a harder disposition, and because you don’t know these folks won’t pegged into a corner by their insistence / possible begging on the phone.
If it was me… I wouldn’t allow them ANY transfer (lol, this isn’t tickets they won to a concert off the radio !!)
Sorry but if there is 10 of them in the family in one house, it does seem inappropriate if only some from the younger generation can come / and others not be invited… so let me assure you that you did the “right” thing in the beginning by sending the 2 sets of Invites to the senior members of the Robinson Family (Grandparents & Parents)
Do keep us abreast of how this all develops,
Post # 11
Wow, awkward. I wonder how they would feel if they invited me to a Christmas party, and I said “Well, no, I can’t make it, but I found this hobo and he looks really hungry, so can I just have him come in my place?”
It boggles my damn mind how little people know about how all this works. You just don’t do that!
Post # 12
honstly, I would not let her bring two more people. how dare she help herself to two seats at your wedding/reception that YOU are paying for? how does she know you don’t have two more friends/family you’d like to invite now that those seats are open? even if you don’t, she should NOT assume she can just take them anyway, they weren’t offered to her FOR her parents, they were offered to the parents directly. I would say something, this is serious overstepping and I would absolutely not allow her to bring two more people, I’m so upset and I don’t even know these people! WTF! DON’T LET HER GET AWAY WITH THIS, tell her very directly that she has four seats, NOT six, end of story! if she has a problem she can not attend at all then there’s 4 more seats you don’t have to pay for.
Post # 13
Fiance and I didn’t want to potentially put them in the position of having to “choose”, so we really only wanted to give them 2, but fiance’s mom insisted on 4.
The reason we landed on 4, versus 2 is because we were under the impression that only one of their daugters and her fiance and their two kids were currently living with the mom and dad Robinson. Giving them 4 would allow the adults in that household to come and just not their kids. The daughter is the closest in age to the fiance, so at the time, it made sense…until mom Robinson called my fiance’s mom and told her that there were actually 10 of them in the house (all of their kids and their kids’ kids).
At the time of sending the invite…we knew that they would be expecting us to invite their other kids as well. So, we didn’t explicitly write out their four names just in case the daughter and her fiance couldn’t come, they would have the option to invite their other son and daughter to come (and just not their kids).
It was probably the best way to compromise with the fiance’s mom, but it has just gotten more complicated!
Post # 15
Grrr. It would have been smart to specify who the invitation was for – it’s easier to make the argument that the invitation is non-transferable.
Post # 16
@KCKnd2: Well, for the parents of Mrs. Robinsons, we did specify that those 2 seats are for them and sent it to their separate address.
We just didn’t for the 4 seats for the Robinson’s family.
Mrs. Robinson wants to transfer the 2 seats from her parents (who she is saying won’t come) in order to bring 2 more people from her household. She would essentially bring a total of 6.