(Closed) Guests inviting themselves? Anyone else have this problem??

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
11352 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

You need to call her and politely explain to her that the invitation was extended ONLY to herself and her husband and that you regret that you absolutely cannot accommodate any additional guests.  Then, after giving her a few seconds to absorb what you said, you could then say that you do hope she and her husband are still able to attend under these circumstances.

Post # 4
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OMG! She included an extra piece of paper! That’s some nerve she’s got…I’ve experienced this too — “Can my daughter bring her boyfriend?” “I’m going to bring my new girlfriend, ok? I already bought her a place ticket from California so you can’t really say no!” “Yeah, I gotta try to find a date…the last two weddings I went to, my dates bailed at the last minute.” I shit you not.

I’m in the same place regarding limited space — we invited 160, have room for 148 maximum, and we’ve already had 60 people RSVP yes and only 2 “no”s. Yikes! I’ve been saying the following:

“Oh, I’m so sorry, but we really just don’t have space.” (And then I tell them how many we invted and how many we have room for. To my friend from California, I told him I’d get back to him and let him know if a space opened up…but I wish I’d kept firm!)

“Oh, I’m so sorry, but we’re actually not inviting dates for any of our cousins or family members unless they’re married or engaged.” (AKA, NO your 17 year old daughter can’t bring her stupid boyfriend.)

Hopefully we’ll both get some “NO” RSVPs closer to our wedding dates! And in regards to that aunt, could you get FI’s mom to call her and tell her hell no?

Post # 5
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I hear these stories ALL the time but I still CANNOT believe people actually do this! SO RUDE!  We just got a STD for my FI cousin’s wedding.  The STD was only addressed to FI (but it was a postcard style STD with a very small line for the name).  However, if the invite comes with no name on it I would NEVER assume I was invited nor would I invite myself (even though we are inviting this cousin and his fiance both to our wedding).  FI will simply go without me (if he wants but he says he won’t go if I am not invited!) But, regardless if I am not invited and FI doesn’t want to go alone we just won’t go!

Post # 6
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

This is an aunt?  Enlist FI’s mother to call her and handle this. 

Post # 7
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

@Brielle:  I agree, but I think that the FI should call since it is his aunt.

Post # 8
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Call that girl up!!  Use the space excuse.  “Due to space constraints in our venue we are unable to accommodate extra guests at this time.”

We had a similiar situation where my MIL wrote out an extensive guest list with lots of single people on them.  So that’s who we invited.  Mr. Tom Cruise.  Well, lo and behold he writes back plus 2 guests.  Turns out he wanted to bring his current girlfriend and his ADULT son.  MIL refused to call them as she was embarassed.  Uh…  Your +2 is costing us an extra $300!!!  At that point I could care less.  And most of his family was not coming so I just added them.  I know exactly what you are going through.  Put your foot down cause once word spreads you let so and so in than everyone will think they are entitled.  I did use the phrase “This is not a hoedown!!”

And BTW FI had NEVER met any of them.  In fact he was MIL’s 3rd cousin!!  And for that we got a $75 check.  Awesome…

Post # 9
Member
805 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Have FI call aunt when he gets home from work, nip it in the bud!

(OMG the NERVE of some people! I’m stunned!)

Post # 10
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Padua Hills Theater

Wow, that’s one for the books. I think you have every right to let her know they can’t come. I like the idea of maybe having your FI’s Mom call her, but parents can sometimes be a little thin skinned about things and will end up saying, oh it’s fine if they come whats the harm. So it might be better coming from you or your FI. 

Post # 11
Member
11352 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@CEtoSAHM:  Yes, you’re right.  I guess I read and responded to the thread so quickly that I did not really take time to absorb the fact that it was her FI’s aunt who had done this.  Good call! 🙂

Post # 12
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

My FI’s sister (who is in the wedding) is throwing a fit because we invited her with a guest (thinking she’d bring her boyfriend) and now she wants to bring her boyfriend and another guest who is just a girl friend she’d like to have there to hang out with.  We tried to politely explain that we are already over our guest limit (invited 170 hoping for 140) and we just can’t let her bring two guests.  She is not happy about it, but we are laying our foot down on this one.  She’ll understand one day when she’s planning her own wedding…Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2023

I just can’t wrap my head around people who do this. It makes me so cross!

The last wedding I went to, two people just rocked up for the reception (hadn’t even gone to the ceremony, and were in no way invited) and sat in two other people’s seats. From what I hear it was madness trying to get rid of them – though I am really impressed that noone (except the people on the table they’d sat at, and the bride’s father) was any the wiser – we only found out a few weeks later.

 

I suggest that you just stay firm. Don’t say anything about finances, don’t give a reason for your descision (which gives them space to argue), just tell the aunt that they can not come.

Start with an ‘I’m sorry, but that will not be possible.’ If she persists, drop the ‘sorry’ and just repeat ‘That will not be possible’ until she gets the message.

Post # 14
Member
11273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i just shake my head when i read about things like this.  why don’t people read the envelope that states exactly who is invited to the wedding.  that many people can’t be unaware of wedding etiquette (or any function for that matter).

i think your fi should call his aunt and explain that the venue is at capicity with your current guest list.

Post # 15
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

About five years ago I think I may have done this to a cousin….I don’t know for sure if I for sure did not have a plus one, but I now suspect that I didn’t. No one ever said anything to me for bringing my boyfriend at the time, but looking back now it makes me cringe so bad!

Sometimes well intentioned people assume. I was young and stupid, and my parents didn’t know any better I don’t think. And you know what happens when you assume….you make an a** out of you and me! 

5 months out from my own wedding, I’m already starting to deal with this. It seems that everybody expects a plus one! And it doesn’t help that FMIL keeps insisting on inviting going ahead and inviting more and more of her old friends/neighbors.

But I have to agree that adding in a slip of paper with an address of someone you don’t know, bascially TELLING you to send them an invitation is pretty obtuse. 

Have your fiance or your FMIL call your aunt and use the space excuse.  

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