Weddingbee boards

Does anyone else whose parents are paying for most of the wedding feel unreasonably guilty about it?

I am a very frugal person; spending large amounts of money scares the hell out of me.  The idea of my parents spending over $10,000 on me for a wedding pretty much disgusts me.  We just decided on a date two days ago, and I literally cried for an entire day because I felt so guilty. 

I know that my parents very much want to do this for us -- we were going to get married at city hall and changed our plans because our parents wanted a real wedding.  I know that they are completely okay with it financially and are excited about it.  There is absolutely no reason for me to feel bad about it, but I can't help it.  I woke up at four o'clock this morning thinking about it, and I'm really afraid that I will feel guilty about this every day for the rest of my life.

I've asked my parents if they would allow us to pay them back after the wedding with the money we make from it, but I know they would never accept that.

Having a smaller wedding is not an option. We shopped around for the most affordable venue we could find that didn't look too cheap. We both have large families, and my family has lots of friends, and neither my parents nor I would be comfortable having a wedding without all of those people there (about 140).

Does anyone else feel this way, or am I just crazy?  Any suggestions on how to get over it? Should we just not have a wedding?

Gosh, I can understand how difficult this is.  We're having a tough time accepting the offer to buy wine/beer/sake by FMIL. Your parents are doing this for you, most likely, because you are such a frugal person.  You're not extravagent in your daily life, so it's right to splurge on your wedding day.  They want you to not worry about money when planning your wedding.  Choose the elements that make you happy.  If you're happy, they'll be happy

I know exactly what you're going through.  I have so much other stuff going on in my life right now, sometimes it seems SO SILLY to be paying this much for one day.  

But then I'm reminded how important this one day is to not only FI and I, but to my parents and his parents as well.  And they want to do it for us.  

@Rgeddy: We are paying for some things: Photography (taking a huge bite out of my savings), invitations, favors if we have them, our clothes and rings. And his parents are paying for the flowers, alcohol and rehearsal dinner. 

So overall I know I shouldn't feel TOO bad. We have a lot of friendors who will be helping us keep costs down (flowers, music, hair, cake, venue decor will all be done by friends).

@jenandchris: Right, exactly, it seems silly. But I'm their only daughter, too, and they were really disappointed when we first told them we planned to get married at city hall. They want to do the whole "wedding" thing with their daughter.

I think one of the things that added to my feelings was that my brother just got engaged on Monday. I know his FI's parents will pay for the large parts of their wedding, but my parents will have to contribute, too.

I felt super guilty about my family helping me out!  It was something I never expected because my Mom has never had a lot of money, I actually made way more than she did when we first started planning the wedding.  So I thought my FI and I were completely doing this on our own.  I know my grandparents have a little money in stocks and CID's and stuff but I would never in a million years ask them to help pay for the wedding.

So fast forward to about 3 or 4 months ago... My mom graduated from college with an associate's degree in medical laboratory technology and immediately got a position at our county hospital.  All of a sudden she was making as much as I am (more than double what she used to make working as a cook in restaurants).  She had offered to pay for the food for the reception before that, but I didn't want to accept that because she was always struggling, but she insisted that she would have enough to pay for it or she would find a way.

Now all of a sudden, she has no worries about the food even though I ask her repeatedly if she's sure and tell her that I don't want her to pay for anything else but the food because it is so expensive ($2,000, which is a lot when you normally live paycheck to paycheck).  Well, she has taken it upon herself to order a chocolate fountain for the wedding and a harpist for the ceremony.  I can't tell you how guilty this makes me feel.  I am extremely grateful and it almost makes me cry that she is in the position she is now to give so much when 6 months ago she didn't know if she was even going to have enough money to help at all.  Her generosity never ceases to amaze me, she just gives and gives even when there is nothing to give.

I also made the mistake of taking a look at one of my dream venues just for grins.  It was completely out of my price range but I just wanted to see it.  My FI and I have a friend, an older friend (around 70) that we would do anything for.  When she went through her last divorce a few years ago we took her under our wing and we were there for her for whatever she needed.  Over the last 6 years, our love for each other has become more blood-like, she considers our kids her nieces and she goes on vacations with us.  She is very youthful now that she is out on her own and out from under the control of her ex-husband and her mother, if you talked to her you would think she was in her 20's, lol.  So she hasn't had a lot of money the entire time we have known her, she has basically been living off of social security and she does some side jobs like painting here and there.  We always find ways to help her out and make her happy even though most of the time it is not monetary, because she means so much to our family.  I decided to make her one of my bridesmaids because we are so close, and so the day I went to look at my dream venue she was with me.  She recently came into some money and when she saw the room and me in the room, and thought about how well she knows me, she was like "You have to have it!"  So she offered to pay the difference of what I could afford.  This is not small change, its a large chunk of money and adds up to 2/3 the total cost of the venue.

I also feel extremely guilty about this because after all these years struggling financially and trying to be on her own, why does she feel like she needs to spend so much for me?  She continually tells me that she was unable to have children and that I am the closest thing to a daughter she will ever have and this is the only opportunity she will have to do something this special. 

At this point, I still feel guilty but I have to tell myself that if they want to do it, then I should just know that I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.  That God is truly looking out over all of us and he approves of the path we are taking.

If I had not had help from my family, my budget would have been a total of $2000 and it wouldn't be anywhere close to what I had envisioned for my wedding day.  Now, it is just about coming out to be perfect!

I feel like this whenever anyone buys me somethin or spends money on something for me!  My parents threw my shower, ourchased us a very expensive fridge as a wedding gift, gave us a ton of shower gifts, spent $2000 on my wedding dress, and are paying for my hair and makeup.  They would have paid for more had I not fought them about it the whole time.  FILs are paying for the Reheasal dinner and our flowers and threw us a J&J (another story as we made no money off of it).