Post # 1
My partner and I had been going out just over 2 years when I left him in early January this year (I’m in my early 20s and he’s in his early 30s) and it was my first long-term, serious relationship. Anyway, long story short, I didn’t feel he was “the one” and left him. I still cared for him as a friend, and genuinely wanted to remain friends, but the love was gone and I didn’t see a long term future with him anymore.
Anyway, I ended up being swept off my feet by a nice guy the next week after leaving my ex and when my ex found out, he didn’t speak to me for MONTHS and his emails were laced with words of bitterness, which was far from the gentle, caring guy I knew him as. I tried to offer him friendship – e.g. suggesting to meet up – platonically – for a coffee or a movie or something, but he remained annoyed that I had moved on so quickly. He even asked a mutual friend all about me and my new partner, and accused me of cheating on him with my new man.
Eventually, we started talking to each other about 6 months after the break-up and, from that point on, became actual friends. We had a good chat, worked through some of our unresolved drama and smoothed things out between us. I even opened up to him about how I was considering leaving my now not-so-new partner, because I didn’t see a future in it. After that point, we became pretty good friends. Emailing several times a week, catching up for coffee etc. For a brief moment, I thought I might have been attracted to him again (at the time when I was just about to leave my the man I started seeing in January), but that was fleeting and it wasn’t long before I was dating someone else.
Since I’ve started seeing someone else, his contact with me has dropped off a lot, which is fine, but we’re still in touch from time to time and I know that he STILL isn’t dating anyone new. He literally hasn’t dated anyone since we broke up over 10 months ago. I know it’s not my fault and there’s no reason I should blame myself or anything, but I feel so GUILTY. How should I ease my guilt?
Post # 3
@victoria1990: Good lord…10 months after breaking up with this GROWN MAN and you are still so concerned with him and his love life? I don’t believe in the idea that ex’s have to be your friends afterwards. Maybe it is because you are young and he was your first serious relationship, but it’s pretty obvious that you are still hung up on him in some way. I think you need to close that chapter entirely and let him move on with his life while you do the same. You seem to be emotionally stringing him along and honestly it is not fair and pretty selfish. I spent most of my 20’s doing this same thing to men…until I eventually grew up.
Post # 4
Dating isn’t everyone’s priority.
Post # 5
I think the only way you won’t feel guilty (or anything else, for that matter) is if you stop having any contact with him.
Post # 6
I can understand what you’re talking about. I have an ex who I still talk to occasionally (not one on one but we have the same friends) and feel bad that he’s having a tough time in the love department. I feel bad for him because I care about him as a friend. However, it wouldn’t be fair for you or me to blame ourselves for a grown man’s decisions. Just be here for him if he needs a friend but completely shut the door on the former girlfriend side of your brain. If you two are going to be friends you need to be just that.
Post # 7
It’s only been 10 months! Just because you jumped onto the dating bandwagon right away doesn’t mean he has to. Maybe he doesn’t want to and is enjoying being single? I added one of my exes (also my first boyfriend) on Facebook last year, and found out he was still single. Honestly it made me feel a little smug, because the way he broke up with me was awful. But so what? It didn’t affect me in any way beyond that little minute of feeling awesome. He is your ex, and now a friend. Be a friend and don’t try to push him towards dating and expect him to just go find a girl quickly.
Post # 8
OP, I think YOU need to try being single for a while. Your “guilt” for your ex being single doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that you continue to let “The One” sweep you off your feet, then you get bored, and he’s not The One anymore. Take a break from dating and from your ex. You’ll probably both be happier.
Post # 9
All I can say is that I tried once to remain friends with an ex after a serious relationship and it ended in drama, and almost ruined my current relationship because of it. If he can’t move on it reallly isn’t your fault. It sucks having your heart broken, but refusing to move forward is a choice he is making, and you can’t do anything about that and shouldn’t feel guilty.
Post # 10
I don’t think you should have even tried to be friends with him and it seems rather selfish of you, to be totally honest. I think you need to stop all contact and stop worrying about him as it’s not your business nor concern.
Post # 11
He’ll find it easier to move on if you break off contact with him. Meeting up with him 1-on-1, private emails, opening up about maybe leaving your partner… that would clearly be leaving the impression that he should wait around hoping to get back to you. I don’t know if you were doing it intentionally, but you were stringing him along. Perhaps you still are, without knowing it.
It’s better for both of you if you make a clean break, stop meeting 1-on-1, and stop the private emails. Staying close friends with an ex rarely works.
Post # 12
You know, what jumps out at me the most is the fact that you kept trying to meet up with him and be friends with him not long after you dumped him. The guy needed time to cool off and get his feet back under him, yet you’re trying to meet up and go to movies. People usually need space after something like that. I can’t really blame him for how he reacted.
I was going to say that you’re not responsible for him being single, but, as some have already mentioned, it does sound like you may be stringing him along. Besides, he may not be interested in dating. Not everyone likes jumping from person to person, relationship to relationship.
I think you should stop trying to be friends with this guy. Stop the e-mails, the calls, the meet-ups — leave the guy alone.
Post # 13
@victoria1990: Actually a lot of it probably IS your fault. It sounds like you’re stringing him along. It’a hard to move forward when you’ve got one foot in the past. You need to let him go.
Post # 14
@s2bmrscook: +1000 this exactly
Also I dont get friends with exs. They are an ex for a reason
Post # 15
10 months isn’t really that long… A lot of people don’t like to jump right into new relationships after ending one, but rather enjoy single life for a while. I would stop worrying about him.
Post # 16
@victoria1990: You didn’t have a friendship. What you had was him hearing your new relationship was ending and him either having his ego soothed and/or hoping he had another shot to either get aback with you or move into a friends with benefits type situation.
You sound a bit fickle and he sounds immature. it would probably be best if you both just went your own way. His love life isn’t your concern but you also shouldn’t string him along.