Post # 1
I originally posted this under the “waiting” board but perhaps it is more appropriate here.
HI Bees! Looking for advice for a situation that’s been causing me anxiety for a while now! A little background…Been with my boyfriend almost two years, living together for the past year. We have had discussions and it is clear he wants to marry me and start a family together. We haven’t spoken specifically about timeline but he said he’d be willing to start trying having kids in 2015 and he knows I wanna be married first so….I can do the math : )
We have had conversations about engagement rings and he is very against the idea of going shopping together before hand. This is where the stress for me begins…I am very much the typical A-type personality. I’m a lawyer, I am organized, know what I want, and am very picky with my clothes, accessories, shoes, hair to the point where I can be a little OCD. Well, very OCD….you get the point.
I know the ring is a symbol of his love and our commitment to one another. I know I shouldn’t care THAT much but I can’t help but feel so scared he will end up choosing something I don’t like! I’ve looked at tons of pictures online and at rings in jewellery stores, and I honestly would be disappointed by probably 99% of them. Of course they’re PERFECT for someone else as this is a very personal choice, but for me, it wouldn’t work. If he got me a ring that I don’t like, it would really bother me on a daily basis. I wouldn’t be able to get over that icky feeling of disappointment because it’s not the “perfect” one I had envisioned, and looking at it every day would just be a reminder. I am aware that this sounds VERY superficial as I am writing this but I can’t help feeling this way. I am going to wear the ring every day and look at it for the rest of my life, I want to like it! I want to be proud of it and show it off when I tell everyone I’m engaged! I also want HIM to be proud that he got me something I absolutely love! I know it’s a big deal to save and spend so much money on a ring so I want it to be worth it.
So my first option was to tell my best friend exactly what I liked and didn’t like about rings and tell him to consult her. When I first spoke to him about this idea, he really wasn’t too enthusiastic. He said he believes the ring is a gift from him to me, and that I shouldn’t get to choose my gift. As a compromise, he suggested a proposal without a ring, and that we would go ring shopping together after. I explained that I would be disappointed with a proposal without a ring. He understood.
So we ended the conversation without finding a solution….which is causing me anxiety. He doesn’t want to go shopping before the proposal and I don’t want to go shopping after. He doesn’t want advice from friends and I genuinely don’t think he can possibly pick a ring that I would be happy with on his own.
Where do we go from here? Am I being too much of a princess? Any ideas or options I forgot to consider? Help!
Post # 3
@mexicalijennie: fingers crossed he’s still gonna want to go through with his plans of proposing if you’re being so high maintenance about the ring 😉 can’t you just tell him the style you like, or even show him pictures, and trust that he’ll take it from there? I wanted a rose gold ring in a “classical” setting (at least for German standards). I would have gotten myself a slightly different ring, but only minor details and I don’t mind them much.
If you’re being such a princess (apologirs but yes, I think you are) then I don’t understand why you can’t agree to having a non-ring proposal. You shouldn’t call all the shots. Think of how he is feeling as well. He wants to propose to you and you’re not allowing him to even think about getting you a ring by himself. why would ring shopping after be so bad? The only reason I can think of is because you immediately wanna show off your ring in which case I’d have to say: suck it up. Either how off your ring immediately and have it be the one he chose or be consequent and have him propose without a ring so you can choose it. If you tell people you’re engaged and they ask where the ring is, just tell them “oh you know me … We’re gonna go look at rings together”.
Post # 4
PS: sorry for being so blunt but you asked for honest opinions 😉
Post # 5
@mexicalijennie: We went shopping with mine around 3 months before he went to get the ring so he could know what I liked (and he could learn what all of it ment), He was also very into the “this is from me” ect… And if you have never went on your own to look/try on do you know what you really like?
Both myself and several posters on here had the “I wanted XYZ and he got X and I LOVED it more then I thought” or “I wanted/loved XYZ in pictures but when I tried one on I didnt like it on MY hand”
What about pictures? He knows your OCD about what you wear and this you will have this on everyday for ever so I hope he understands how it is more then just a random gift. Could you make a realistic pintrest board of what you like and one of what you dont like and go over it with him? I know its like shopping but different.
You can say I like this color gold, style (halo, 3 stone, solitaire ect), this stone shape? No it wont be 100% what you would pic or they may be parts you dont love but if its 80% of what you wanted you may fall in love with it too.
PS he knows who you are and loves you so who cares if your a princess
Post # 6
I totally get being picky about a ring and knowing what you want – after all, you’re the one wearing it! I also think ring shopping together after a ringless proposal’s a pretty reasonable option, and don’t understand why this would be disappointing, if in the end you get a proposal and the ring you want.
One possibility – could he pick out your center stone, propose with that, and then you guys pick out a setting together?
Post # 7
Traditionally men pick the ring… if that’s important to him, I woudn’t mess with it.
Most of the wedding details are traditionally chosen by the woman… I’d suggest you put your nitpicking tendencies to use there (not meaning nitpicking in a bad way, I can be that way myself, I’m totally detail-oriented and have a tendency to believe “If you want something done right, you’d better do it yourself – oh here, just let me do it.”) I just have to make sure to channel it correctly at times though, and not take away from my FI’s rights to take the lead on things too, especially on things that are more his domain, but also things that are both of our domain.
I’m REALLY careful with that (reigning in my desire to take control and do it my way), whether it comes to him hanging something in a position I think is slightly off where I would have hung it, or buying something I wouldn’t have bought, or when he made decisions regarding my engagement ring that he didn’t request my feedback on (he made some decisions on his own, and asked my opinion about other aspects). Overall, he repeatedly surprises me with what great ideas he has and how often he is right. It is also a real relief to have someone else lead sometimes, you can sort of lean back on that trust that he’s steering and you can relax at times. There’s nobody I’d rather share control with…we’re co-leaders, truly. And that’s kind of a big part of marriage, IMO.
Post # 8
It sounds like he’s given you two totally reasonable options – I don’t get what more you can really ask from him.
It sounds to me like picking the ring after the proposal would be a great solution. At this point, much of the surprise has been taken out of the proposal concept, since you’re already arguing about it. I can see why he might find it pointless to propose without either the question or the ring being even slightly surprising. However I love the idea of picking a ring together after the proposal so I clearly just don’t get it.
Post # 9
“He said he believes the ring is a gift from him to me, and that I shouldn’t get to choose my gift. As a compromise, he suggested a proposal without a ring, and that we would go ring shopping together after. I explained that I would be disappointed with a proposal without a ring.”
I’m confused. Is it that he doesn’t want you to pick it out because it is a gift from him to you? Because then he offered to let you pick it out afterwards? So not really sure where he stands on this….
I showed my FI settings that I liked online just so he would have a general idea of what I liked. We narrowed my choices down together and then he picked out the diamond. That way, I had a general idea of what it was going to look like, but I had never seen the ring/diamond together until the actual proposal. It worked out great that way because we were able to pick something out that we both would be 100%, and then he got to do the diamond all by himself, which made him feel like he was doing the more important part, and gifting me with something that I hadn’t ever seen before.
Post # 10
i totally understand how you feel. I suggest a happy medium…ask if he would be willing to go to a few jewelers with you (or just one, if hes like my guy who cant stand shopping) so that you can get some ideas of what you love and what you dont like. Then you can give him your top 3 and let him pick from those that you really like. If he doesn
t like that idea, then I think you should go to those stores yourself and then take pictures of what you like and send them to him. I had a similar situation...so I really undersand how frustrating this can be. In my situation, I did some recon myself so that when we finally went to the stores, I knew exactly what shape I was looking for. I only found one setting that I liked and when I tried it on, I started crying lol. When we left the store that day, I knew I had found THE ONE, but I had to just trust that he would feel the same. As far as the stone, at the store, we looked at a 1.43 and I just had to trust that hed get that stone. Anyway..im rambling. the point is that when he finally proposed (after teasing for months that the stone was gone and so was the setting) I had my dream setting and a 2 carat stone. I trusted him to do his thing his way (after some gentle guidance) and you need to trust your SO to do the same. I strongly recommend that you go try on some styles so at the very least you can tell him that you tried on X style and loved it or hated it. Good Luck!
Post # 11
@mexicalijennie: I think you have 3 reasonable options here:
1. Proposal without a ring (like he suggested). Not that big of a deal, and then you can enjoy the ring shopping together
2. He can select a diamond and have it put into a temp setting. Propose to you with the diamond he selected and then you two can pick out a setting together.
3. Send him lots of pictures or link to a Pinterest board with what you like. I would suggest shopping on your own first and trying things on, because stuff that looks good in a pic might not be the most flattering on your hand (personal experience here!).
Its totally exciting that he is thinking about it and talking about it with you. 🙂
Post # 12
@mexicalijennie: it sounds like the ring means a lot to you (duh! it does to me too), would it really be that bad if he just proposed to you with no ring and you got what you wanted?
Post # 13
@mexicalijennie: I got proposed to without a ring because he knew I wanted to pick it out. And I still cried tears of joy and think it’s one of the best moments of my life. You can get the ring later and it’ll still be great. Promise. And let’s face it, some men CAN’T pick the jewelry we like no matter how much we tell them we don’t like yellow gold or peridots (yes I have experience with that).
Post # 14
Ok, I was with you until you mentioned how picky you’re being about him having to propose with a ring etc.
You can’t have it both ways. I would be happy he suggested a compromise!
A proposal lasts what? A few minutes?
I picked my ring and there was no proposal per se. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Not like it would have been a surprise so why bother??
I think you should have some say in your ring. My husband and I both think it’s stupid that a man would insist on picking something his fiance may not like. Like why bother? You’ll be the one wearing it for life.
Post # 15
My FI and I ring shopped together more than once — a couple of times were just for fun and at those box jewelry stores. When he got serious he told me he wanted me to love my ring because I was going to be the one wearing it. Making me happy was the ultimate gift for him (we’ve been together five years).
We visited a private jeweler and looked at rings. I fell in love with two. Both were amazing and different. I then told FI that he could decide which one he wanted to purchase for me when the time came. Best decision ever. It was a good compromise for us.
Since you are so picky, I’d go for the proposal without a ring. A proposal doesn’t last that long, but the ring will. What if you hate it like you said? You’ll have a great proposal story, but a ring you can’t stand. I’d take the compromise.
Post # 16
I think you can’t have it both ways. You need to compromise here. You either love what he gets you on his own, or let him propose sans ring, and then go together. Marriage is all about compromise, so now is as good of a time as any to start. 😉 Forcing him into ring shipping with you ahead of time is not the way to go about it, imo. I think that will lead to him being resentful.
Would you be happy with a loose diamond, for a proposal. Like he could propose with a diamond, and then you could design the ring after, together?