Post # 1
HI Bees! Looking for advice for a situation that’s been causing me anxiety for a while now! A little background…Been with my boyfriend almost two years, living together for the past year. We have had discussions and it is clear he wants to marry me and start a family together. We haven’t spoken specifically about timeline but he said he’d be willing to start trying having kids in 2015 and he knows I wanna be married first so….I can do the math : )
We have had conversations about engagement rings and he is very against the idea of going shopping together before hand. This is where the stress for me begins…I am very much the typical A-type personality. I’m a lawyer, I am organized, know what I want, and am very picky with my clothes, accessories, shoes, hair to the point where I can be a little OCD. Well, very OCD….you get the point.
I know the ring is a symbol of his love and our commitment to one another. I know I shouldn’t care THAT much but I can’t help but feel so scared he will end up choosing something I don’t like! I’ve looked at tons of pictures online and at rings in jewellery stores, and I honestly would be disappointed by probably 99% of them. Of course they’re PERFECT for someone else as this is a very personal choice, but for me, it wouldn’t work. If he got me a ring that I don’t like, it would really bother me on a daily basis. I wouldn’t be able to get over that icky feeling of disappointment because it’s not the “perfect” one I had envisioned, and looking at it every day would just be a reminder. I am aware that this sounds VERY superficial as I am writing this but I can’t help feeling this way. I am going to wear the ring every day and look at it for the rest of my life, I want to like it! I want to be proud of it and show it off when I tell everyone I’m engaged! I also want HIM to be proud that he got me something I absolutely love! I know it’s a big deal to save and spend so much money on a ring so I want it to be worth it.
So my first option was to tell my best friend exactly what I liked and didn’t like about rings and tell him to consult her. When I first spoke to him about this idea, he really wasn’t too enthusiastic. He said he believes the ring is a gift from him to me, and that I shouldn’t get to choose my gift. As a compromise, he suggested a proposal without a ring, and that we would go ring shopping together after. I explained that I would be disappointed with a proposal without a ring. He understood.
So we ended the conversation without finding a real solution….which is causing me anxiety. He doesn’t want to go shopping before the proposal and I don’t want to go shopping after. He doesn’t want advice from friends and I genuinely don’t think he can possibly pick a ring that I would be happy with on his own.
Where do we go from here? Am I being too much of a princess? Any ideas or options I forgot to consider? Help!
Post # 3
@mexicalijennie: If he is fine with shopping after he proposes, why not before? Is he open to you sending him pictures of styles you like and him making the ultimate decision?
Post # 4
Let him pick the ring. This is one tradition that i dont think shoudl be touched. I dont think that you should be so opinionate on something that is suppsoed to be a surprise and romantic. You should love anything he pics. I personally have seen alot of relationship go bad over soemthing like this.
I would maybe show him a couple pictures of your “taste” but let him go from there. YOu dont want a battle over soemthing is supposed to be a special moment.
Post # 5
Can you send him pictures of examples and non-examples? Examples of what you love and examples of what you hate. Can you come up with a short list of must haves or must have nots? I agree with him but I also agree with you. Have you asked him what his reaction would be if after the proposal you told him you wanted to exchange the ring for something different? Honestly he sounds like he is willing to cooperate so I think you need to budge in this instance – if you really think he can’t possibly pick something you’d like, let him propose without the ring.
Post # 6
@mexicalijennie: You need to compromise – the first of many compromises!
I am picky about my ring. I’m also a perfectionist. Guess what – always wanting perfectionism is going to lead to a miserable, depressed life, and I’m learning to let thigns go – as should you. I speak this out of tough love cuz I’ve been there!
I also wanted to control all aspects of my ring. Ultimately, I was happy to have him propose without a ring and THEN we went shopping for one – well, I designed mine. To me all that mattered in a proposal was him asking “will you marry me.” The ring is after that.
I also get the feeling of pride of being able to show it off, but really, I think his solution of buying the ring after the proposal is very very reasonable.
Post # 7
@mexicalijennie: My DH very much wanted to be the one who “had the final say”. But he wanted to know he was gifting me something I’d like, so he took me ring shopping to learn the styles/cuts I liked. Then he went back out on his own and chose one based on the styles he remembered I liked. This way he can say that he got to pick the ring. (I get to whisper “i helped!”)
Post # 8
Why does he have to propose with a ring if you insist that you are that picky? It’s not like it will be a surprise since you want to pick it out ahead of time. Or why can’t you give him a style like a solitaire or a few pictures that he can go off of and he can have the chance to pick out? I think saying you don’t like 99% of rings is a little extreme. If you know each other well enough to get married, he probably has some sense of your style and I don’t see why you can’t straight up say “Hey Boyfriend, this is what I like.”
Post # 9
@mexicalijennie: You sound ALOT like me! I’m extremely picky, and I’ll find something I “like” but there is always something wrong with it. My SO knows how picky I am, and doesn’t want me to have something I’m not happy with. I ended up printing out a ton of pictures of different rings I liked and noted what I liked/disliked about them and we had a custom ring made. He wants to be able to propose with a surprise, so after I okay’d everything, its all in his hands as to when it happens.
Maybe this is an option for you? Possibly print out pictures of what you like and he can have it custom made to your liking? Techinically you’re not shopping together, but you still get what you like?
Post # 10
@mexicalijennie: Your ring is a very personal choice, and I think having a ring you like should take precedent over the ‘romantic’ gesture of your SO picking out a ring 100% on his own. Ultimately you are the one who will be wearing the ring for the rest of your life, so why shouldn’t you get at least an equal say in what it looks like?
A lot of sanctimonious people will tell you ‘You should be happy with whatever your SO picks, I was!’ but IMO that’s a bunch of BS. This is not a fairytale, the chances of your SO picking out the perfect ring that you will absolutely love with zero help seem pretty slim. So find a real life compromise! Would it work if you picked out a style, setting, etc. and then he picked out the ring itself? That way you’d have the ring you wanted but it would still be a surprise. Or maybe you could both agree that he can pick a ring but you get to exchange it if you don’t like it?
Post # 11
Oh my! I feel like I could have wrote this post myself! My guy is the same way and was very adamant about him picking the ring. However, he was pretty specific about he wanted (traditional, shiny gold band – something I would never pick).
I finally spoke to him about how I would have to wear this ring for the rest of my life and not to take anything away from him, but I would rather him have some sort of idea of what I wanted and liked since there is so much to choose from.
I ended up compiling a list of pictures in order of preference for him. However, he eventually did come around and agreed to go ring shopping with me. Maybe after speaking with him about it, he will come around.
Either way, dont get too worked up about it. Just focus on the main thing… YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED! Congrats!
Post # 12
@mexicalijennie: Here is what I did, ask if he is okay with you sending an email of your general preferences. My DH was not okay going shopping with me or having me pick out the ring, but was okay with a general overview of what I liked. I gave him a few options and he picked the diamond and the setting.
Another option, can he propose with the diamond in a dummy setting and then you guys pick the setting together?
Post # 13
@mexicalijennie: You sound VERY much like me.. I chose the design of my ring and my FI had it made (he still chose the quality of the diamond and gave the jeweller the final ok for the design etc – I had no part in it once i’d told the jeweller what style I liked)
Is there no way he could be a bit more flexible and at least get you involved a little? For us, I obviously knew it was coming at some stage but we still wanted it to be a surprise so I didn’t know when he’d actually be getting the ring or when he’d propose so we still got that exciting proposal moment that was totally on his time!
Post # 14
I really liked his idea- a proposal without a ring.
You may end up being one of those women that decides not to wear her e-ring because she doesn’t like it. As long as your BF is fine with that and potentially wasting jis his money then so be it. You can always get a fab wedding band you pick out and adore.
Post # 15
If you are that picky, you need to have a say, whether it is before or after the proposal is up to you guys to talk it out. I never understood the whole idea of “you should just love whatever he gets you”. Yes, the thought counts, but the reality is that unless it’s an heirloom ring, your guy is going to be spending a wad of cash and he WANTS to see your face light up with delight every time you look at it, so I think it is the responsibility of the couple to at least communicate what is a must-have for a proposal or ring, whether it be a surprise proposal or a ring in white gold. This can be either via discussion or through friends. After all, communication is key in your relationship, why should this be any different?
I am picky to the extreme, I had no say, and my now-husband custom designed a ring (i.e. not exchangable or returnable) in 100% not my taste because he wanted it to be a surprise. I love the thought and all, but two years later and not a day goes by where I didn’t wish it were something different, or that I was at least given the opportunity to set parameters. For the record, I did share those the must/must nots, but he went against them because he thought it took away the element of surprise that he wanted to have. Doh!
My husband hated the idea of me knowing what I’d get in a ring, but nothing compared to the eventual “sooooo, this really isn’t my taste” talk that had to happen. He was upset and hurt, but he finally got it when we went shopping for HIS ring and he ended up being picky and hated the first 100 rings he tried on, then custom-made his because nothing in existence fit his parameters.. A true *face palm* moment for sure, but please don’t let our mistakes be in vain!
Our solution was that since he got 100% say in the first ring, we would eventually upgrade where I had 100% say (aka no vetoes for what he doesn’t like), within budget of course!
Be open, communicate, and be willing to bend!
Post # 16
@mexicalijennie: What if he proposed with a stand-in ring? Something inexpensive, maybe something whimsical off of Etsy, or something with a cubic zirconia? Berricle has some great ones.
That’s what FI and I agreed to do, and for us, it was perfect. He got down on one knee, pulled out a velvet box, and opened it to reveal… the dragon ring in my profile picture 🙂
Also, maybe he could pick out a main stone himself, and he could propose to you with it in a temporary setting.