Post # 1
I want to talk to you about an issue I see a lot of on the bee and in real life. It’s something that really bothers me, and I’d like to discuss it.
I see and hear a lot of ‘guys are useless at grocery shopping’ ‘guys are just bad at feelings’ ‘guys hate housework’ ‘guys don’t care about wedding stuff’ etc. and I’m sick of it. Why do we infantalize men like that? Why do we excuse them from acting like adults with blanket statements like ‘oh guys just aren’t good at housework/shopping/considering your feelings’. Why is it on women to care about housework, chores, and grocery shopping? Why do we get beholden to higher standards just because we’re women? Why do we make men out to be these helpless manchildren who can’t help but say and do whatever they want?
‘Guys are clueless’ is not an excuse for anything. Maybe your particular SO is bad at something, but it’s not because he is a man and that doesn’t excuse an entire gender. It’s not okay to excuse unacceptable actions based on wether you’re a man or a woman. Come on bees, let’s not contribute to sexism.
Post # 3
@Ruby-Redshoes: God bless you for this post. It seems like there has been more of this than usual of late. I also hate it on the individual level. If my college freshmen can manage to do laundry or write things by hand at a basic level of competence (to name two recent tasks that I have seen a lot of Bees claim their partners are terrible at and couldn’t possibly help with), then your adult partner should be able to as well, barring extraordinary circumstances.
Post # 4
+100000. thank you. I also hate the excuse we give men for oogling women/street harassment of “well, guys are just visual creatures” WTF does that mean? I guess women only get wet from talking about FEELINGS with candles. but somehow manage to not be assholes to passing by strangers.
Post # 5
If all stereotypes were true, all men and women would be useless at everything.
We’d essentially be potato sacks our whole lives. 😛
Post # 6
My FI also lived on his own for many years before we started dating. It’s not like he suddenly forgot how to pick up dish soap or put clothes into a washing machine. Having a penis doesn’t make someone incapable of making things clean.
Post # 7
@CakeyP: On the opposite spectrum if stereotypes WEREN”T somewhat true they wouldn’t exist at all
Post # 8
Love your post and I agree! I hate it when people generalize and say that someone is bad at something because of their gender.
Post # 9
@Ruby-Redshoes: Lol, yeaaah my man is not useless, He has learned how to cook, clean etc from me. I do get mad at him when I feel like he is doing stuff “half ass” and I feel like that is where a lot of women are coming from when they say their men is useless, lol, but maybe they just don’t want to put in the work to train them. I am training mine…not controlling, but teaching him, to start doing things Fully, to the best of your ability like most women do…instead of doing things, how a lot of men do them, the bare minimum…because frankly they usualy just don’t give a damn as much as women do about the things we are wanting them to do:)
Post # 10
If we cared about gender roles in our relationship (which obviously we don’t) then I would be the worst woman in the entire world. A “real man” would never marry me. My FH loves keeping the house clean, makes sure the laundry gets done (I do help fold!), makes dinner several times a week among many other things. He’s an amazing catch, and I am lucky that I have someone who enjoys sharing these responsibilities as a team.
Post # 11
So true. One of my coworkers is married to a man that does NOTHING around the house or with their kids and she assumes that every other husband in the world can’t/doesn’t cook, clean, shop or do laundry too. She gave me the craziest look when I told her that my DH is a great cook.
I’m sure many of us get upset with stereotypes about women, so why is it okay to apply them to men?
Post # 12
@Ruby-Redshoes: ….I think men and women are in touch with different things. I don’t know how to winterize our swamp cooler, and I don’t care to…I have NO IDEA how to shut of the water in our crawl space, and I’m not going to learn….I don’t care about sports, I could care less about the nuances of smoking a turkey in our backyard and the day I have to mow it..will be a sad day indeed.
I honestly don’t think its sexist, to allow a person, male or female…to gravitate and participate, in the things that interest and entertain them, and I also think its completely stupid to try and make someone something they’re not…..
We’re a team, and we do the things we’re best at, to keep our house running, the place nice and each other happy. That means I do the laundry, while he mows the lawn, I clean the bathrooms while he picks up dogshit, I cook dinner while he wears out the dogs and somewhere in between all of that, I go to work, he does the grocery shopping and if we’re lucky, we have some laughs while we’re at it.
Post # 13
@Ruby-Redshoes: I would actually beg to disagree about a few instances, but not because I think you’re wrong in that we shouldn’t be accepting these silly excuses. I think it’s really, really integrally important to remember that, just like how women are constantly under pressure to fit into an ideal femininity, men are expected to fulfill a certain brand of masculinity that includes basically everything you said there. While of course there’s men out there that know and love how to clean, how to grocery shop, how to express their feelings and how to wedding plan, I’m willing to be there’s a huge group of them that just haven’t been given the opportunity within the framework of masculinity to feel secure enough in themselves to think it’s alright to learn how to clean properly, how to grocery shop, etc.
Yeah, that doesn’t make our excuses for them not being functional members of our households/lives okay. But it’s really important to remember that gender issues don’t just affect women.
Post # 14
I 100% agree! But I also think it has to go both ways. My mom is a perfect example of someone who expects her husband to do cooking, cleaning and groceries, but would never do any jobs around the house like install new blinds or fix a leaky faucet because “she’s a women and doesn’t know how”. In my opinion, both sexes could stand to get away from the “useless” excuse, and learn something new.
Post # 15
@Ruby-Redshoes: it really bothers me too. I don’t want my fiance lumped in to that “oh MEN” group because he’s not like the stereotypical man at all (whatever that even means. I guess like Barney on How I met your Mother. Ugh.). When women say that to me I just ignore it. Or ask for the scientific evidence haha – there are studies done that show differences between how men and women work so there is some truth to certain statements, but overall yeah this really annoys me. I’m a feminist but I hate the double standard. Actually I do more “manly” things around the house – fixing things, maintenance etc, and fiance does more “girly” chores usually.
Post # 16
Not to mention topics like these, and many others on the bee, are incredibly heteronormative.