(Closed) Guys Perspective: Forcing/Pressuring Wedding Proposal

posted 8 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I may be in the minority here, but I definitely do not think he should propose in this situation. Neither of them are financially ready to form their own household, which is IMO a prerequisite for an engagement.

If he has explained his incredibly sane reasons to her for wanting to hold off, and she will not accept them, I think that is a big red flag that she 1) doesn’t respect him, 2) isn’t mature enough to be financially responsible, and 3) isn’t mature enough to be married. If he hasn’t explained this to her or he is underselling the financial situation (as in, they both make decent money and have put plenty into savings while living at home), then he needs to figure himself out.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with an ultimatum, but the ducks need to be in a row first.

Post # 4
Member
604 posts
Busy bee

He shouldnt propose. An engagement shouldn’t be forced it should happen if both parties are in love agree and are ready. He seems like a standup guy and the girlfriend sounds very immature.

Post # 5
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

IMO I think he should wait til he feels ready. It would suck to get married, want to live on your own but have to live with your parents instead. I mean, that works ok for some couples, but if that’s not how he wants to start out the relationship, he shouldn’t propose. Maybe talk with her & explain things next time she brings it up OR have a VERY long engagement?

Post # 7
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

That’s a tough one, and told from the guy’s point of view which we don’t often hear!

I would question her motives for wanting to get engaged and married.  Is she afraid of losing him?  Does she want to start having kids already?  Does she think getting married would be a good excuse to get out of her parents’ house?  Were all her friends and relatives married by the time they were her age?

Next, I would point out that engagements often last two years or more, usually because the couple is saving up money for the wedding in the mean time (or in this case building a nest egg so they can move out on their own).

I believe the poster is under the impression that (1) the wedding has to follow very soon after the engagement, and (2) they’ll start building a family right after they’re married.  In reality, these two things don’t have a set time frame and can wait until the couple is ready.

Lastly, if the poster knows right now that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, then perhaps he can compromise by giving her a promise ring, and explaining that she shouldn’t take his lack of a proposal as a lack of commitment.  That may be enough of an assurance for her at this point in time.

Post # 8
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

I know someone who is being heavily pressured to propose by his girl.  He JUST got divorced and isn’t mentally ready to commit like that again.  She doesn’t understand that at all and nags him about commitment every time they are on the phone.  (They are LDR.)  I feel bad for him because I know that he cares for her, but all her nagging has actually made him question whether she’s the right person, since she can’t seem to understand his hesitation.

If you are THAT desperate to get engaged, then propose yourself.  And if he says no, you know your answer!

Post # 9
Member
1545 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I dont think he should ask her. That isnt something you force. you know no idea what he feels what if instead of him wanting to prospose he wants out lol

Post # 10
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Ya, I think she’s pretty unfair to expest him to propose if he’s not ready.  I hope he’s had this talk with her though.  Maybe she doesn’t know what his reasons are.

@jenbradner, I’m not sure it’s accurate to say that engagements “often” last 2 years or more.  They sometimes do, but usually they’re shorter, and a lot of girls wouldn’t accept that.  If my FI had proposed and then said “Let’s wait until 2012”  I would have told him where he could put thet ring! 😛  If she wants to get married now so much that she’s nagging him, 2 years probably wouldn’t cut it.

Also, I just posted a link for him to this thread so that he can get more advice, since he only got a few replies on that website.

Post # 11
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I do agree he shouldn’t propose. Sometimes girls need to chill about this kind of stuff and take a hands-off approach.

I don’t want to be a 25 year old guy getting married, having my parents or her parents pay for the wedding and living with my parents after the wedding. I want to be able to support myself and my family before I commit myself.

He sounds RESPONSIBLE to me. Also, if she’s going to dump him for this, she’s not really worth marrying in my opinion. He has some valid concerns about getting married right this very second and if she can’t respect and understand that, she’s not mature enough to get married.

I dunno, maybe she doesn’t understand what it takes to provide for a family since she also lives at home? But it sounds like he has his head on straight to me.

Post # 12
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Eh, she isn’t holding a gun to his head she’s just implying by her actions that he might lose her.  He isn’t entiteled to keep her as a girlfriend, if he isn’t providing her with what she needs out of a relationship, in this case apparently marriage, she has every right to leave.

IMO He isn’t choosing between what is best for his famiy and what she wants, he’s choosing whether he is commited to her or not.  He says he is not ready to make that commitment and I believe him.  After three years if he isn’t ready to me that would read as he doesn’t have the feelings for me that I would want my husband to have (I know others see this differently, but I’m a pretty absolutes kind of girl, if I love someone I love them if I’m commited I’m commited).

He isn’t read to commit, she is.  Either one of them gives in or they break up.  Probably they break up.  Doesn’t mean either one of them is wrong.

Post # 13
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I don’t think he should propose but I also think if she feels “ready” for that stage of her life then yes, she should walk, and that’s a sitaution he shoudl prepare himself for.  I feel timing is just as important as every other aspect of a relationship.  If they’re in different places, the strain on their relationship is inevitable.  One person shouldn’t feel pressured to move forward before they’re ready, but the other also shouldn’t have to feel held back or like their spinning their tires if they’re ready to move forward.

Post # 14
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

He shouldn’t propose, but it’s also not her fault that she wants to be married and she’s talking about it.  Not knowing the details, in general, I don’t like when people say the woman is nagging if she brings it up.  It should be a mutual decision to get married.  He isn’t ready to, so one of them has to give in.

Post # 15
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Idk, I can see her point too. I’ve set a deadline with my boyfriend, we will be living in our own place without his father by December of this year(and no longer paying all of his bills). I gave him a little over 18 months to get shit straightened out or I would be forced to leave. I think it just depends on his timeline, if it is reasonable ie a wedding 2-3 years from right now then sure I’d say she should stick around and all that. But if he wants 10 years to get it together… no way.

Post # 16
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

He should definitely not propose. It doesn’t sound like he’s comfortable living at home with his parents and somewhat relying on them for support, though he’s paying rent. Some people enjoy this arrangement or are religious or some other reason that would make living at home a happy choice for them. not this guy. If his girlfriend won’t listen to his pretty simple and practical reasons for why he wants to wait, then I think that she should walk. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be and they’ll get together again. It sounds like she’s just in that stage where she wants to do the next thing. Our whole lives are organized like that – elementary/middle/highschool, college, then what? Some people are excited by the abyss, and some people freak the hell out. It’d be good for them both to be able to live on their own, away from their parents, but not together.

Also – he’s a 25 year old guy. I don’t know ANY 25 year old married guys.

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