Post # 1
Hi there, I’m new to this site. I’m getting married in a month and have been with my H2B for nearly 4 years, and although I obviously knew the situation before we got engaged tbh I hate the fact that he’s been married before. Not only that, but his first marriage was a more lavish affair as he had more money then and no commitments. He has a child from his first marriage, a child from a relationship after he divorced and we have an 8 month old together. Because he pays child maintenance we obviously don’t have much money and we are only spending about £1000 on our wedding. I had to buy an £80 weddding dress from an internet site based in China which has arrived and I’m not mad keen on it (it looks cheap) and we are having our reception in a run down social club on the high street. His first wife spent well over £1000 on her dress alone (and that was 10 years ago so price would have gone up now!) and had it properly fitted etc. I know I sound ungrateful and I’m sorry but it really bugs me that his first wedding was far more lavish and I’m feeling upset about it. I have spoken to H2B and he gets annoyed with me as there’s nothing he can do as money is tight.
Post # 2
He spent more on the first wedding and that marriage ended in divorce didn’t it? It’s not about the wedding but the marriage.
Post # 3
Rachel14: first of all it’s about the marriage, not the wedding. i can understand your frustrations, especially since this is your first (?) wedding/marriage, and you want it to be special. however, you knew what he was bringing into the relationship from the get-go. of course his first wedding was more expensive, he didn’t have any kids! he has 3 now. comparing it is apples and oranges because the situations are different.
my advice to you would be to focus on marrying the man you love, and enjoy your day.your wedding has nothing to do with his first one.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
You chose to enter in a relationship with a man that had been married before, had 2 children already, and you also chose to have a child with him. You’re a bit too late to “hate that he was married before”. As for the cost difference between both weddings, if you know he can’t afford more than he is giving, how can you be upset about it? What would you want him to do?
Post # 5
I have been married before and I am spending only 1/10 of what I spent on my first wedding. The way I see it the wedding doesn’t matter, the marriage does. I plan to have the nicest inexpensive wedding possible this time, at the end of the day we will still be married. Keep focused on what is really important. Maybe 20 years from now you will have more money and can throw yourselves the vow renewal of your dreams.
Post # 6
sounds like you are compromising A LOT with the wedding- how is compromising otherwise for you?
Post # 7
Traditionally most people, esp after they have kids spend less on their second, third…weddings. you have a child together, it’s not soley his fault that your budget is smaller so I think you aren’t fully being fair. You really need to stop comparing the two weddings because the circumstances are so different. If having a more lavish wedding is so important to you delay it a year or two and save for it. it’s always disapapointing when we don’t get exactly what we dream but you need to let this go, you made your choices u can’t hold them against him.
Post # 8
I was a single parent before I met my husband. I used to tell men that we are a package deal.
You picked a package deal. You picked a man who was married before and has children with two different women. Surely those children have to come ahead of his taking on any more obligations?
I encourage you to put aside the resentment as it will surely come between you in the long run.
Post # 9
If you want a more lavish affair then have a longer engagement. You can also just do a big hurrah in the future when you’re more stable and renew your vows.
Post # 10
my first wedding was a lavish affair- and I also had a lot of help from my parents. This time around, we are paying for it ourselves and admittedly its not as lavish (But will be equally as fantastic and FAR MORE MEANINGFUL)… what does what he and his ex spent on their last wedding have to do with what you are doing? Why do you care what his ex wife’s dress looked like etc? It is traditional for the bride’s parents to sometimes contribute- how do you know that expensive dress wasnt a gift from her father?
In any event… life changes.. priorities become clearer and you should be pleased that your FI values the life he has with you and the obligations he has with his children, to not blow a bunch of money on a one day affair only to “prove he loves you more than his ex”. Its not worth fretting about. Quit comparing/resentment… it will lead to unhappiness in the long run- guaranteed
Post # 11
This might sound harsh but you need to get over it… quick. If you can’t, you need to cancel this wedding.
Post # 12
Rachel14: I’m just so bothered by all of this. I mean, I really feel you need to get over it or move on. You’re mad because:
- he was previously married – WHY??!!
- he spent more on the previous wedding – you even said he has 3 children to support now. Do you work?
- his ex’s dress was more (how do you even know that??)
I’m feeling bad for the guy and I’d be mad at you, too.
Post # 13
If you spend your life comparing this and that, you’ll have a very unhappy life.
Post # 14
I’m super annoyed that the editing function still doesn’t work correctly because I wanted to add:
If I were your FI I would also feel annoyed when you bring it up. What do you expect him to do? Go into debt to have a large wedding? Why don’t you pay for it if you want a larger wedding?
Post # 15
Your future husband wasn’t paying child maintenance to two women and raising a child with a third woman when he had his first wedding. Obviously there was a lot more money in his disposable income bucket than there is now. It’s pointless to look at what the first wife’s wedding was like and compare it to what yours will be like because the circumstances are totally different. I hate to be all “tough love” and stuff, but sometimes it has to be done: you know your man, and you know his financial resources and commitments. You either need to accept that you’re getting the best wedding that you can on the budget you two have, or delay the wedding while the two of you save up for something more flashy and posh.
I’d also start emotionally preparing for more situations like this in the future. There will be vacations, home purchases, and gift-giving occasions that are less spendy for you than they were for his previous partners because he didn’t have the maintenance eating at his paycheck every week. Unless one or both of you start earning substantially more than you do currently, you’re going to have to learn to be satisfied with the things your budget allows, and to not worry about what someone else might have gotten.