Had a falling out with a lifelong friend- now I'm engaged… What do I do?!

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
42469 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

kthebeau:  Did you respond when she messaged you after hearing about your engagement?

Post # 3
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

I would attempt to reconnect with her only if you want to mend the relationship; I would not do so just for the sake of having her at your wedding. That puts all kind of pressure on both of you. I would reach out to her and see if the friendship is reparable, and if so, work from there. 

Post # 4
Member
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

kthebeau:  

I wouldn’t have any expectations on her regarding being in the wedding party or anything like that.

An invite to your wedding might be a nice gesture to make towards her. But only if you are going to reach out to her to try to repair your friendship.

Sometimes people grow apart- it’s sad- but it seem like she’s genuninely happy for you that your life is going well.

Post # 5
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

kthebeau:  I assume by “in the wedding” you mean in the bridal party. No, I would not have her in the bridal party, but I would invite her to the wedding. You don’t want a strained relationship with a bridesmaid, but sharing one day (inviting her to the wedding) should be fine, and another step to mending the relationship. (And if you’re worried about “including her” – I say anyone invited to the wedding is included in it).

Since she deleted you from social media, I doubt she expects to be in the bridal party.

Post # 6
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

kthebeau:  My best friend and I had a huge fight about 9 years ago.  Like, screaming at each other and crying.  It was AWFUL.  She moved out of our apartment, and we didn’t talk for about 9 months.  Around New Years, I called her and she called me, we each missed each other’s calls, and then we spoke and were just like, I miss you.  Maybe that could happen with your friend and you, though it seems like you’re still mad at her for bailing on your trip.  

If you miss your friend, reach out to her.  If you don’t miss your friend, don’t worry about it.

Post # 8
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

kthebeau:  Damn, which one of you is Heidi???

Post # 11
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

I would send her a wedding invitation but do not make her part of your bridal party.

Post # 12
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m actually in (was in) a similar situation as you. My “best friend” and I had a huge falling out about a year before I got engaged. We would still randomly briefly talk or send each other funny pics but didnt see each other. in my situation though my “friend” just wasn’t a good person. Our friendship was based on going out and having fun adventures but when it came to being a real friend she was really selfish and sometimes super nasty and competitive. We have gotten together to talk since our big fight but i came to realize that we grew apart for a reason, i grew up and she didn’t. I told her when I got engaged (she was super happy for me and offered up planning help -nice but we both know it would never happen) and I was sad for a while that she wouldn’t be part of my bridal party and it felt like something was missing. But the more I thought about it the more I realized she wouldnt make me happy on my big day, she would add more stress that as a bride you don’t need. You don’t wanna walk on eggshells or worry abt her on your day. You want only your closest most supportive friends and family there, if you had such a big falling out over a trip there was underlying things going on there as well. I’m so sorry you are in this situation, it totally sucks, but i feel like real BFFs just don’t act that way, they would be mad for a bit sure but then would work it out. FYI I’m still toying w the idea of inviting my ex BFF to the wedding, I’m leaning Twds not, but who knows I have some time. Every time I think about getting together with her, tho even just for coffee (and she has asked me a few times) as much as i do want to part of me just says no, don’t do that, so I don’t. I think that’s my intuition speaking volumes. It’s like breaking up with an ex bf, you can look back on find memories and sure be a little sad and a little happy, but you broke up for a reason. 

Post # 13
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June, 2014

kthebeau:  I had the same issue with a good friend for admit 11 years. She had a major meltdown because we asked our single guests to not bring a plus one. We didn’t want a bunch of people there who didn’t know us. She wanted to bring her bf and flipped when I asked her not to. After 6 months of not speakinf  (being deleted from social media, etc) I reached out and said a boy was a stupid reason to destroy a friendship. She said she wouldn’t miss my wedding for anything and that she loves me, things should just go back to how they were, etc. She didn’t bother showing up, didn’t bother even messaging “congratulations”. Honestly I don’t think our friendship really recovered after that first fight. Sometimes you just grow apart. If you’re interested then you can try to repair the relationship but in my case, I realized she was just kind of immature and flaky. It seems like wanting to rekindle your friendship is a little one sided and you’re on that side. If she had bothered readding you to her social media stuff I might feel differently, but it seems one sided in my eyes.  

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