Weddingbee boards

Me and my SO had an awesome week last week, an awesome weekend together, and last night after he went to sleep...I thought about life without him and had a good cry.

I think my emotions are high because we're coming up on the end of our timeline in 3 months, and if you didn't read my previous post, he just recently told me he has some debt to handle (that will probably push our timeline back). We're also coming up on some big milestones...like May will be a year of us living together, he'll be graduating from school in June, we'll be going to his cousin's wedding in DR in July for which he's the best man, and August will be our 3-year anniversary. 

When we moved in together last May, we agreed to be engaged within a year. While I was hoping it would be before a year, it's apparent that he is taking the entire year to make the move. I'm fine with that, but what I'm not fine with is him taking any longer. When we met we talked about marriage and what we expected out of a relationship, and he knew early on I wanted to be married and have children. Back then neither of us knew we would hit it off so well and fall in love. He was the first one and has been the primary one to bring up marriage and kids constantly over the course of our relationship....and still does.

I feel like he's had plenty of time to prepare, and has talked about proposing enough that he should be ready when he said he would be. And he still says he will be, but my intuition is telling me otherwise. I guess I'm just getting sad because I trusted him, and I trust him extra because he always reassures me. But I have doubts. And I feel that I am going to have to do what I said I would do and live separately if a year of living together comes and goes.

I actually don't plan to bring up living separately at exactly the year mark. I think that would be harsh. I am going to wait until after June when he finishes school, and probably after the wedding in July (in case he wants to propose on the trip, which he's hinted at before). Then we will be at August, which is our 3-year anniversary. I hate to wait for the anniversary, but I'm trying to be reasonable and not such a prude by giving him a little wiggle room, knowing that he has a lot going on...we both do!

I guess my inability to control the outcome of this is really getting to me. And I get so sad thinking that he may get cold feet about proposing, or that he hasn't been taking this seriously, and that we won't end up together. At first I told myself if he doesn't propose by May I would just tell him I don't think we should live together anymore, but we can still work on the relationship. But if I give him until August, I think I will just break it off. Especially since I'm being so flexible with the timeline. I've already made up my mind, and that is such a hard thing to say because I love him and I can't envision my future with anyone else. But I really want to be strong about this because it's important to me. And unfortunately he is the type that needs something drastic to happen before he takes action. So my last hope would be to walk away so that he'll realize what he's losing. And if he doesn't, that means it's time for me to move on anyway.

In a way I feel like I'm being overly dramatic, and that I'm not trusting him enough to do what he says. But I take his words seriously and I just know I'll be crushed if he doesn't keep them.

Thanks for letting me sulk :)

@eagle:  I have had this talk with him, just as you described it. So I don't have a concern that he hasn't thought about the fact that it's been a year, although you're right...he would have forgotten had I not pointed it out. Not only that, but he set a timeline of March which is separate from our moving in timeline. I KNOW he's not gonna make that one, so I don't even think about that one any more. But I agree, life does happen. I guess my problem is I feel as if the things that happened were completely under his control and he chose to let them impact the timeline. Like he knowingly accumulated the debt, and he knowingly pushed back his graduation date. I almost feel as if he's doing things to purposely sabatoge our timeline!

I definitely appreciate the feedback though, and how you put it so thoughtfully. Those are definitely things I needed to hear. After reading what I wrote, I can see how it comes across as just wanting to be engaged/married and I don't want it to seem that way at all. I think it's because I am just placing so much value on this promise that he has made for some reason. But I do question how realistic it would be to break up with him if he didn't propose at a certain time, especially if I still love and want to be with him. I know 2.5-3 years does not seem like a long time, but it's a time we both expressed being happy with.

We've also considered all of the other things you mentioned...me helping to pay, moissonite, and no ring. But he's stubborn :/

SillyStacey:  Thanks for the words of encouragement! I will try!

future.mrs.c  It is hard to trust them sometimes. Hope it comes soon for you!

I just wanted to second everything Miss Eagle has already said. Deep down, I'm sure you know his true reasons for postponing the engagement. If he has cold feet, after all this time, maybe it's time for you to move on, or at the very least try to start a dialogue with him to find out where he is emotionally. Men sometimes have to really be goaded into revealing their emotions and there might be some underlying issues he is holding back. Let's be real, for a lot of people the prospect of marriage is scary, even if you are in love with your partner. People sometimes fear change and he might be sabotaging your timeline not because he doesn't love you, but because he is scared of the ultimate commitment. 

For your sake, I hope this is simply a money issue. As my dad always says, those are the best kind because they are the easiest to fix. Problems that can't be fixed with money are the ones you need to worry about. 

@eagle:  I really don't think it's cold feet. I think he's just a procrastinator. And I also think he wanted to have things "in order" before proposing. But like I said he could have had things in order by now, he just chose not too. I think it's also that he's resisting change and wants to do things on his own time. I know he wants to take that step but maybe he's not as ready as he thought he'd be. I'm just guessing. Hopefully he'll get there in the next 6 months! He knows I'm ready, and have been ready. I honestly feel like if I love him enough to wait, he should love me enough to not drag his feet. That's just how I think.

I guess I'll reassess whether or not to push the timeline back after our 3 year anniversary. That's an improvement....because before I wasn't even planning to wait for the 3-year mark.

@shirasagi:  I think your'e exactly right about him resisting change and just being a little freaked out that this is it! He always says, I'm only going to do this once so I want to make sure it's right. He may have some concerns that he's keeping in, but to his credit he shares a lot of them with me.

Let's hope he gets past all of the emotions. I'll be happy when we get to the point where money is the only issue! For all I know that's already the case!

Great advice from your dad :)