Post # 1
Eugh..so frustrating day. I’ve been asking my FMIL for her guest list because I want to get started on our STDs. She’s been putting it off because she feels as though there’s no way she can invite everyone she wants while staying under the number I alloted their side of the family. Mind you, my family is paying for the entire wedding. We can only fit 170 people in our venue. My family has 70 people on our list and FI and I have 30 on ours, so that leaves FMIL with 70 spots for her family. Her current guest list is well over 100 people and she’s refusing to revisit it because she insists a lot of the people on the list won’t actually come. I’m not comfortable assuming someone will rsvp no, so I asked her to figure out an A list and a B list so that once we got some no’s in we’d be able to invite more people without exceeding our capacity limit. This lead to a convo about who to send STDs to, and she finally just told me not to send any STDs to her family. The wedding is taking place in my hometown, so it’s only her family that will be traveling and thus needing the STDs! I’m just at a loss right now. After our talk, I still have too many people on the guest list, and now I’m not doing STDs at all, which I was actually excited to do. Lametown.
Post # 3
SO sorry. What does your fin say about this?
Post # 4
First, you should still send STDs to your friends and family, if it’s something you want to do.
I’d also have your FI talk to her and go over the list offer to help narrow the list down. There could truly be some people that she knows won’t come (elderly relatives usually) and you could just send those people invitations.
Don’t let her rain on your STD parade.
Post # 5
I’d have your FI look over her list of 100 and cut out anyone he doesn’t want to invite – cousins he’s never met, etc. Get it down to 70, give her a chance to look at it and make changes. Give her ONE chance. Then send out STDs. I had some guest list issues with MIL too, it was tricky but you just need to present a united front and stick with it 🙂
Post # 6
LOL If FI had his way, he’d cut the list down to 50. At least half of the people on FMIL’s list have never even met me, and FI has no contact with them. It’s all about “family obligations” with FMIL, and FSIL kept saying “Oh you have to invite so and so. They won’t come, but they’ll give you a huge check!”.
IMO weddings should be about surrounding yourself with people who love you rather than making money!
Post # 7
i’m in the same situation EXACTLY. but my fmil cried and then my mom had to get involved… basically, she isn’t sending ANY STDs now, and I’m just rolling with it. she doesn’t want to “alienate people” this far out from the wedding, which is fine, so if her guests get the invites 2 months before and can’t make it, it’s all on her. i don’t know any of them so if they come or not, who cares… you can only control what you can control, i.e. the number of guests invited. it will all work out, and this way no randoms will be at your wedding.
Post # 8
Honestly, I would have your FI handle. Make him put his foot down with her and get the guest list. If she won’t cut the people down herself, then your FI can always do it for her! Definitely send the save the dates to your family and friends though…there’s no reason why they can’t plan!
Post # 9
You have plenty of time to send save the dates (the shouldn’t go out until six months out). In that time there could be a falling out with friends, family, people could move, things change, etc. You don’t want to be locked in to sending an invitation to people you are no longer in touch with. I would SERIOUSLY wait to send save the dates for the six month mark and take this up with her again around 7-7.5 months out.
Post # 10
Here’s what YOUR FI does: he tells her she has until 8/15 (or whatever date you come up with) to get the list down to 70. If she doesn’t give him the list of 70 and gives him the list of 100, he will be cutting down the list himself and she will not get a say.
Do NOT count on “Oh, they won’t come” because guess what they may all come and you will have more than your venue allows. Send announements after the fact. I so wish we would have done this!
Post # 11
@nyebride: Def agree with you on not counting on the the “oh they won’t come”. We’ve been surprised at the amount of people RSVPing yes that we didn’t think would make it. You CANNOT over invite if you don’t have space.
Just let your FI handle this though. My FMIL wanted to invite some of her friends that had invited them to their children’s wedding but my FI told her No and stuck to it (partially because we don’t have space and also because he didn’t know some of those people). We’re not really into having a bunch of people there that we don’t know.
Post # 12
Oh, wow. So sorry you’re having this problem!!! I agree with the above posters who say to have your FI deal with your FMIL. If, for no other reasons, than he knows how to handle his own mother and it won’t place a strain/create an argument between you and her.
I am soooo glad my mother is staying OUT of the invite-part. She mentioned a few people to invite (who I would’ve wanted to invite but forgot about!!!) and dropped it. My FMIL, however, refuses to even talk about it yet. (there’s a long history there, but oh, well.) I CAN see her trying to pull something like that, but I’m gonna leave it up to my FI to deal with. Less hassle, less chance I’ll say something that’ll start Doomsday.
definitely send STDs to your family and friends!!! Just because his family are traveling doesn’t mean your family/friends won’t have to keep something around to make sure they don’t forget.
good luck and hope things smooth out for you!
Post # 13
“Oh you have to invite so and so. They won’t come, but they’ll give you a huge check!”
We heard that a lot, and of that group who we invited… they all came. Also, their checks weren’t huge (not that they had to give us anything, but still… people have no idea what weddings cost). Send save-the-dates to your FI’s immediate family and anyone who he knows still definitely be staying on the list, and don’t send any to the rest. You don’t need to send STDs to everyone on your guest list, and that way you’ll have some flexibility with your guest list later (I know with our parents, they calmed down about the list a lot once we were further into planning).
Post # 14
Thanks for the suggestions guys. I’ll be the puppetmaster in the wings and keep hasseling FI to prompt his mom. *evil cackle*