Had a walk date and didn’t know it? – Has this happened to anyone? (long)

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

BallerinaBarbie:  Do you have friends or family nearby?  If so, I would suggest possibly taking a week or two to yourself to reflect on the relationship and whether it’s right.  I know that a lot of women can become obsessed with the idea of engagement and marriage, all the while overlooking some pretty important flags in the relationship.  Maybe take some time to yourself to think and approach the conversation after you’ve had time on your own to decide where you stand.

Post # 3
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

BallerinaBarbie:  No, you aren’t the only person who’s had these feelings. I know I had them too. At about the 4 year mark, I said that if it didn’t happen soon, I’d be on my way (I said it much nicer but whatevs). We finally got engaged at the 5 year mark.

If you don’t have friends or family nearby with whom you can retreat to for a couple of weeks, do you have the means to escape for a weekend and visit friends or family out of town? I have done this many times just for a mental break and change of pace. It’s good to get away. It may also help you remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. It may put things into perspective or it may strengthen your resolve to make a change and strike out on your own for a while.

My guy was not for marriage for a while. He had just come out of a long marriage in fact. I knew this so I just rolled with it for a long time and enjoyed our relationship. Then, about 3 years in, I told him I wanted to be married and was ready to do it and then I DROPPED it (he was not at all ready, this went bad, I cried and cried and even saw a therapist because I was so wrapped up in it). One more year passed and I told him again that I was ready and not going to wait on him much longer (year #4) and then I DROPPED it. About 3 months after that, he came around on his own and started talking about rings. We were engaged at about the 5 year mark. I did not hound him about marriage through the five years leading up to the proposal. Towards year #4, I was just frank about my desires and dreams and stated that while I respected his ambitions, I would equally seek to fulfill my own with or without him (marry him or marry someone else, I wanted to get married some day dammit – that’s how I see my life and not as forever BF/GF… BARF-O!).

So if you are serious,

Post # 5
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

I find it really weird that he won’t even talk about marriage.  Is he like this with other things?  Will he not discuss kids, or the future, or anything?  Does he even know if he wants to get married at all (taking you out of the equation for a sec)?  It’s one thing to not be ready to propose yet.  It’s another to refuse to discuss the possibility.  His actions sound really immature to me, especially for a 27-year-old.

Post # 6
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

BallerinaBarbie: pack his things, put them outside the door and change the locks. 

I only half kid. The next step is to decide who is moving out. If you aren’t ready for that, take a long vacation without him. Then decide after that. 

Post # 7
Member
6859 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Is there a reason he is hesitant about moving forward at this time? Is he stiill in school?  Employed in a secure position?  Able to save for a ring?  

Post # 8
Member
479 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Why has he decided not to talk about it until 2015?  Is that just some arbitrary date?  I find it weird that he won’t talk about it at all, not even in the ‘I’m not ready to do it yet, but I do want to get married at some point” sense.  Have you flat out asked him if he ever wants to get married (to you or otherwise)?

Post # 9
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

BallerinaBarbie:  When you have talked with him in the past, have you ever asked him why he seems so hesitant? Is there something holding him back or does he truly just not feel ready to marriage yet (which could be very possible). I’m going to give you some advice my DH and I just discussed in regards to discussing big things. I think a lot on my own about certain things (most recently about when to try for our first baby). I will think and think and think until it finally burts out of me, usually in a more emotional way than I really want, and overwhelms my DH because I want an answer now. After all, I have been thinking about whatever the topic is constantly for weeks/months, etc. It’s totally unfair to my DH because he usually treds along happy-go-lucky until a topic is brought up and then he needs some time to think. It appears he is shutting me down at times (we also talked about this) because he would say “let’s talk about it later”, but in reality he’s just trying to think about whatever it is I brought up. So we talked about how we are going to work on this. I’m going to speak up when I’m thinking about something early so he has plenty of time to think and then we’ll decide when we want to actually discuss it. Maybe something like this is needed for the two of you. 

I would sit down with your boyfriend and talk to him rationally and calmly. Tell him that you love him and would love to marry him in the near future. Perhaps throw out a time you would like to be married by (maybe the end of 2015 or early 2016) and ask him if or when he sees the two of you marrying. Then go from there. If his answer is vague, he doesn’t want to talk about it at all, I would do what PPs suggest and take some time away. Be honest with him about it too. Tell him this is really hard because he is unwilling to even discuss it and that you need some time to think away from the situation. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  KatiePi.
Post # 12
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

My FI was the same way. I knew I wanted to marry him right away, so I got frustrated that it took him longer than it took me, and I would bug him about it all the time. When I would bring it up he’d get really irritated with me and I’d be upset and hurt. Over the course of being with him though, I’ve learned that’s just his personality type. He likes to do things his own way, in his own time. He’s a slow and methodical kind of guy, and it has absolutely nothing to do with me. He was also really worried about the cost of the ring. It stressed him out, and I think that was a huge part of it. Honestly, if we hadn’t found my ring on sale completely by accident, I doubt I’d be engaged right now.

Is it possible that your SO is in the same boat? Or maybe he has some kind of plan in his head. If he says he wants to marry you one day, its a pretty safe bet that he’s telling you the truth. His excuses could be legit . . . I’d try giving him the benefit of the doubt. 2015 isn’t that far away.

Post # 13
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Can I ask besides the marriage thing how your relationship is doing? 

This is how most guys are. I struggled with this for a bit. I knew without a doubt that I wanted to marry the man I’m with. He didn’t want to talk about it. He loves me and we would get into arguments because I was ready to get engaged and he told me he wasn’t ready and didn’t know when he would he. No reason why either. I was hurt but I realized that talking about it caused arguments. Guys don’t want to think about spending forever with something they are bickering with or being pressured by. I dropped it like a PP said she did. Now 6 months later he told me to find a ring I want because a proposal is coming soon. It was hard at first to not talk about it but it helped our relationship so much that I liked how well we got along instead always being stressed about moving forward. 

 

I would miss the time right before we started dating, the “honeymoon” phase. Something I thought about was once we were engaged and married I’m sure the stress from that will make me miss the just dating stage. 

 

I think yall will be okay. I would drop it. Act like the discussion didn’t happen. If you’re obsessing over something he isn’t ready for it only pushes his back more. Plus it will mean so much more when he proposes because he is ready and not because he is doing it to please you. 

Post # 14
Member
2240 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’d walk. Ask him to move out if I could afford the expenses or move out myself if I couldn’t. I’d also tell him why: “if you’re not ready to talk about marriage I can’t live with you.” This isn’t bc I think marriage is the panacea or the solution to whatever problems you might already have. This isn’t bc I don’t believe in couples cohabitating happily wo being married. I say this bc it seems that marriage is a big deal for YOU so you should treat it as such. His refusal to talk about it, stone walling you and not bring able to have calm discussions about it are huge red flags IMO.

Post # 15
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

 

Soon2ElopeBee:  X 1000000, with the caveat that I don’t believe in living together before marriage for reasons like what you’re experiencing. 

4.5 yrs is more than enough time to know if you can have a life together or not, and for a man to act on it.  The extrication process you have to go through now just complicates matters even further.

Honestly, I wouldn’t bother fighting for who stays in the residence. If you rent together speak with your landlord first and explain the situation, perhaps you’ll get help with being taken off the lease etc. Or if your name is not on it than I’d pack my things and go. 

If you own a home together, thats a different ball of wax altogether. 

I cannot forsee that much will change (ie you getting a ring, an adult discussion at his prompting etc) any time in the near future.  He’s made his position clear – 2015 at best before he’ll even CONSIDER THINKING about it.  So that puts you at year 5 or so…. thats a long time to play house. 

My apologies if this comes across strongly, I am just so vehemently opposed to living together because I feel like there’s daily posts about this exact situation.  I think women see moving in together as a step toward solidifying the bond… a step toward marriage.  I think men see moving in together as either a) a means to an end b) a “test drive” of sorts or c) a pacifier. 

Either way, none of those approaches are in line with the other and it just creates a whole host of problems. 

You said you’re staying with family, may its time to make that your solution for a bit until you get on your feet? But I would not be staying with him, or potentially even the relationship if you feel its come to that point. 

I’m truly sorry for the pain your feeling.  Try to see the forest through the trees though. 

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