Had an argument with a friend–not sure of how to move forward.

posted 1 month ago in The Lounge
  • poll: Should I reach out to my friend again?
    No, you've already done so once. Let her reach out to you. : (20 votes)
    43 %
    Yes. Reach out to her again. : (23 votes)
    49 %
    Other (please explain below) : (4 votes)
    9 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    165 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    Not taking sides or placing blame, but even though you hadn’t talked to her about it in a while is it possible you said something to a mutual friend and it got lost in translation and got back to her?

    Post # 4
    Member
    165 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    annonabonn2 :  I would say give it a couple of days so she can cool off, your previous coments may have rubbed her the wrong way and since you never brought it up with her again her opinion may have festered and when you said something her residual anger came out.  I would just explain that you do really want to be supportive and that even though her church may not be your cup of tea you are still respectful of her choices.  Also, in person may work better so she can see your sincerity.

    Post # 5
    Member
    7726 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    annonabonn2 :  OK first thing: get off text and talk to her in person!

    I would text something like, “I think there’s been a misunderstanding between us, could we meet over coffee or something?”. Because there HAS been a miusunderstanding – you’ve criticised a non-Catholic church, and she has taken it as criticism of her church. So you need to talk it over.

    In person. Not by text.

    Post # 6
    Member
    433 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    annonabonn2 :  well, I wouldn’t exactly consider sending her a text telling her that her comments rubbed you the wrong way as reaching out. That’s more just like an blaming text. And so I don’t blame her for not responding. If you sincerely wish to “reach out” to her you could send her a text apologizing for the negative things you’ve said in the past, tell her you didn’t realize how your words affected her, and ask her if you could get together to talk

    Post # 7
    Member
    7392 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    Was she telling you specifically about her sermon, or was it like a facebook status update? I think you meant well, but your response did imply that you were still going to be judging her faith. If you want to salvage the friendship, I would try again with a more compassionate apology.

    However, many who are very religious like spending time with people who share their faith or who are interested in joining the faith. This rift may just be a part of how she is drifting away from you. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    44802 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    A good start would be you apologizing. Obviously your remarks in the past about other churches in general, and her church in particular, were interpreted by her as hurtful. If they weren’t, she wouldn’t have asked you to keep your comments and side-eye to yourself.

    You said she is one of your closest friends. Hopefully you place enough value on that friendship to be willing to make the first move.

    Post # 9
    Member
    435 posts
    Helper bee

    Religion can be such a touchy topic, even with friends. Having a Catholic background, I honestly think it gets worse between people with catholic backgrounds and other Christian denominations. I also was raised Catholic and no longer go to church. I don’t enjoy church and DH & I aren’t actual believers. Even being an agnostic, people giving general sterotypical insults to the Catholic church still makes me angry. That church was my childhood and reminds me of the grandmother that raised me. She was a true Christian woman and people insulting her religion that she devoted her life to really insults me. I’m sure other people feel even stronger about the religions they believe in. 

    That being said, after growing up Catholic, I was really shocked after going to a few different churches. And the issue is, when people ask what you think of them, anything other than “I loved it! Can’t wait to come back!!” is seen as negative and insulting. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you simply expressed some type of discomfort about these other churches, (your friend’s toxic environment church, her non-traditional start of a church) and she took these as offenses toward her religion. 

    If you reach out to her again, I would just make sure she knows that your discomfort in church services that are not the Catholic Mass is in no way you saying they aren’t real services. Also, if you want to keep this relationship in the future, I would sit down with her and talk to her about church. A real, honest discussion. Recently, DH & I had to sit down with a close friend (his dad is a pastor at their church). He was constantly inviting us to their church. We went a few times, but neither of us are actual believers and we did not ever regularly go. He kept pushing and pushing us to go, finally we had to sit down and talk with him. We let him know that it was not an affront to his dad’s church, we simply did not feel comfortable going to church when we do not belive in the religion. At first, he took this as a challenge to try to convert us. Eventually we came to a truce that our friendship could not be dependent on religion and that we valued it enough to simply count it as a difference of opinions. Maybe a similar talk could be helpful with your friend?

    Post # 10
    Member
    1776 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    I’m not sure I really have advice. But I go to a more casual, less than traditional church. One that would have no issues meeting in a comedy club if that was the space they were able to rent on a Sunday morning. But I understand that it’s different and people might be a bit shocked or unsure of what to think if they attend it. In fact, I would expect people from more traditional churches to be surprised at the very least and hate the format, at the most.  If that’s *all* you’ve said, I think she’s overreacting and being overly sensitive. 

    However, I would be offended if I felt like that person was judging or questioning the churches commitment to god and it’s teaching. Maybe that’s the way she took the comments you made? 

    Post # 11
    Member
    1077 posts
    Bumble bee

    I would say ” you know what Jane, I have been a little judgey of other churches in the past. ..I want to change that going forward and be more open minded. See you Sunday morning! 

    I would just accept her criticism because maybe there is a grain of truth to what she’s saying. We all can be a little judgey of things we don’t understand from time to time. But it sounds like your open to knowing more now or at the very least supporting your friend by coming to her sermon.

    Post # 12
    Member
    7917 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    “I know the obvious assumption is that I must have done it in the past or said/did something in the past to make her think this would be my natural reaction. As said above, I did express surprise in her church when I first heard about it. And I was not used to the way other churches operated and expressed surprise at the relaxed and almost…casual way her church seemed to approach service”

    Expressing “surprise” at the way her church operates and for the casual approach to services was obviously perceived as critical. My guess is that the criticism of her leadership role was a particular slap in her face. 

    When she vented as a result of you reaching out to attend her sermon, rather than do a bit of self reflection, you told her that HER comments rub you the wrong way. I am not surprised you have not heard back. 

    While texting was a poor way for her to initiate this topic, and while she could have been less sarcastic and more straightforward with you, you really can’t fault the woman for the way she feels. 

    Also, saying you would  feel “uncomfortable” in her church when you are only a visitor and presumably no one is trying to convert you, was totally unnecessary and probably offensive to her as well. Just keep it to yourself. 

    I agree that you need to stop texting and call her. Tell her that you are very sorry to have offended her and for the insensitive comments on your end and that you’d like to meet to apologize in person. Maybe she’ll eventually say she regrets how and when she expressed herself, too, but I think you need to take the major responsibility for what happened here. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    7219 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    annonabonn2 :  It sounds like her church is really important to her. It being kind of non-traditional, I imagine it’s the first church she’s felt really comfortable in and therefore you not wanting to attend and criticizing it must have really hurt her. Whether you actually said you didn’t like it doesn’t matter- you’ve said it here so I can only assume by her reaction that she sensed it and she isn’t wrong. She took your criticism of your friend’s situation and made assumptions. While those assumptions may not be valid, I’m sure you can see where she’d get that idea. Two good friends. Two non-Catholic churches. Two criticisms from you. 

    So… apologize. Acknowledge that you were uncomfortable with the venue and the church because it is unfamiliar to you, but that you see that it has made an impact in her life and you want to support that. Apologize for hurting her feelings and judging something so important to her based on the surface things and not what is truly important- which is the message and what it’s doing in her life. IF all that is true you need to say it. If none of that is true and you still find the church suspecious you have have no place going even if it is to hear her sermon. 

    I understand her words rubbed you the wrong way, but that is not because she is in the wrong. You aren’t sure if you should feel guilty. I don’t know if you should either, but you hurt your friend and she has a right to remain hurt. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    9 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    Wrong thread.

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    2613 posts
    Sugar bee

    Your first post comes across as critical of your friend and her church, you know. Surprised at the church venue.  Surprised at the high-up position of your friend while commenting on her lack of training and experience. Surprised at the relaxed and casual way her church seems to approach service. You say that your friend ‘seemed’ proud of her sermon. 

    It’s clear that you were brought up in a Catholic church now don’t go to church but still view and judge other churches by comparing them with your earlier church experiences. So you come across as criticising the venue, the sense of service and your friend’s status within her Church. And that’s before you tell us what the problem is.

    Can I say that she’s a close friend and so even if you haven’t overtly said anything she has probably picked up on it.

    Now in all fairness you offered an olive branch but your friend has acted defensively. But then it’s not too surprising.

    You need to apologize (again) and if that doesn’t work turn up at her church and give her a hug. 

    That’s what Christianity is about – love prevailing in the end – or so I’m led to believe.

    (It’s also worth noting that if Jesus was alive today he’d probably be spending his time in homeless shelters, bars and comedy clubs rather than churches.)

     

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