- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
Oh my lord. This isn’t all that funny but I’m still laughing because okay, it’s pretty funny.
Darling Husband and his father have a ridiculous relationship. It is like the most dysfunctional high school couple ever.
Let me try to lay out the groundwork here: Darling Husband is an only child, and his parents split when he was 7 years old. He lived most of his life with his father, who was an alcoholic but is now all cleaned up and doesn’t drink a drop. Darling Husband is in the Army, so he would of course get moved all over the place and didn’t get home to see Pops very often. And he did a deployment to Iraq, during which time his father was understandably quite concerned. So, father screws up son’s childhood –> father gets act together but no longer sees son very frequently –> father becomes aware of own mortality and desires to make up for lost time.
Now Darling Husband and I live in Washington state while his dad lives in Sacramento. Totally close! Only an hour flight! Oh yay!!! And I’m pregnant … with FIL’s only child’s baby … so it will be his first and only biological grandchild. Oh yay again! So great!
The thing is, oh how do I put this nicely … Father-In-Law is so annoying. Like, SOOOO annoying. He is clingy like your first boyfriend was clingy (unless your first boyfriend wasn’t clingy, in which case it is nothing like that). He calls Darling Husband almost every day (“where have you been? Why didn’t you answer? I was so worried!”); texts him constantly; is ALWAYS asking when he can come visit. Darling Husband was “in the field” for a few weeks last month (basically Army camping while instructing a class) and when he finally got back, he called his dad and his dad was like “Oh I missed the sound of your voice!!” I mean no joke — I didn’t even miss him that much. “I missed the sound of your voice”??? I think a guy I was dating in high school said that to me once and I promptly dumped him because that sh*t is creepy, yo.
I know this all sounds like lovely attentive father stuff, but there really is no way to describe how much Darling Husband is annoyed by his dad. Seriously, imagine the most clingy person you have ever dated in your life, and then make it so you can’t break up with that person because it’s your dad. And that is what Darling Husband deals with every day.
So finally we gave him a weekend that he can come up and visit — the weekend after our anniversary (HE WANTED TO COME AND VISIT ON OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY WEEKEND. HE SAW NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS) and he happily bought his tickets. Then last night Darling Husband was asking me what our plans were for that weekend because he had two different things he wanted to do and couldn’t choose between them. I reminded him his dad would be in town that weekend and he got SO. ANGRY. He totally lost it. It was hysterical. He was screaming curses that his whole weekend was ruined. “I HAD TWO THINGS I WANTED TO DO AND NOW I CAN’T DO EITHER OF THEM BECAUSE OF HIM!” I kept trying to point out that his dad was desperate to visit and missed him so much, and it’s just one weekend, but there was no consoling Darling Husband. “ALL HE’S GOING TO DO IS ANNOY ME AND FOLLOW ME AROUND AND ASK ME ABOUT STUFF! SUMMER IS TOO SHORT TO WASTE WEEKENDS LIKE THAT!”
Then he tried to ask if I could Dad-sit on Friday night of the weekend so he could do one of the things he wanted to do. I started laughing and shrieking “YOU WOULDN’T DO THAT TO ME!!!” Oh god … it makes me shiver, imagining Father-In-Law being like “let’s go to Babies R Us and buy a bunch of stuff for the baby because that is a totally normal and natural activity for fathers-in-law and daughters-in-law to do together!”
(oh, he is also so excited about my being pregnant that he wants to plan baby showers. My father-in-law, planning baby showers. WHAT?!?!)
Oh god. It is just too funny. I know that Father-In-Law means well and has the best of intentions, but it is just so funny to me how he pushes DH’s buttons without even doing anything. He plans to come visit on the weekend we told him to, and Darling Husband flips out. And it’s all going to get so much worse when the baby comes. He’s going to want to visit every weekend. He’s going to want to stay with us for a month straight.
At least I can take solace in the fact that Darling Husband is the one that is most annoyed by him, so I don’t have to be the bad guy saying “get your dad out of here”. But holy god. I’m surprised he hasn’t started passing Darling Husband love notes scented with perfume, lurking outside of math class to demand “WHO WAS THAT I SAW YOU TALKING TO?”
Except I bet you one trillion dollars he will pass us a love note scented with perfume for Mother’s Day. You know, because I’m a mother now. To a fetus that lives inside me and requires absolutely no mothering from me whatsoever. Sigh.
Sorry this story got so long; I just had to tell someone because DH’s ranting last night was too funny for me to keep to myself! Anyone else just have to laugh at their SO’s ridiculous relationship with their parents??
Meanwhile, any ideas on how to keep Darling Husband from killing his dad while he’s in town? I’m legit worried about that.