- 5 years ago
I’m going to try and keep this as short as possible. Because my usual username is too easily identified as me, I’m using an alias.
My family is at least half dysfunctional with the majority of abuse (physical/mental/emotional in my father’s generation and limited to mental/emotional in my own) is on my father’s side of the family. While I’m grateful that he never hit me (others have told me I have been and just was too young to remember) he routinely terrorized me. His form of “talking” was having my back against a wall, bending down to get in my face, using his index finger to poke me in the shoulder or hitting the wall near my head, while yelling at me and insisting that I make eye contact and heaven forbid if I ever cried. This continued for the better part of two decades until I finally was able to make it so that I was either never home or was unavailable. To this day I have an inability to make eye contact with people for more than a couple of seconds because to me, their heads get bigger and almost seem to become disembodied.
I’ve been in therapy for the last year and a half and mostly going every week, thankfully it’s free from my university. But every time he and I have gotten into an argument I always apologize for whatever it is I did or didn’t do just to get it over with (I know, not the right response but he still makes me very anxious) and if it doesn’t end, I still start crying. After every single one this past year I have been wanting to remove him from the guest list for my wedding and the only reason I haven’t is because my mom either wouldn’t come or would never forgive me. I refuse to play the part of the loyal and loving child to someone who hurt me so much but I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my mom. We very recently got into a fight and after screaming at me for the better part of 20 minutes I was finally allowed to leave. He yelled after me that he and my mom are going to talk to me about my behavior and how I need to be a better child/adult. Because I’ll be moving to the other side of the world in a few months, I want to take the opportunity to deliver an ultimatum. If he doesn’t go into therapy, I’ll never speak to him again. I’m afraid of losing my mom and the rest of my family because of this but I feel like it’s the only way I can maybe gain a relationship with him.