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I never thought planning a wedding would bring me so much heartbreak. We invited over 150 people to our wedding (152 adults/15 kids) and only about 85-86 of them (and 10 kids) are coming. That's half.
Our wedding venue is a few hours away but it isn't a destination wedding and our family and friends are spread out - so they would have to travel no matter where we had it. We planned it for Memorial Day Saturday so everyone would hopefully have enough time to travel if they needed to. We sent Save the Dates 6 months in advance and invitations 8 weeks in advance. It is a first marriage for both of us.
The wedding is 3 weeks from tomorrow. We are still missing some RSVPs but that estimate of 85-86 includes the ones missing that we realistically think are and are not coming.
Neither of my parents or my grandparents are alive to spend this day with us so I thought my family could rally for just one day to celebrate with me. Forget it - apparently that is too much to ask. I have even been offering to help with airfare or a place to stay for those travelling - no dice. They have other things to do, so they "just can't make it." And these are mostly relatives I consider close, not someone I've never seen before.
Also, two good friends that I attended the weddings of (one of which I had to fly to a remote area for and pay for airfare and hotel) also declined. How disappointing!
We expected some declines (25-30 people), from the ones with health probelms and the like, but NEVER expected so many people to just simply decline because they just couldn't find the time. I'm not trying to be selfish here, but if I had ANY idea that this many people wouldn't come, my fiancee and I would have gladly had a destination wedding at the beach - without all of the fancy planning and money AND spared me the hours of crying and feeling unloved.
One of my relatives that declined sent a check anyway (which we could care less about - what is important to us is who will be able to spend the day with us) - and I really feel like sending it back or saying in the thank you that I'll be using it toward therapy I will require to get over the emotional trauma from realizing your family doesn't care much about you.
To top it off, our venue has a minimum that we are clearly not going to meet - and although we are hoping they will negotiate somewhat (we will purchase some more things) we will inevitably end up spending some money on empty seats. At this point, we have asked EVERYONE that we know and I'm just kind of throwing my hands up in the air, but the money is the bottom of my concerns - we just wanted everyone there to spend this day with us.
I honestly am no longer excited about planning or doing all of the things I need to do in the next few weeks - I just wish I hadn't put myself out there and planned such a big affair for such a small number of people. It's too late to change anything, airfare and hotels are booked and deposits have been made. The hardest part is just me thinking that nothing really matters after this one day - several of my family members and friends have said they want to get together soon after - GREAT! So you couldn't make it to the most important day of my life but your calendar is available for a few days later. That's just awseome.
Any encouragement, similar situations would help - all I ever seem to see on any of these boards are people who have too many people and can't invite everyone they want to - I would be GLAD to take some of your guests off your hands!!
I'm sorry you feel so sad. But you really don't know the circumstances of others not travelling to your wedding. Travelling is hard, and it's expensive so it shouldn't be so much of a shock that you've had a lot of declines from people who have to travel.
And just because you attended a wedding that you had to shell out for doesn't mean you get to expect they do the same. Perhaps it is just not in their moneytary means to travel. I guess that's just life.
Honestly 80 something wedding is just fine to me. You already have lots of people to celebrate with you already.
I am in the same boat as you, we invited over 170 guests and just over half are coming. More than 60% of our guest list is OOT guests, and 3/4 of the way across the country, so i knew some wouldn't be able to make it, but before i worried about too many ppl attending, now i don't think we will even have 100 ppl there.
It is sort of sad, i wish everyone could come, but i know in the end all that matters is that me and FI (and our officiant) are there. I am trying to be happy and focus on all those who are making the trek out for our wedding and not focus on the others. People have their own lives to lead and unfortunately our wedding isn't top priority to everyone!
We had a lot less than we expected too, but you can't assume that people don't love you and that's why they're not coming. You don't know what's going on with their families, and sometimes there are just things that families have to do. The unfortunate part about a wedding on a holiday weekend is that travel is much more expensive, and sometimes families have traditions that they aren't willing to break.
It sucks that it's happening, but your day will be beautiful no matter what. Just look forward to the extras that you can get now - make people regret that they couldn't join your day!!
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. First, the same thing happened to my brother. He and his wife planned their wedding for a holiday weekend so everyone could have more time. Unfortunately, it back fired. Airfare, hotels and even gas are more expensive during a holiday weekend. Plus traffic can be a wreck depending on where you live. Also, a lot of people make other plans for their holiday weekends, which can be hard to break. I know it's hard not to be upset, but don't focus your disappointment as anger or frustration for the people who cannot come. As one poster said, it's hard to know their circumstances.
Also, try to focus more on the people who ARE coming, instead of the ones who aren't. It was a little sad for me to get over some of the close people who I know aren't coming to our wedding, but once I stopped thinking of that aspect and concentrated elsewhere, I felt a million times better.
The truth is that I'm sure you are going to be a lovely bride and have such an amazing wedding, during which you are going to marry the man of your dreams. At the end of the day, who could ask for more?! :)
We have also had a higher decline rate than we were expecting, and 4 of the declines were people it had never crossed my mind wouldn't attend (2 super close family members and their partners). One is a groomsman in another wedding that day; the other couldn't come for reasons too complicated to get into. I was really sad. But it doesn't mean that the people who aren't coming don't care about you.
Awww. *Hug*.
I'm lucky that almost everyone we invited can come. The sad part is that the people who can't come include: all the surviving grand-parents (they don't feel up for hte flight - totally understandable, but kind of sad) and my FI's brother - who hasn't bothered to RSVP. Or return his calls. We have no idea why, but something about our wedding made him (or his wife) really angry with us? And then my parents changed their flights for various reasons, and aren't coming in until late the night before, so will be barely participating.
On the flip side, we realized that all the people who we both invited and are coming are truly supportive of us, and we appreciate their participation so much. I hope you can focus on the awesome 85 people who ARE coming, and realize that those people really support you in your marriage.
Honey, please don't fret over this so close to your wedding. I know it is hard not to. My daughter got married in Feb and we invited about 100 people. She and her husband live in Florida and all family members either live in Pennsylvania or South America. We ended up with 55 that came. We knew many people would not make the trip for various reasons. My son-in-law's parents and 2 of his sisters could not make it to the wedding. Their visas were denied. Not much we could do about that- no matter how sad that was for everyone.
My family on the other hand... my sister/brother-in-law (my daughter's godfather) and my niece (their daughter- mother of 3 young sons) told us they couldn't make it to the wedding. BIL afraid to fly. SIL couldn't get the weekend off work. I figured my niece wouldn't come due to the expense. Now, note that there is not any fighting, bad blood or whatever you want to call it betweeen any of us. Imagine my anger when I saw posted on Facebook 2 days after the wedding- the shopping trip to MALL OF AMERICA for my SIL and niece! I haven't spoken to them since. I was incredibly hurt.
My point is this... you cannot control what others are going to do. I know you really want all of those guests at your wedding, but for whatever reason, they won't be there. Try to focus on the fact that you are marrying the love of your life and it will be a wonderful day no matter what! You still have to deal with not meeting your minimum guest count and that has to be resolved. Just try to remember that the people not coming to the wedding are going to miss out on a fabulous day of love and fun.
If my son-in-law can have fun at his own wedding when his parents couldn't come because some immigration person decided they can't for no reason- you can enjoy your day too!
I had a very similar situation. We invited 156, on the day of our wedding we had 73 people (75 total if you count us). Some of the declines hurt a bit... particularly because very few of my husband's family came. But honestly on the day of it was wonderful. It was SO nice to have a smaller group with us because it meant we really got to chat with and enjoy each and every guest. Not only that-- we got to have time to just enjoy ourselves! In regards to the money, I would just try to meet your minimum by adding a bunch of swank for those of your guests who are coming!
So sorry this is happening. But like the others have said, don't take it personally. Holiday weekends are actually worse for attendance beacuse of other commitment or the cost.
As your cater/venue if you can upgrade things or increase portion size and ask for them to box up any extra. Even if you can't take it, maybe your guests can.
You will still have a wonderful wedding day because you only need a guest list of 2 to be successful!
I know how you feel. My mom got a phone call the night before my wedding from some family members that said they couldn't make it after all, they all were on my dad's side. My dad passed away about 3 years before my wedding and so I was hoping to at least have some of that side there. I had one person, a cousin who I hadn't seen since I was 3, come. Thats it. Add in the fact that my grandparents scheduled a trip overseas (after I told them our date! Ugh) and wouldn't be back in time... I was a tad upset. I probably cried for an hour that night.
But then the day of, I was so happy to see all the people that were able to make it that it kinda made up for those who didn't. So be sad now so that you can be happy on your wedding day.
Oh, we had invited about 120 people, maybe 65-70 showed? And most were DH's side.
Oh honey, I'm sorry you're so sad. It must be incredibly hard to no longer have your parents with you to celebrate your day - I couldn't even begin to imagine it. Do you have any siblings that you can confide in? Whilst it does stink that so many people have had to decline, there are most likely a lot of genuine reasons for it. The economy is still rather down and petrol prices are going through the roof. Memorial Day weekend is a hard weekend to have a wedding - I know your intentions were good in thinking that people would have more time to travel, but the roads are so crowded and things are so much more expensive on holiday weekends. It could genuinely be that people can't afford it and maybe are embarassed to say to you - hey, we can't afford it.
I'm just sending out my invites this week so I don't know how ours are going to turn out - I know nearly all of my family is coming but hardly any of FI's family is coming. They all live in the UK or Australia so it is difficult for them to travel - we're not even sure his sister in England is going to make it. Other than that, it will only be his parents and his two brothers. I was a bit upset about that but FI is not and doesn't think it's strange so I will follow suit.
Ultimately, having a wedding of 85 people and 10 kids sounds like a great number. You will actually have time to mingle with your guests and actually get to spend some quality time with them. And having that many people is still going to seem like a full wedding and you will be surrounded by people who love you and are happy to be witnessing the most important day of your life. Also, you can do things like decrease the number of people at each table so you can still have a good number of tables and people can have a bit more elbow room. Instead of doing 8 or 10 at a table, maybe bump it down to 6 or 7. Whilst the financial hit is not cool, that's just what happens sometimes.
Hugs to you... it will turn out well. Focus on the positives and don't be dragged down by the people not attending as you never know what their personal circumstances really are. Have a wonderful wedding day!!
Aww, dont feel too bad! I have zero family/relatives in the US except for my immediate family...It makes me really sad that I wont have any family, but a few good friends and all of my FI's family and friends on our wedding day. Just remember the saying that its not about the quantity, as it is about the quality... And the time spent with those who few should be more important. These are the people who you are going to be spending a lot of money on to make a great party., so maybe you can focus on these people more. What I am saying is that if you have to spend more money on other things for those select few that are coming, then you can make your party even better!! What is the minimum spending requirement at your venue?? I know that I am going to be in a similar situation, but my wedding isnt till 10/1/11. Lastly, just know that in this time of our lives, its important not to forget that it is your day, and you really dont want to waste your tears on those who didnt make it. Just spend the money on making your big day extra fun for those who are coming! I hope you feel better..
Hugs. Your wedding will still be awesome. And now you'll have more time with each guest.
My parents only got 50% for their wedding, too, and they had a blast.
We're in a similar boat.
Same date too!
But I haven't gotten RSVP's from about 30 people so the numbers could still change.
I'm not that disappointed because a good chunk of them (maybe 30 of the declines) I knew weren't coming from the get-go. They are poor family from back east and just don't have the money to come out here.
So even though we invited about 160, we were expecting about 110-120. Seems like we're going to end up with between 100-110 so it's not really that far off our goal.
The only person I've been slightly upset about is a (relatively close)cousin who lives less than an hour away and declined without any explanation....strange!
Like others have said though, there isn't much you can do. I've found out that a lot of people schedule family reunions on that date becase it's the first 3 day weekend on the summer. At least 3 couples have declined for that specific reason (not relatives :)).
You can't take it personally. There's not much you can do except determine to have an amazing time with those who do join you!
My wedding is also Memorial Day weekend, and if it helps at all, we had some family members and friends decline just because there is a lot of stuff that happens at the end of May -namely graduations. And we found out the hard way that as important as our wedding is to us, Little Johnny's kindergarten graduation and party really do mean more to the parents. And I can honestly understand that. I think if my 5 year old were graduating Kindergarten, or my teenager graduated from high school, I would be there for my kids as well. ALL of our guests are majorly traveling, because we live deep in South Florida and everyone else is in other states. We also have another couple we are pretty good friends with that had a baby literally 2 weeks ago, and the wife doesn't feel comfortable flying with a 6 week old at the time of our wedding, and isn't ready to deal with leaving the baby, is breastfeeding, etc. And again, when I put myself in the first-time mom's shoes, I understand. Her husband is actually attending solo. So I hope you find out at some point what the reasons were behind so many declines, it may be similar situations to these. We were always planning a small wedding, with just our closest friends and family, so that made it easier to know exactly why they couldn't make it, they're all pretty much people we talk to regularly. And it may be many of those guests who declined had things going on like that, and when travel is involved, it complicates things too much. It is tough, I know...Neither of my grandmothers are healthy enough to travel, and have only been on airplanes once or twice in their life anyway. So I'm really disappointed that the distance means they won't be there. But on the bright side, at least you and I both know that the people we're spending our wedding day with, are the people that are the closest to us and that we are loved by the most:)
Same thing is happening to us. We invited 220 and only looks like 110 are coming.
Thats half. I know what it feels like. None of my mothers (passed away) family is coming even though I have tried to stay connected as well as i can with them since my mom and my graondmothers passing.
I have learned to accept that really the only people this wedding is important to is my FI and I and our immediate family.
I'm sorry this is happening. In reality, I would probably feel the same way. Try to shake it off... don't let this bother you on your big day. I'm sure when you see the faces of the people that did make the effort to be there on your wedding, everything will be alright. 
I'm actually afraid that this will happen to me. I'm getting married on the day after Thanksgiving. We only have about 5 OOT guests, and not much our fam/friends travel...but still - I'm a little nervous. Our list is at 144 which is the max for our venue... so I keep going back and forth between stretching the list (we have a B list) because of the possible declines or keeping it how it is in case everyone pretty much shows up. 
we also had a 50% decline rate so I know exactly how you feel. All I can say is that in the end, it was for the best. I forgot about the people I wanted to be there who couldn't because I was so focused on my husband and those who were there. On top of that, our catering / alcohol costs DRAMATICALLY decreased and I was able to work the rest of our photography into my parents gift amount towards our wedding because of it... saving us a lot... In the end, I don't think about all the people who missed out... though I never would have thought that possible before hand.
I'm so sorry you're going through this! The best thing to do is just enjoy your day with your husband...that's really all that matters. Everything is going to be beautiful and the people that will be there will be 100% supportive. But I understand your anger.
My husband's sister sent me an email 3 days before the wedding that she couldn't make it b/c she conveniently planned hers 2 weeks (oh, and she was against marriage a week before that) before ours when we had the date set for 2 years AND we were moving our stuff to our apt. 6 hours away. But she was able to make it to the family reunion a week later that happens EVERY SINGLE YEAR and her cousin's wedding a week after that. really?!
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
i am sorry to hear this, it is such a shame.
I hope i get acceptance cards from all my guests....(22) because if half declined it will be an even smaller wedding than it is now....(if thats possible!) LOL
the RSVPs that you havent yet received, can you get in touch with them and say 'sorry to bother you, but i really need to know the numbers.....and really would like to know if you will be coming?''
i think its rude not to even reply.
And look at it this way, you can spend more quality time with the people that did think your wedding was special enough to turn up to.....
Hey, I have a far lower percentage coming:
We invited 450 people to the wedding, sending out 225 invites. We only have 145 coming, I was expecting closer to half! I was sad at first, but then I redid the menu to include more food (and more expensive food) so that I still met the minimum.
Is your minimum a number of people or a price spent, because if it is a price spent, you can just change the menu to better food, or upgrade the alcohol.
This happened to me, too. We ended up having 160 people, but of that, my family encompassed eight. Eight of about 30. I know I have a small family, but it was really disheartening to see that they didn't make the attempt to come to my wedding. I chose to see it as me gaining a huge and wonderful family in my husband's family, rather than feeling put off by my actual relatives. We invited many of our friends, and between them and my husband's family, I didn't feel any less loved or happy that day. Looking back, I wouldn't change anything, because I know that the people who were there were ones who really cared, and wanted to be there. I know it's hard, but focus on the people that are there for you, and the new family you're gaining in your FI. Best of luck; I know you will have a lovely day!
I'm sorry you feel bad about the turnout, its defintely disspointing. But i hate reading on here the judgements on guests who can't attend, as not "being there for you" or "unsupportive". I think thats a stretch. You have no idea why someone cant' attend. They have lives to and sometimes our wedding can't be at the top of list of their priorities, as much as they would like to be there.
Yes you (and all of us brides) have high expections and put alot of planning and money into this one day, but friends/family are also doing the same. Add on that that its not easy, nor cheap to travel (especially) over a holiday weekend. I think brides lose the sight that for some guests, supporting you sometimes comes a high costs that involve hundreds/low thousands of dollars (between airfare, hotel, car rental, outfits AND wedding gift etc) that they may not have readily available, even with six months notice. Or perhaps they already had booked their vacations. It sucks but it is what it is. Its risk one takes when booking around a holiday.
Ultimately, I have no doublt that your wedding you will be fabulous and you will have so much on your mind that you won't be focused on who isn't there.
@dmk79: I know this porbably wont make you feel any better but pretty much no one on my my side came to our wedding either, at first i felt awful about it and really torn up and even after i think about it and am a little disgusted by their actions...but here is the thing.
I didnt notice on the day. Everyone who WANTED to be there was there, so I was only surrounded by love. and it was the greatest.
I really hope things work out for you and some friends will fill those empty spots!
I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I just wanted to say I've also heard that Memorial Day and Labor Day have the lowest attendance rates, I wouldn't take it personally.
I'm so sorry! There really is no 'good' advice to give in that situation, just know that the most important thing is that you and FI are getting married. People who can make it there will be a part of it, and those who can't will still be thinking of you that day.
I’m so sorry to hear you are disappointed with your RSVP’s. My favourite cousin (and best friend growing up) decided to go to a friend’s wedding instead of mine. It surprised me to find out a lot of people I thought for sure would make the effort are not coming – and the people I never thought in a million years would come, are coming! It is amazing to think there will be more people from all over the country (and world!) at my wedding than there will be locals! I have people flying over fromEngland, flying in from the west coast ofCanada, flying up from the States … and yet some of my guests that are living in the same city as our wedding cannot make it.
I know it must be disappointing, but think about all of the people that really are making a big effort to spend your special day with you! To me, it means much more to have half of my guests there that REALLY want to be there, and will stop at nothing to come (expensive flights, hotels, blowing off other weddings, taking time off work etc.) than to have all 100% of them there, with half not really fussed one way or the other about being there.
:) it will be a super special day, and you will be surrounded by people that really care about you! It is not about the number of your guests, but the quality! And having less people means you will have more of a chance to spend quality time with all of those special people!
I am kind of hoping this happens - not that I don't want a lot of my friends and family there, just that our venue is kind of tight.
I'm really sorry that you're sad, though. :(
I'm so sorry that you are sad. That's no way to feel before your wedding.
This may be a shot in the dark-- but are there any folks that live nearby that you weren't able to invite before because of space/monetary restrictions? Like work friends, or others outside of the main circle? Perhaps you could send an invite (and give them a call) and explain that due to circumstances some space has opened up and you'd love for them to come? (I know some people think this is not appropriate, but I say, whta the heck! It's a party-- you can do what you want! Another way to bump up the guest list is to call foks and let them know they can bring a date (if they were invited as singles originally? I know often people can't invite "plus ones" but now there's room!
Please keep us posted on how it turns out! And know that you are not alone!
In doing my count, I haven't even included my stepdad's side of the family - we all live in the same city and you can't even make it to Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner?! Yeah, right. When I was growing up, I didn't even realize my dad came from a family of 9! I thought I only had one uncle (b/c he lived with us). I was going to have the wedding in my hometown but figured if they won't show up anyway, might as well have it someplace nice. I'll still send out the invites, but only two of my aunts will probably come (one does hair and one does makeup, COINCIDENCE?)
I'm so sorry this happened to you and the other Bees but in a way, I'm glad I read this because my misery needed some company. I've been sobbing every day for about 2 weeks about how awful all of the declines are because we are getting married in my homestate, but a state where almost none of our friends and family currently live. Even a few of my local friends can't make it now! We're at 84 guests (including the bridal party!) and 96 declines, and we're still waiting on about 25 RSVPs, but yeah, definitely more Declines than Accepts. Some people we weren't surprised, but a few close friends and family we are just shocked that they can't come. We're trying to find ways to get around it, pay or whatever.
We're not getting married on a weird weekend, but we are getting married in a city and state that most people don't know anyone, so it's hard to find places to stay or give rides. I think that has played a role too.
The only thing I can say is that I know almost everyone coming to our wedding (my mom invited a few girlfriends of hers) but it'll be a small wedding where I know everyone and it will be a good time. And those who can't come are devestatingly missed.
@MissKatelyn: I'd come :P.
Seriously thought i'm so scared for this too. I feel so bad for both of you. I don't understand why people can't set a side a little tiny bit of time to just say congratulations. I'm so scared to send my invites out after hearing these stories. But I hope your wedding goes swimmingly and all the people that DO show up make it awesome for you two.
@dmk79: I hope your wedding was still nice.
I recently got married, and just wanted to say that you are so happy on that day and enjoying the ppl that you are with who are celebrating with you that you won't even notice those that didn't couldn't make it.
We were fortunate that almost everyone came to the wedding but we had about 12 no shows who did rsvp'd yes. But honestly, I wouldnt' have noticed until I was informed of the fact because I was just having so much fun with those that were there.
So I hope your wedding was the same way, having a blast witht those that were there to celebrate with you.
@Ms. Sparkles: I'm just scared because my venue is a ballroom with a 12,000 minimum food purchase (its hard to explain but they have no site rental fee they just basically make you spend 12,000 on things to be served at your wedding), so only having 50-80 people show up will be a disaster and a massive waste of money.
I'm nervous about this as well. I'm sure all brides secretly are. We're here in Florida, and all of my family (besides parents) are in Kentucky and Tennesee, and my FI's are here. I was told by our event coordinator that you can normally only expect 70% of your invited guests to show up. We want to MAX ours out at 100, but I'm trying to figure out now if we should invite MORE than 100, just in case. It's such a numbers game, it's not any fun at all :(
Hope everyone's wedding has turned out wonderful and best of luck to those coming soon!
@Corilee13: Yikes, with respect to money...I would be concern as well. However, if you have only 50-80 ppl, you get to splurge more on those guests, so you get to buy a more expensive meal, drinks, etc?
A venue we looked at, but deemed to small, had the same requirement, you just had to spend a certain amount of money. On that day, there was a wedding that only had 75 ppl and I was reading the menu and looking at the deco and it was simply elegant, fancy, and beautful. Those guests were def going to be spoiled. :)
It sounds as though this can happen to all weddings, probably does and we don't hear about it as guests. My FI and I live in Daytona Beach, 70% of guests coming from Ohio....we haven't sent invites yet, just the STD's, we know ALL of our families are coming and most of our friends say they are coming, some have booked airlines and with the resort, and I can see some that just don't seem like they'll make it, eventhough they still swear they will.......I will believe the other Bee's who have had their wedding and had a blast with those in attendance. I do not want to have our day ruined by those who couldn't come.
It is reassuring to hear these comments and know that it happens a lot at weddings...helps me realize I will not be the only one having close friends not make it for some reason.
Our wedding is not until March, I have save the dates ready to send out next week, just have to write the envelopes out next week while at FIL's. Anyway, our guest list is at 140 now, and I am estimating about 100 will show, the majority of that is family/friends here in town.
I have other family that have already said they may not be able to make it as our actual family reunion is 6 weeks later, which means more travel for them, and they would be coming from South Carolina/Georgia to South Florida twice in 6 weeks.
Also FH's brother whom he wants to be his best man has said that it may only be him flying down for the weekend of the wedding from TN and the rest of the family from up there won't make it. Makes it rough, of course he does have 2 brothers; but it is the one up there that he has always been closest to.
I'm sorry this happened but I do think you're overreacting. You should not need therapy or even shed more than a few tears over people not wanting to travel to come to your wedding. Honestly, over an hour away is about my limit for a wedding unless its someone I'm really close to, as in talk to at least once every couple of weeks, or its a place I've been wanting to visit. Not to mention that if you did have a destination wedding like you mentioned, maybe 10-15 people would come, so I think your expectations wouldn't have been met either way. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just being honest.
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