HALP!!! How to move on from a toxic friendship???

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

What does your FI think of all this? Is he not annoyed M is lying to him too?

Post # 4
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

annonabonn:  Hmmm interesting. While I understand that he wants a relationship with M, I think I’d be pretty pissed off with my FI if he didn’t stick up for me more in this situation. You can’t go inside to use the toilet? I’d expect my FI to say screw you if she can’t go in, I’m not either. 

You should be your FI’s number one priority and if T & M are making you life hell, then I believe he should say something to M- if you don’t start treating my FI with respect (as both of you have always treated T with respect) then we can’t continue to see either of you.

Post # 5
Member
11472 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I had an incredibly toxic friend that I had to cut contact with earlier this year.  It hurts, let me tell you that up front.  But on the other side – it’s so much better.  Once I stopped talking to her, wondering which of her stories were lies, or what she was saying about me behind my back, a huge weight came off my shoulders.  

Disconnect from her on social media.  Delete her phone number.  End all contact.  Your SO should do the same.  Don’t bring them up.  Don’t gossip about them.  Just pretend that they don’t exist.  That’s all you can do.  It’ll suck in the beginning, but eventually, you’ll move on and realize that life without liars is much better!

Post # 8
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

annonabonn:  Ok I feel better now knowing he’s standing up for you! Yes, it does suck putting him in that position but ulitmately it’s got to be done. M needs to know it’s not ok. 

I agree delete her off SM,or perhaps ‘hide’ her stuff so it won’t pop up on the newsfeed. Delete her number, delete pictures of her. Get her off your mind. And when she does pop into your brain remember this-  it takes a lot of energy to lie and be horrible to people so she must live a sad, exhausting life.

Post # 9
Member
3321 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

You can’t change others, you can only change your own actions and reactions to others.

Now you know this, but I will tell you plainly: your idea of “competition” is silly. It’s even harmful. How are you going to develop your own life path if everything that chick does defines that path? She gets married, so now you have to get married. She has baby, then another. So now you have to have at least 2, maybe 3. And what if you don’t even WANT children??? haha.

See, what she choses to do in  life is her own to chose. Yours is your own to choose. Don’t blow that awesome power of directing your own life because someone gets under your skin enogh to interfere with you having clarity of purpose.

You have no obligation to be friends with a liar. Keep your distance, practice showing cool polite interest when mutual family members speak about her and switch the topic. Never let someone bait you into speaking ill of her. Liars are easily found out and she will be, too.

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  .
  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  .
Post # 10
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

annonabonn:  Yep I agree with PPs what on earth is your FI thinking??? I have been in this situation where I was saving FI’s relationships by being a doormat  and sacrifycing my feelings for the sake of his friends/family members…. that only ended up in years of resentment – apparently I cant be a bigger person without feeling furious about lack of reciprocity. Like you go on and apologise and they dont bother to show ANY cordial feelings and take you for granted.

So, how dare your FI allow them to walk over you??? Yes I had this same talk with my FI and he admitted she should never had allowed that to happen and the relationships that can not accept us BOTH are irrelevent, and should not go on. So yes, I blame your FI for the resentment you have built.

It is hard to move on – I am still brewing over past feelings and I know if occasion arises I will totally explode and will childishly bring up things of the past.

The only advice I have is the one I am trying to follow

1) Talk it over with FI and establish the borders, you must have his 100% support.

2) Stop waiting for good feelings from them, and whatever happens to them is irrelevant you live your life and celebrate your life together.

3) you cant possibly talk things over with her without it becoming REALLY ugly and possibly being slandered as a B*tch, so the only way for you to vent is…. well it will sound silly… but write a journal. 

Google ‘Morning Pages’. Write a few pages every morning about how you feel, bring up past hurts, rant, vent. Tell the pages what you would have told her( or anyone else you need to talk to!). Over and over again.

Later on you can destroy the pages or you can keep them, but this will help you release the resentment without actually talking to her. Do this for like 30 days or as long as you need. There are a few books out there on this, but they all come down to writing down your feelings daily, as emotional release. You are clearly still very hurt and it is not getting better. That’s what I am trying to do in dealing with such things. It does help.

 

best of luck and lots of hugs!

 

ETA I see you already talked to FI and sorted it out! Congrats!

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  AnnaVictoria.
Post # 11
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee

I personally burned a few bridges (for good reason) earlier this year with a few girls I had been friends with for many, many years. I have zero concern for any of them, and I don’t expect or even want a “congratulations” from any of them.

I guess my advantage is that I don’t care. Once I walk away, I never look back and I don’t care to analyze anything they do. Makes for a simpler life!

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