Post # 1
I have been dating a man the past several months. We both had just gotten out of previous marriages when we started dating. We hit it off from the first date and got along great, both having similar, easy going personalities, and being quick witted, and funny. We have talked of getting engaged next year. He initially said he never wanted to remarry, until he met me, and I told him I just wasn’t one to be just a girlfriend indefinitely.Everything has been great but we have many differences of opinion on politics, money, and some social issues. We never fight about these things, and can respectfully listen to the other without it being a fight. He is Catholic and I am Baptist. I told him from the beginning my faith was important to me, that I would not convert and he told me he would come to church with me. He is great to me, spoils me, and always thinks of me. I know it seems I am crazy to question anything but things keep coming up. A big one is our views on money. He is a doctor, and now owns a couple of businesses. Honestly, he makes more money than I ever fathomed possible. BUT he is very frugal. Now he will spend money on trips, restaurants, things like that. But he is always giving me money saving tips and it drives me crazy and makes me worry what it would be like to share a life with him. For instance our homes is a big one. My ex-husband and I had just bought our 4000sq foot dream home before he cheated and walked out. I love my house, and am about to have to sell it since it was a 2 income house. But I hope to get somthing similar if I remarry. My boyfriend makes 3-4 times as much money as my previous husband and I combined made. His house is nice, in very nice neightborhood, but it’s small, 1800sq ft. It’s paid for, and he just thinks a big house is a waste. He would rather travel and maye get a vacation house. I hate the layout of his house, and want something bigger. We will talk about it, and he has said he may be willing to sell and get a little bigger but not over 2500sq ft. Then later on he joked with me about agreeing to stuff to make me happy and then later showing me the error of my ways. His goal is early retirement, and justsave money until then. But I think whats the point of having money if you don’t spend it on what you want. Thats just it, its what I want and he doesn’t, so he assumes we dont need it. He gave me a speech about how it’s OK to have starbucks like once a week but its a waste for anymore, because coffee you can make yourself. I takled with him about how I worried our differences in spending money was a problem, and he was like I am not the money nazi, you can do what you want, I just try to help you realize ways to save. I talked a little about this with his business mgr, and she told me not to worry that hes always spouting money tips, and how they should save and not spend but when it comes down to it, he’s always like “go ahead and get it” And I know she is right, he does spend money on me, and on what he likes. but sometimes I get afarid that everything I want is unimportant but what he wants makes more sense. Like he just spent 6,000 on box seats to a hockey game on new years. Which that will be fun, but then I think fussing over starbucks is kinda crazy when he spends like that. So has anyone else had these issues? How do you handle it?
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church
@clm123: I’m not sure what I’d do in your position but here are the thought that came to mind as I was reading your post;
#1, marriage has to be about spending your life with your best friend. It’s that companionship that will last a lifetime. If you don’t see eye to eye on some major things, that could really be a problem down the road. If it were me, I would not be able to marry someone that I didn’t at least mostly agree with as far as my relationship with God, politics, and money.
#2, even if he is willing to buy things after giving all of his “tips” it’s going to grow old fast. Probably the biggest issue that DH and I have is that he always feels the need to give his advice or tell me why he doesn’t agree with my decisions. He doesn’t expect me to change, he just likes giving his little pieces of advice/ condecending mini-lectures. Even though he doesn’t expect me to do what he says, it’s sooooooo annoying to me!!!!!!!
Ask yourself if you can deal with the comments for the rest of your life. My guess is that you’ll get really frustrated and annoyed by them really quickly. I’d have a good talk with him about it.
Post # 4
Thanks for your comment. What you said about your husband is spot on for how he is. He doesn’t expect me to do everything he says, but still likes to give his speech. And it is annoying. However, having been married previously for 20 years, I realize men and woman are just differnt, and you have to accept certain things, no one is perfect, they are not you, so they will feel differently about things. You have to learn to accept differnces, and work with them. This took several years of marriage to do in my first marriage, and is not an easy process, to learn each other, and round out the differnces. Howver sometimes I wonder if this is why his wife left. He says she just wasnt happy anymore, and has been so frustrated that she has spent his money like crazy since they separated and divorced. She bought the huge home with a pool, did all kinds of renovations and trips. I have talked with him, and it always hurts him, and he thinks I want out. I don’t I just think we have to figure this out to have a happy life. I agree the faith is huge. He says he is christian too, and not that differnt from me, and he respects its a big part of my life. He is not as religious, but says he will be involved with me. This is the same as my first husband, I think many men arent as religious but go along with their wife. The politics is not huge, as hes just not hugely policital and is middle of the road, where I am more conservative. We agree on many issues, more than we dont.
Post # 5
@clm123: ok we have two things here–religion and money!
1. On the religion point- has he ever gone to church with you? there’s nothing stopping him from starting now. If he has only said he will go and not actually gone yet, I would invite him to come with you Sunday and see what he does. Give him a couple chances to come with you.
2. It sounds like he just wants to save on the little things so he can do the big things! Like you said, he spends money on you now. This may be a case where both of you change a little bit– he is willing to get a new house, just not as big as you want. He wants you to cut down your starbucks habit to once a week. THis makes a lot of sense because when you want to retire early you have to get used to living on a fixed income. I would really see if he takes your feelings into account–does he control everything or is he flexible?
Post # 6
How long have you dated? Do you live near each other?
It sounds like not only do you have different opinions in money, but you have very basic different theories in how money should be treated. This is like the building blocks of money impressions! That’s not a good fit honestly.
Have you politely said to him, “I truly understand where you are going with all this money advice, but I would appreciate it if you reserved it for when I asked for it.”
Perhaps he is needing to see changes on your end (hence all the suggestions) before he can move forward?
I am someone that lives modestly and wants to retire early. Yet I will spend $500 on a zero degree sleeping bag or $1000 on a BBQ grill.
If he says he would go to church with you, I also would ask has he done this? Or is it all talk?
Here is a great book:
Is He Mr. Right?: Everything You Need to Know Before You Commit
By Mira Kirshenbaum
It might be geared towards 20 year olds, but the advice is still very solid. IT goes over the five dimensions of chemistry and checks if you have it or not.
Post # 7
Thanks everyone. He has offered several times to go to church with me, and he will. Its just we are always on oposite schedules. Im a nurse and work every other weekend, which makes it hard. He has tried to go with me before but my older daughter pitched a fit and didn’t want him coming for a while. SO I backed off until she got used to the idea. She is doing better now with me dating and we are planning on going together.
We have dated for almost 6 months and live fairly close to one another, about 2o min apart. I find at this stage in life romances tend to go much faster from what I see in friends that are divorced. He talks often of us being together long term, so I know that’s what he is thinking. He even said something to the effect of in nthe next 2 years we will be together full time, and doing our shopping together so we need to begin coming together on our ideas of shopping, and spending. And I think we will as well, that’s why I want to work out these things. I think oart of it is just his personality. He is a doctor, and owns these buisinesses. He is used to running things and calling the shots, plus he has been financially successful and just is used to leading things. He des try and says all the time he wants me to call the shots with many of the things so that it is less on his to do plate. It is just hard I think at this stage in life. I am used to someone else for the past 20 years. I have not dated in 23 years. and it is the same with him. It is really hard to know what to expect.