Happily ever after meant for everyone? confused

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

stallone:  I didn’t have doubts about wanting to be a wife but to answer your thread title question I do not believe there is someone for everyone. Setting aside the statistical reasons that would be impossible, I think there are people who genuinely don’t want to “settle down” ever. Or people who are not monogomists.

I did however have the doubts about kids. As a teen I always thought I’d have kids one day because that’s just what people do. But the older I got the more I realized I didn’t want to be a mother and the “baby fever” I expected never came and I’m ok with that.

 

Post # 3
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I used to believe I wanted kids. Now I know I don’t. The worse thing would be to have kids and regret them. If you don’t know,don’t do it. Would you still be interested in marriage if there was not expectation of children? or maybe if you imagine another man to be your husband?

Post # 4
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I did not know that marriage was for me until I met my FI. With him I just feel like it’s right. Before him, I always knew I wanted it, but had serious doubts about the guys I had long term relationships with. Sometimes it freaks me out, because I can’t control how FI feels, and what if one day he falls in love with someone else? But I know how much I love him and how loved I feel, so…hopefully we’ll be ok. 😉

Post # 5
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

stallone:  when I was 17, I was pretty sure I was not the “marrying mother kind” 

when I was 20 and met my now FI, I was still pretty sure that I never wanted to be married and certainly never wanted kids. It just wasn’t in my life plan.

Fast forward I almost 5 years later. I can’t wait to get married next year and I get the baby itch ALL THE FREAKING TIME!! I can’t wait to make babies and watch them grow up and grow old with this wonderful man that I met. 

It doesn’t mean you’ll change your mind. But I did. I had known and dated my other half for over two years before he changed my mind. Something in my head clicked one day and i figured out that it was what I wanted after all. 

In the end, happily ever after is a relative thing. It’s not a picket fence and a husband and two kids for everyone. Happily ever after looks different for different people.

Youll figure yours out too 🙂 

Post # 6
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

I believe it’s all a very personal decision and that it varies person to person. Some know right away what they want, others find it along the way and don’t know, or others have it change for them. Me, initially I wanted to go to school, graduate, get married, have babies and be stay at home mommy. Now, it may not be that way. I’m not sure. yes I do want to marry my FI and would like kids, but I’m more open about things. Right now we are enjoying each other, traveling, no kids, going to life as it comes. I’m not sure when we’ll start having kids, some days I’m ready and others I’m not. Currently a brother of mine is voicing that he doesn’t have any desire right now to settle down and have kids, it’s a very personal decision to everyone and there’s nothing wrong with w.e decision each person makes. If you don’t want to then you don’t want to, there’s nothing wrong with that. A cousin of mine and his gf have been together for 10+ yrs, not married, have no plans to marry or have kids cause it doesn’t interest them. Whatever makes you happy. Maybe you’ll meet someone one day that will change your mind, maybe you will live your life content and happy however it plays out, only you can decide that for yourself just be honest about what you want with yourself and own it 🙂

Post # 7
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

So, this is my balls-out, unsentimental view on this. Take it for what you will:

Marriage is anything you want it to be. That’s what makes it a marriage–it’s a covenant between you and another person and no one else. So if you guys want to have a retro 1950s thing in which he goes off and works and you wear an apron and greet him wtih a martini at the door…great! If you think you need sex on the side in order to stay committed, hey–it’s your marriage. Sleep in separate beds or even separate states, 200 kids or 200 cats, old colonial or yurt–it’s really you and your spouse’s life. And that can be whatever you guys want. Seriously, at the end of the day, marriage is really tax status–all the other stuff (commitment, monogamy, kids, white pickett fence, suburbia, watching each other pee) is really just a cultural bias, and one you don’t have to subscribe to. 

So I guess a better question for you is what kind of marriage do you honestly want? And is the problem really marriage (ie, really sharing your life with one person) or is it just the specific “type of” marriage in your head? 

Post # 8
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

stallone:  I’ve always known, but I also wasn’t prepared to settle, it had to be with the right person. I didn’t want to rush in to it with just anyone for the sake of security. I definitely want children and i’m so excited to spend the rest of my life with my FI, but at the same I totally understand that that’s not the journey everyone wants to take.

While I can’t necessarily relate to people who don’t want a partner or don’t want children, I don’t have a problem with their choices and I respect them for following their heart, just as I hope they respect me for doing the same! We all have our own paths and we should do whatever makes us happy.

If you’re back and forth about your feelings its possible that you’re just not ready for it right now which is fine! As you get older it will probably become clearer in your mind what you want as you continue to learn more about yourself. There’s no right or wrong, you can do whatever you like! You also don’t have to go down the stereotypical road of marriage and parenthood (i.e. man is the breadwinner, woman is the housewife/care giver) you can make it work any way that makes you happy 🙂

Post # 9
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

I always believed I would get married and have children, but I assumed it would be much earlier than it’s turning out to be.

But the person I was with when I was around the age I’d always assumed I’d get married was entirely wrong for me, strung me along, cheated on me and just generally played mind games. It was a blessing in disguise that we never progressed further than we did

Post # 10
Member
2124 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

BothCoasts:  I think this is a very important statement you just made in reference to what the OP asked. Marriage can be what you want it to be, not what you believe is expected.

Post # 11
Member
851 posts
Busy bee

I never wanted to be married; hated the idea of marriage, hated the idea of a long or serious relationship, and hated the idea of being committed/tied to a person. I couldn’t imagine how I could ever find someone I liked well enough to want to spend my life with them. Much to my astonishment I found someone I wanted to marry and much earlier than I ever would have guessed. So people’s opinons and plans can change. Is it meant for everyone? Of course not. But that’s not to say it isn’t meant for you. Just don’t rush it, and don’t commit to anyone/thing that you don’t feel ready for.

(On a similar note, I was also absolutely sure I never wanted children. That hasn’t changed the tiniest little bit.)

Post # 12
Member
3097 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

I don’t think you need to be married or even in a relationship to live “happily ever after”. I had doubts at first, simply because I was so sure I wouldn’t get married til my thirties at least, but plans change and I wouldn’t give up my DH to be single. 

Post # 13
Member
6503 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I didn’t have doubts about wanting to be married one day but I’m still not sure about kids. I have a couple of friends who told me they couldn’t see themselves ever getting married and then ended up married abs are thrilled with their decision so things change. At this point I do think you should be honest with your partner though.

I think your title is interesting though. I don’t believe you need to be married to have your ‘happily ever after.’

Post # 14
Member
8418 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

stallone:  I never wanted to get married or have kids….until I met my husband.  However, happiness isn’t about being married or having kids, it’s about perspective.

Post # 15
Member
4894 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

The vast majority of people in the US get married.  About half get divorced.  For 2d marriages, the divorce rate is 73%.

So, clearly happily ever after doesn’t work for everybody.  Most people do want marriage, the last stat I recall was something like 98%.  So there are some who just don’t marry.

It’s a personal choice.  If you are lucky, you choose wisely & well & you both go into it with the tools to make it work.

Marriage is just a kit, not a finished product.

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