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I don't know how to respond or what to do about this topic anymore. Maybe you bees can help a girl out...
My husband has a job in the construction field, an industry that has been hit especially hard by the recession. I am currently unemployed for the second time in a row after being laid off from what was basically my dream job. I'm having a very hard time finding anything suitable because my industry (real estate) was also hard hit for the exact same reasons.
My husband is miserable. Every day. He hates his job so much that I personally believe he is falling into clinical depression. He has told me that I am the only thing in life he cares about anymore, that nothing makes him happy, and that he wants to quit his job. I hear some version of that daily.
Him quitting his job is not an option. With me out of work, we are struggling financially to get by. His background is entirely in construction and he does not have a degree, but does have many years of community college working towards one - of course, in construction management. He complains of feeling trapped by my unemployment and trapped by his lack of education.
I try to put on a brave face for him, but honestly, I don't love our situation either. I'm home alone from 5 am until 7 pm or later with no one to talk to or spend time with, no job to fill my hours or my pocketbook. Planning the wedding was a huge time filler, but now that it is over, I'm feeling restless and frustrated.
This has hit us really hard, during what I thought would be a fun holiday time, jsut being married and enjoying each other's company. We expected to be trying for a baby, now we are just trying to pay our mortgage.
I can't listen to the complaining anymore. I've calmly asked him to speak with a therapist (he went twice and both times had rave reviews, but makes no effort to go again) and explained that I can't carry the weight of everything on my shoulders. I feel his sadness bearing down on both of us and while it breaks my heart for him, I also feel like he does NOTHING to change his circumstances or mindset - a frustrating concept for a person like me who tries not to dwell on the negative.
Bees... what on earth can I do?
Oh girl I feel for you! I don't really know what you can do though. Is it possible that there might be greener pastures somewhere else where you can find a job and he can find something better? That's the reason my husband and I moved across the country last year. I know it's hard moving when you have a house but sometimes it's a must for your career. I wish I had some better advice for you!
@MissAsB: Relocating for any reason is one of the things we agreed on 'not' doing. Neither of us desire to leave our friends and family behind.
That being said, I have really broadened my options and tried to find something different. I looked into going back to school for a trade (the idea was shot down due to finances). I have applied numerous places. I wouldn't feel so frustrated if he didn't constantly complain about our circumstances, but I feel like the only dinner topic is him hating life.
Yeah it's sort of a Catch-22 that you need education to get a different job but you need a job to get education.
Maybe just start researching some options. This happened to DH when we first moved. He had a job he hated so much he thought about going to counseling! (I know this is not an aopton for you right now:) But I actually let him quit. Yup. It was horrible! For two months he was out of work. We basically lived off my small student loan. Something did eventually work out for him, but we sat down and figured out a new plan together. He decided he wanted to go back to school. So, he now works 40 hours a week and is in school full time. I can't say it has gotten any easier, but we have barely survived. The important thing is that we have survived. He is now almost done, and currently works a job he hates, but nothing like when he was a janitor at the pig factory :( -some level of hate is normal, right? But he no longer is to the point where he was with that other job.
As far as coping goes, I don't know what to tell you. That is really hard. You can let someone be in a bad mood, but it is difficult to deal with it all of the time. I wish you the best and I hope you can find a way to survive.
You can be supportive, that's all. I was in this situation last year--i hated my job. hated it. research was the biggest thorn in my side. my husband was unemployed and my salary paid the mortgage, the bills, put food on the table--and his unemployment made it so i had to push back going to school. He kept giving me options and entertaining my ideas to do something different and was at least realistic and feasible about it. at some point, i just realized that i had to DO something about it and stop bitching and moaning. That if i wasn't a catalyst in my own life, i had no reason to complain about change not finding me. I enrolled in classes. I took them--i hated my job still, but i was at least hopefully with the fact that i was moving towards something. I was carrying all the financial burden and I loathed it. I could put nothing in savings. I expected DH to be looking for a job all day, 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week...that became his job. I let him know that, too--maybe a little bitchy, but whatever. Then a light went on in my head when I realized Dh wasn't going to be magically employed as soon as we thought. So I started looking for a new job at my company the very next day and set up mentoring meetings with management. Within a month or two I was in a totally new spot and things are incredibly different. Change is good. But had I expected it to find me and fall into my lap, it never would have happened. Ever.
I guess what i'm saying is encourage your husband to DO something. He's depressed, upset, wants some pity, blah blah blah--but he needs to DO something. Change will not find him. Even if he quit his job--what can he do? he has no college degree--he'll be in the same situation soon enough. Encourage him to better himself somehow. Next time he complains, talk about what would FIX the situation. At some point i hit a wall with my husband and told him he better go take a damn job. And he did. At Target. It wasn't what he wanted and it was far below what he was worth, but it was something. Even if it's not in real estate, i encourage you to take anything you can get your hands on. it'll be a huge relief to your husband.
I guess in short i'd call him out on his all talk no action. seriously--i know it's a hard situation but you can't just wallow in it 24/7. At some point you say "eff this, i'm doing something about it". Even if its' just setting up a plan for what to do soon, or figuring out what he wants to go to school for or what he wants to do. In the meantime, at the very least, he can start searching for other jobs. Ask him what would make him happy. Find out the core of that, then set up a plan to achieve it.
I actually have a degree myself. He doesn't want to pay for me to go back to school for another career - basically, use the degree you have... which okay, I get it.
Aside from the job issue, I really feel like this is a HIM issue. Maybe this sounds harsh, but the same complaints he had about his job 4 years ago are the same ones he has now - expect NOW he makes more money, has more vacation and longer tenure. If he leaves, we lose our heath coverage, our stock investment, everything he has worked for up to this point - just to go to the bottom of the ladder at another company in the middle of what has been the hardest year we have had financially.
So I guess there are two issues - his (and my) attitudes and the job/income situation.
@ejs4y8: Thanks for the honest feedback. That is my chief issue with him right now. I've been saying DO SOMETHING for over a year. When I actually had a job, I encouraged him to go back to school, to look into doing something new, etc. He never took any of it seriously enough to make a change - then, I lost my job and it no longer became an option.
You don't necessarily have to answer this, but you made the comment that I should find something, anything, to work and to contribute. I'm going to assume that the amount of money your hubby was making on unemployment insurance was less than what he makes at Target? That isn't the case for me. We both made great money and were very 50/50 financially - which also means that my UI checks are the state maximum per week. It's not nearly what I used to make, but its far more than I could make at 90% of the jobs out there. From my perspective, it seems silly to take a job that would pay me less than my unemployment does and would be taxed at a higher rate than my current checks.
My husband didn't get unemployment so he had NO money in, so $10 an hour was better than squat! But yeah, i forget people actually get unemployment sometimes! How ex military personnel don't will always baffle me =\ In that case, unemployment is definitely worth having over a crap paying job--maybe you can tweak your resume so it appeals to other fields that may actually pay more?
I hate to say it, but maybe your husband is just...well, lazy and unmotivated for now. The depression could be doing that for sure. If you've basically kicked him in the ass and told him to do something or stop bitching and he STILL does nothing--maybe he never will and that scares me. I don't know. I know i'm projecting but i used to date a guy who was perfectly content to bitch and moan and whine but never entertained any notion of doing something cuz "it's too hard". Maybe you should just confront him and not let him squeak by without seriously tending to the topic? Man, i don't know.
But in the end, he has to not be selfish and realize he HAS to work to take care of you guys...i know that was kinda the biggest thing in my head at the time. I kept telling myself "take care of us now and he'll take care of us later".
Anyways, it's a really shitty situation to be in. I hope it doesn't last long for you guys!
Oo what about career counseling? to help him figure out what else is out there? Maybe it's just daunting...
Ah, no UI means making nothing WAS a big deal. I make well over that level of cash from my unemployment. In fact, that is part of the reason I can't find a job - I'm not willing to take pay that drops us below what I currently make.
Change and conflict upset him. He doesn't face much head on, I'm usually the person who has to take the bull by the horns and get things going for us. I knew this going into our marriage, we have been together for 4.5 years so nothing surprised me.
I definitely feel like he needs to step up and take on the mindset of "suck it up, make it work for now." His job is far from cake - it's very difficult and stressful. I also see that he doesn't do anything to fix his attitude, he never leaves work at work (meaning he emotionally brings it home with him every day) and just complains without solution.
The thing is, he ISN'T lazy. He works 12-14 hour days, works on weekends, and is always busting his butt because they are understaffed (which is a temporary situation, again economy driven.) This isn't typical for him to be this way which is why I've encouraged him to go to a counselor about things...
@cbee: Wow, that is scary. I can't imagine telling my hubby 'Sure, quit!' - we have way too much to lose. I think if we were in an apartment and were younger, I might feel differently. We bought a house three years ago and have been financially established until the recession.
Can you guys maybe find a hobby to do together that he can look forward to after work? Does he have a good buddy he could do a hobby with?
I'm sure he loves coming home and seeing you and I know you are stuck at home essentially waiting for him to get off of work. However, it might help him to "leave work at work" if he had a hobby or something to look forward to in the evenings/weekends.
@caszos: Solid advice. He has his own hobby and we have one together also. He does derive joy from that stuff, but what is so hard is him coming home every single night looking like he got hit by a bus, talking about his workday, not getting over it and doing it all over again the next day. I have just hit my limit on the topic. I'm tired of listening to him tell me how miserable he is but doing nothing for himself to fix it.
Sorry babe, i can see how change can be scary. But change can be so, so, so hopeful, too 
. Good luck--he does need to know how much HE is affecting YOU. To ignore that is to be selfish. I hope you can get it through his head
You said that you were against relocation, but if relocation means employment and a chance at getting out of a deep depression, i'm not sure why you wouldn't consider it - at least for a few years. It could be a real growing experience and adventure for the two of you. And what is life without some adventure?
@crayfish: To be fair, I haven't checked out employment in other areas. However, let me give a few reasons why that doesn't appear to be our best way out of this.
We own our home and love our city. We only moved here three years ago and feel as though we have finally established a sense of home and community. Pulling up those roots, no matter how shallow, would be a major effort and one that I wouldn't consider unless.. well, I don't think I would at this point.
In my personal line of work, relocating would also require becoming licensed to do real estate in another state before I even applied for positions and attempted a relocation. I would need to learn an entirely new set of laws and pass another exam. Doable? Yes. It's also expensive and time consuming, especially when it's only for the possibility of something working out.
In premarital counseling, we discussed moving. Both of us feel strongly that staying near our families is a top priority. We also agreed when we bought our house, that this city was where we wanted to live, to raise our kids and to begin our lives together.
I guess I'm confused as to why relocating would be the answer. since from what I know neither real estate or construction is a booming business anywhere right now...
caszoz 's advice IS good. It reminded me- because DH and I don't have a lot of time and I am not working- when he comes home it is often "Okay, THIS terrible thing happened to today, and we have to pay THIS bill, and I need you to do this," - we end up talking about stressful things because they need to be handled. After awhile, just seeing one another, when he would come home, it was like a "trigger." Because we were used to dealing with stressful issues together (since we HAD to deal with them), I felt stressed any time he came home. If you can find something to do together that makes you both feel a little more free, or where you can both be enjoying your time, not just dealing with problems, it will help.
I agree, I think you are going to have employment trouble even if you relocate but I wouldn't say its off the table. If your husband continues in this trend and is really depressed, it may be beneficial to get out of the area for a while.
Just curious, you say, I'm tired of listening to him tell me how miserable he is but doing nothing for himself to fix it.
What exactly are you expecting him to do in order to fix the situation? Do you want him to go to more therapy? Look for a new job? Depression is really tough and its not something he can just do XYZ and its fixed. I know you said you can't get a job, but what can YOU do to help in this situation? I know you said his job is the major cause of stress but what could you do to make it easier for him?
I don't really have an answer here either, but hopefully just trying to help you look at it from another perspective.
@ejs4y8: I"m ex military personel and I recieved unemployment :)
@christalynn11: I doubt that moving is the answer, we've moved to 3 different states looking for decent jobs and are heading to our 4th in several months. Work sucks. If it didn't, we wouldn't get paid for it. Anyway, I know the feeling,FI actually literally broke his back in his last job, he hated it and it was a really difficult period of our relationship. He still hasn't found a job he likes :/
I just don't totally get it, I guess. You want him to support you/ your life/ your family you have together right now, so you sort of have to deal with him being unhappy. Or, allow him to change careers- at whatever cost or hardship if the outcome is better. Or, find something where you make more so that he doesn't have to work a job he hates. I don't have all the answers but I know that for us, our long term happiness is N.1, and I also know that it doesn't come easy. It is constant give and take and sacrifice. I am also a fearless risk taker in order to move forward. What do you want him to do? Are you just looking for advice on coping with it?
I read/skimmed most the comments and think you got a lot of good perspectives. One thing that I think has not been mentioned is going to counseling with your husband. Even if it is his issue, he may be more willing to go if you are there and it can be beneficial for both of you since the situation is obviously impacting both of you. Keep it his option to go alone if that's what he feels he needs, but be willing to go with and participate in the conversation.
So, I'm about to write a novel.
I was in your husband's position a few months ago. Each morning, I absolutely dreaded the moment when my alarm would rush me out of bed and jump start the beginning of another miserable 8+ hours. Don't get me wrong - I had fantastic coworkers, and my students were my heart. But the administration and abnormal level of stress associated with my job made me physically ill, each day, without fail. By the end of the day, I came home looking and feeling like a wet, torn rag. I'm not going to sugarcoat the experience; the way I felt definitely had profound effects on my personal relationships, especially the most important one of all - the one that waited for me at home. I had trouble putting on a happy face, even when my SO would do his very best to make me smile. I barely had enough energy to fix dinner, or converse with my SO, family, and friends. My hobbies and interests began to fall by the wayside.
I'm not sure there is a quick fix for your husband's work-related depression. I only say that because of my past experience. It's totally and completely hard for both parties to cope with a situation like this, so you have my sincere sympathies. Bless his heart, my SO tried so hard to make our evenings and weekends as reinforcing as possible. But, come Sunday night, I was already a blubbering mess about what awaited me the next morning. It's difficult because what you do for a living can define a large portion of who you are, and what you stand for. When you feel completely beaten down by something that consumes such a colossal portion of your time, it grows more and more difficult to stay positive, even on your days off.
And while I hate to be cynical, I'm not sure your husband's feelings about his job can or will get better. The company could improve policies, the staff situation could be resolved. But it's just as likely, if not more, that everything will remain the same. In my opinion, you should offer your support and suggest that he start looking for something else. Work together to network within your community for new job options in his field. Also, ask him if he has any desire to return to school. Once I finally worked up the courage and drive to quit my horrific job, I was absolutely elated. I ended up finding a new job I adore, which was a definitely plus. My relationships, my self esteem, my energy - my entire life changed for the better.
I understand the decision to stay near family. I also understand that the option of relocating isn't always a desirable one. In the meantime, is there any possibility you would consider a temporary job that isn't directly related to your field? Perhaps something laid-back and fun that could conpliment a hobbie or interest of yours?
Best of luck to you and your husband. I really, truly hope things improve.
I'm somewhat in your husband's position now, so I guess I can understand where he is coming from. I work in the corporate world, which I know is not for me but it's what pays the bills. I really hate doing something that has ZERO meaning to my life for 40+ hours a week, but I'm also going back to school part time to change that. Doesn't make the *present* any easier though, even if you know the future will hopefully change. And many of the posters are right, it has a profound impact on everything when what you do for a living does not make you happy. It's not a matter of just snapping out of it.
I can also imagine it is really hard to be the only one getting up every day to go to work. Even if you are looking for a job, I'll be honest and say I really don't understand the theory behind not taking a job that pays lower than UI. If you can get into an job you like that pays lower, but that offers long-term benefits and stability with a salary that is obviously going to increase, doesn't that make more sense for your future? And maybe it would make your hubby feel a bit better about working 12-14 hour days if he knew you were working too (but that's just speculation on my part)?
What's going on? I feel like I'm reading my opposite too. I am the miserable one at work (seriously want to get up and quit RIGHT THIS SECOND). And like you, OP, I thought this newlywed period would be without this stress :(
I, like some other PPs, want to offer you my version of your husband's perspective. I am currently in a job I HATE. I've hated it since I started a year and a half ago (it's my first job out of college and the only position I was offered out of over 100 applications post-college - I had to take something to have a paycheck). I dread getting up every morning and spending 9 hours miserably sitting in a cubicle bored out of my mind. And unfortunately I'm contracted into the job for another 6 months before I'd even be able to quit without buying out a large contract, not an expense DH and I can take on. I feel stuck and have felt stuck for over a year as I cannot currently change my job even if I wanted to.
DH on the other hand LOVES his job. It is so hard seeing the contrast in how we feel about the vast majority of our weeks and the hurt I feel about my situation drags into other areas of life. I've found that I get really irritable on Sunday nights as an unconscious reaction to the dread of having to start another work week all over again. I am brought to tears over my job almost weekly. I definitely feel like I'm in a minor depression too which doesn't make my outlook about the situation any easier.
DH initially was like you - always trying to tell me how I could "fix" things to make the 40 hours spent at work better (since changing jobs isn't an option). That wasn't helpful to me at all and made me feel like he just didn't understand my situation. I finally told him that I just needed him to be sympathetic and empathetic to my situation sometimes instead of just trying to "fix" it. DH now tells me that he's willing to move anywhere in the country and willing for me to take a pay cut if it means I'm able to be in a job that brings me joy (once I'm able to leave this one in 6 months). His supportive attitude and willingness to make sacrafices and big changes so that I can have a job I enjoy means so much to me and really helps my outlook on what's left of my situation.
I feel for both of you- and I agree it doesn't make any sense to take a job just for the sake of having a job if it will pay less than your unemployment, especially if you have to pay for gas, or buy new work clothes. Plus, working all day will give you less time to search for career jobs, and also will make you less available if you need to interview for or accept a job that needs you to start right away.
That being said, the position your husband is in is absolutely horrible. There's nothing worse than being miserable at a job and knowing that not only is quitting not an option, but there is no light at the end of the tunnel, when you know things will get better. I'm sure he's completely depressed, I certainly would be. Unfortunately, his position is something that's shared by millions of people- there is no law that you have to like your job, and plenty of people hate theirs but continue to do it every day because they have to. Doesn't make it any easier though.
I can't really offer any advice though, because there is no easy solution. You just have to keep smiling and keep a positive attitude (something that I know is hard, being around someone who is so unhappy when you can't help him is completely draining), and just try your best to make home a happy place for him right now. Keep applying for jobs at your level. Keep him informed of any additional steps you are taking to procure employment, or make new contacts, let him know you are trying everything possible to change the situation.
Have you ever read Bitter is the New Black, by Jen Lancaster? She's a pretty famous author now, but she got her rise to fame by chronicling her frustrations with being unemployed via her blog, and her first book is about her struggles (she and her husband were both laid off and didn't find work until after the unemployment checks had run out). The book is funny and reading it cheered me up during a pretty dark time.
Anyways, I hope things get better for you.
Sorry I didn't read all the comments so this might have been said, and you might not want to hear this, but... do you think the pressure of supporting you is getting to him? Granted, I'm sure he hates his job. But knowing that he's STUCK there because he has to work to support you might be taking a toll.
Are you trying to get a job? I think if you were able to get any job that would contribute financially it might take the stress off of him. And then maybe he'd feel comfortable looking for a new job. Believe me I know how hard the economy is, and I'm sure you are trying hard to get a job, but you might want to just take what you can get at this point to bring in the money. And even if you are way overqualified for it - at least its a job. And it's ALWAYS easier to find a job when you are already employed, then trying to get a job when you're unemployed.
Best of luck to you guys.
Okay I read through the comments and see what you posted about collecting unemployment, so I understand it doesn't make sense to take just any job out there. You need a job that pays well, I get it. But I think you do need to consider the financial stress your hubby is under bc you aren't making what you used to make. And unemployment doesn't last forever.
But other than that - I feel for your hubby, and I feel for you. It's hard to feel that you can't do anything to make him feel better. And you're probably tired of hearing him complain. All you can is be there for him. Just listen, let him unload. Maybe give him 10 minutes when he comes home to unload, vent, etc. And then say "okay no more work talk" and do something fun. Play Wii, or Uno. Cook dinner together. Look at your wedding photos :-) Go out for ice crea,. But just do something to cheer both of you up so your not being dragged down by sad talk.
I realize you can't take just any job while you're receiving unemployment because it doesn't make sense to take something that pays less than unemployment. That being said, unemployment isn't forever and it does run out. So you should be prepared for that reality.
Your husband sounds miserable. Have you asked him what you can do to help him? Maybe you could be searching for a new job for him while you're looking for yourself. Or maybe you could offer suggestions on how he could make his job more bareable. Could he switch to a different job or department at his company?
He needs to see a light at the end of the tunnel. From personal experiece, when you hate your job, but can't walk away, you need to see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. Help FI find some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. Once you are working again, could you afford for him to go to school full or part time? Is there something else that would make his situation more bareable?
I also agree that unemployment doesn't last forever. If you were to accept a new position that paid lower than your previous position, then you could possibly get heath insurance, benefits, etc. This is stuff that you currently rely on your DH for. Plus, that's what promotions and raises are for - you can build that inital salary. Aren't you bored? I would be going insane. I was unemployed once for a month and couldn't wait to get out of the house again.
He sounds really depressed and I don't know if anything will change unless he leaves that job to find something else. But, he won't do that with you being unemployed.
There's no easy answer or solution to this, unfortunately. All you can do is continue to be supportive (and keep your eyes open for new job opportunities).
Aside from that, there is so much more behind each situation, each relationship that doesn't get properly shown on a post. This is also a highly personal issue, so if I were to sit here and explain everything, it would be way more than I care to share with everyone. I'm sorry if that means I look like a bad guy here, but I won't explain my entire life in order to defend myself (and none of you really want to read it, trust me!)
Relocation is 100% out of the question. There are a million reasons WHY we won't move, I've named some of them, others I don't care to share. That is and WAS a mutual decision we made long ago and revisited in counseling. It's not an option for our lives.
I've researched colleges and given him all the information. I helped him re-write his resume and send it out to other companies. I've stood by him when he tried (unsuccessfully and very haphazardly) to start his own business. I've looked for jobs and sent him the listings (while I've looked for jobs for myself and while we were both gainfully employed.) He is mere credits away from a degree, but he won't go back - He'd say now it's because he is emotionally drained, but I also watched him put it off and make it a very low priority when he was perfectly capable of doing it. That is the reason I said that I am tired of listening to him - it's because this isn't anything new, this is a long term issue that he refuses to do anything to fix, work on, or change his attitude about.
I've listened, I've consoled. I get up every single Friday and Monday morning with him, at 5 am - I make his favorite breakfast, get his coffee, and send him out the door with a packed lunch and a smile.
It's been pointed out that by not working at all, I'm making it harder/more stressful because while he works long hours, I'm at home. I get why that might be the case, but I have to say it's a very lose-lose sitation there. I can get low paying work for the purpose of - I don't know, putting on business clothes and going somewhere? but I won't make enough money for it to matter. I'd be miserable, he would be miserable, and it wouldn't do anything to help our situation for the positive. That's LOSE in my book.
I can not work, bring in income, and continue looking for the right fit for a job, one that WILL eventually allow HIM to leave and find something new. Going to work for pennies does nothing to fix the long term issue that he is now the breadwinner, and we can't afford for him to make a change. It sounds to me like by doing that, I'm losing again based on the feedback I'm getting here.
I can't win either way?
Maybe reading this, you guys think I sit around not looking for work, waiting for something to happen or fall in my lap, eating bons bons and watching TV all day. That is not the case. I've become a 50's housewife, I do ALL the housework (we used to share that duty), all the laundry, I make dinner every night, I do all the shopping, all the baking, all the everything that has to be done around here so that he has NO WORRIES at home.
All I can say is that while YES, unemployment doesn't last forever, I AM looking for solid, good paying work. I AM willing to take a pay cut in order to get a job in my field or any other field that would offer me solid benefits and security. That job (so far) doesn't exist - and when I say that, please know that I lost the first job (which I had been at 5 years and had awesome benefits and salary) in Oct 2008, I didn't find work again until July 2009, lost THAT job in June 2010 and have been trying ever since to get back into the workforce - I'm not sitting around doing NOTHING and unwilling to take what is offered to me. I'm simply not getting offers. The two companies that have expressed interest have told me I'm a) overqualified for the job/work and b) I applied for one job and found out at the interview, that job had been filled and they were trying to hire me for a job that made minimum wage. Bait and switch, much? Again, not trying to sound snotty here, but I made as much as my husband, have a degree, had years of experience and made GREAT money for our area. We bought our home right before the bottom fell out of the market and purchased it based on our then-incomes, which are now much, much less. If we are struggling financially right now (but making it), why would I add to that burden by bringing in LESS income?
I wrote here because I needed advice on how to cope, personally. I needed empathy from someone else because I am already giving EVERYTHING I HAVE emotionally to my husband, in order to support this very issue. I know some of you replied in an effort to help me see HIS perspective. I'm MARRIED to the guy, I've lived with him for years, believe me, I already do (at least as much as a person can when they are not in the situation themselves). I'm certain I said this before, but this isn't a new issue with us, this has been going on way before I was laid off - he hasn't liked this job and has considered leaving for the past 3 years. Then, things would get better and he'd be happy again and decide leaving wasn't the answer. Back and forth, every year, every quarter. The indecision is maddening - and the fact that he waited until the bitter end to WANT to leave? Right after we get married, when I'm unemployed? Frustrating.
@christalynn11: Hey, I hear you and I'm not judging you. I was in your exact position, and pretty much told my FI he needs to suck it up and just keep looking while he still works. We sat down and came up with a "few year plan" to give us something to work towards. And I make sure to let him get some gym time and video game time in to keep his head out of work. I have a tough love approach I guess.
@Belle2Be: Now THAT is the kind of feedback that helps! I also think coming up with a 'five year plan' would be great. He is literal to a fault and must see things written on paper to fully understand them. Maybe it's hard to think about how we are going to get to a better place because he doesn't feel like we are working towards something... Thanks!
I'd love for him to work out (because he really does benefit from the activity) but I don't blame him for not having the energy at the moment, given his long days. He goes bowling with the guys once a week (which he loves!) and we spend a lot of time with friends and family. He only seems to drop into this crazy-sad depression when he comes home at night on the weekdays and on Sunday nights, when his brain starts spinning while he thinks of the week ahead.
@caszos: I absolutely understand that if he is depressed, truly medically depressed, he cannot simply snap out of it. What is frustrating in that regard is the we have the ability to get him some help, but he will not follow through, he won't make his own appointments, and when he goes he only seems to complain about his job as opposed to how he feels (from the feedback I hear, obviously I'm not there.) I want him to feel better, he wants to feel better, but I can't fix this for him. He needs to make the effort. I found him a few options for therapy and booked his first appoint - he went and loved it, but hasn't been back but for once.
Also, my dad used to be in a position that REALLY sucked, like, he's get spit on and crap :/ and he'd usually take about an hour after work every day to do his own thing, shower, read whatever, before he'd come out and join the family. He needed that to get out of his work mindset, maybe something similar would help you FI?
@Belle2Be: When he comes home, he actually seems to WANT to be with me. In many ways, sitting down to dinner and talking with me are his stress relivers. He is open to going to do something else to wind down though.
I will say one of the blessings about the situation is that he seems to actually be MORE in love with me since we became engaged (maybe just more open about saying it) and more interested in spending what little time we have free together, doing something with me. :)
I definitely feel a little bit judged in this thread (mostly I feel like I wasn't listened to?) but it occurred to me that I should be more grateful. I love the 'Bee and everyone here, you are all so willing to give advice and reply - I DO really appreciate it. I'm sure people answer threads with the best of intentions, so I apologize if I am ultra-defensive on this subject :(
I had to laugh because I thought to myself, here I am feeling all hurt - but I can inly imagine the reaction I would have gotten over on The Nest LOL
Doesn't your unemployment office offer job training for help in becoming employed? Even with your degree, if nothing is available in your field, is there something else you'd be willing to learn? When I was facing quitting work due to disability, our State office told me to figure out if there was something else I'd always wanted to do...and the State would pay for my schooling and training to become re-educated in another field. It obviously isn't that cut and dry, but have they offered you any leads or assistance in any way?
My daughter's IL's have just returned from living in Australia for the past six years, and now that they're back find themselves scrambling to find jobs. He's taking an all day Saturday class through unemployment to increase his computer knowledge so he'll be able to find something where right now he isn't fully qualified. It's even harder when you're in your late fifties, and he's been looking for 7 months now.
It really is a miserable feeling to be stuck in any job, but sometimes survival has to be the priority and you have to suck it up. My husband is just plain tired of working and wants to retire in 2 years, and we have no plan in place for that to happen so soon. I'm caught up in the worrying about it all, but I know the pressure he feels to keep us going, as I can no longer work. Our income has been cut in half for the past 3 years, so I know what it's like.
I sincerely wish you both the best, and hope you'll soon have some good news to report!
@christalynn11: I am really sorry that you are in such a frustrating position right now. I think everyone here is trying to give the best support and advice that they can with the limited information they have.
I wrote here because I needed advice on how to cope, personally.
I think this may be a situation where counseling could be helpful. It sounds like there is a lot of built up issues with you and your husband that could be vented out. Have you ever tried journaling? Sometimes if you write down an issue or frustration it can help get it off your chest. If later that evening/week/whatever you are still frustrated/upset then talk to your husband about it. I know this has really helped me get over some of the little stuff.
Best wishes, its a really tough time for you guys !
Sorry if you felt judge, to be honest - you didn't fully explain the situation in your first post so that's why some posters (myself included) were like: You need a job! Obviously now seeing your situation it's a little different.
Clearly your in a rough patch and there aren't many options available to you. If he won't go to counseling on his own - will he go with you? What if you make an appt and explain that it's something you want to do together so you can help him (and obviously he can get the help he needs - but he doesn't need to hear that).
And again about the job issue - I understand you need a job that'll pay you more than unemployement does. That makes sense. If you can find a job that'll pay you what you make on unemployement (even if it isn't perfect) I'd recommend taking it just because it is SO SO SO much easier to find a better job once you have a job (any job!). Instead of looking for a job as someone who's been unemployed for 6 months. I know it's not fair, it's just the way it is.
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