(Closed) Happily Married but Unhappily Employed – How to cope?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh girl I feel for you!  I don’t really know what you can do though.  Is it possible that there might be greener pastures somewhere else where you can find a job and he can find something better?  That’s the reason my husband and I moved across the country last year.  I know it’s hard moving when you have a house but sometimes it’s a must for your career.  I wish I had some better advice for you!

Post # 5
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yeah it’s sort of a Catch-22 that you need education to get a different job but you need a job to get education.

Post # 6
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Maybe just start researching some options.  This happened to DH when we first moved.  He had a job he hated so much he thought about going to counseling!  (I know this is not an aopton for you right now:)  But I actually let him quit.  Yup.  It was horrible!  For two months he was out of work.  We basically lived off my small student loan.  Something did eventually work out for him, but we sat down and figured out a new plan together.  He decided he wanted to go back to school.  So, he now works 40 hours a week and is in school full time.  I can’t say it has gotten any easier, but we have barely survived.  The important thing is that we have survived.  He is now almost done, and currently works a job he hates, but nothing like when he was a janitor at the pig factory 🙁 -some level of hate is normal, right?  But he no longer is to the point where he was with that other job. 

As far as coping goes, I don’t know what to tell you.  That is really hard.  You can let someone be in a bad mood, but it is difficult to deal with it all of the time.  I wish you the best and I hope you can find a way to survive.

Post # 7
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You can be supportive, that’s all. I was in this situation last year–i hated my job. hated it. research was the biggest thorn in my side. my husband was unemployed and my salary paid the mortgage, the bills, put food on the table–and his unemployment made it so i had to push back going to school. He kept giving me options and entertaining my ideas to do something different and was at least realistic and feasible about it. at some point, i just realized that i had to DO something about it and stop bitching and moaning. That if i wasn’t a catalyst in my own life, i had no reason to complain about change not finding me. I enrolled in classes. I took them–i hated my job still, but i was at least hopefully with the fact that i was moving towards something. I was carrying all the financial burden and I loathed it. I could put nothing in savings. I expected DH to be looking for a job all day, 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week…that became his job. I let him know that, too–maybe a little bitchy, but whatever. Then a light went on in my head when I realized Dh wasn’t going to be magically employed as soon as we thought. So I started looking for a new job at my company the very next day and set up mentoring meetings with management. Within a month or two I was in a totally new spot and things are incredibly different. Change is good. But had I expected it to find me and fall into my lap, it never would have happened. Ever.

I guess what i’m saying is encourage your husband to DO something. He’s depressed, upset, wants some pity, blah blah blah–but he needs to DO something. Change will not find him. Even if he quit his job–what can he do? he has no college degree–he’ll be in the same situation soon enough. Encourage him to better himself somehow. Next time he complains, talk about what would FIX the situation. At some point i hit a wall with my husband and told him he better go take a damn job. And he did. At Target. It wasn’t what he wanted and it was far below what he was worth, but it was something. Even if it’s not in real estate, i encourage you to take anything you can get your hands on. it’ll be a huge relief to your husband.

I guess in short i’d call him out on his all talk no action. seriously–i know it’s a hard situation but you can’t just wallow in it 24/7. At some point you say “eff this, i’m doing something about it”. Even if its’ just setting up a plan for what to do soon, or figuring out what he wants to go to school for or what he wants to do. In the meantime, at the very least, he can start searching for other jobs. Ask him what would make him happy. Find out the core of that, then set up a plan to achieve it.

Post # 10
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

My husband didn’t get unemployment so he had NO money in, so $10 an hour was better than squat! But yeah, i forget people actually get unemployment sometimes! How ex military personnel don’t will always baffle me = In that case, unemployment is definitely worth having over a crap paying job–maybe you can tweak your resume so it appeals to other fields that may actually pay more? 

I hate to say it, but maybe your husband is just…well, lazy and unmotivated for now. The depression could be doing that for sure. If you’ve basically kicked him in the ass and told him to do something or stop bitching and he STILL does nothing–maybe he never will and that scares me. I don’t know. I know i’m projecting but i used to date a guy who was perfectly content to bitch and moan and whine but never entertained any notion of doing something cuz “it’s too hard”. Maybe you should just confront him and not let him squeak by without seriously tending to the topic? Man, i don’t know.

But in the end, he has to not be selfish and realize he HAS to work to take care of you guys…i know that was kinda the biggest thing in my head at the time. I kept telling myself “take care of us now and he’ll take care of us later”.

Anyways, it’s a really shitty situation to be in. I hope it doesn’t last long for you guys!

Oo what about career counseling? to help him figure out what else is out there? Maybe it’s just daunting…

Post # 13
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Can you guys maybe find a hobby to do together that he can look forward to after work?  Does he have a good buddy he could do a hobby with?  

I’m sure he loves coming home and seeing you and I know you are stuck at home essentially waiting for him to get off of work.  However, it might help him to “leave work at work” if he had a hobby or something to look forward to in the evenings/weekends.  

Post # 15
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

Wow, I feel like I’m reading my opposite. I’m PMing you.

Post # 16
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Sorry babe, i can see how change can be scary. But change can be so, so, so hopeful, too Undecided. Good luck–he does need to know how much HE is affecting YOU. To ignore that is to be selfish. I hope you can get it through his head

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