Post # 1
Love my fiance. He loves me. Have truly an incredible life together. No red flags to speak of – aside from his being messy or having a cat 😉 Since the very start of his courtship three years ago he made it clear that I’m the one. I never fully felt that “he’s the one” feeling but I’m head over heels and believed our shared values and strong love for each other was enough to say yes. Long story short: November of 2012-two weeks ago I’ve been on cloud nine, being a busy wedding planning bee and super excited for our wedding and the start of our lives together! Even friends and family said: they’ve never seen me so happy and I agreed. Two weeks ago, mom and dad join us to check out a few venues and I just wasn’t feeling any of them. I was also exhausted and in a terrible mood. Dad, unbeknownst to me, thought I was crying out for help and was brutally honest with how he thinks I’m utterly unhappy and should rethink everything. I vocally disagreed and expressed my happiness to dad, we understood, and moved on. Or at least I thought. What transpired since: I have been unable to plan anything, have no desire to, spoke with my fiancé (who has been amazing through it all) and we are postponing the wedding to next year, or till I straighten my head out. All of my initial doubts are resurfacing: is he the one, if I even have to ask is that telling me something, and if my gut is telling me no now, will it ever change? I know I need to talk with a counselor. I’ve spoken to friends and my mom – think it made it all worse as now even friends and Fam think I shouldn’t be marrying my fiancé. When I think of life w/o him I am so devastated. But I am the kind of person who strives for happiness and I know that if we parted ways I would be okay someday somehow. Is this normal – has anyone gone through this utter turmoil? Thanks in advance – apologize for the length and intensity of this post.
Post # 3
@FoodieBride14: I am sorry you are feeling this way. I cannot say I have been in your situation and unfortunately only you can make the judgment call on this relationship. Have you been in relationships prior to this one where you may have felt differently? Some people may never have that “this is the one!” moment, just like not everyone cries when they find “the one” wedding dress. I will say that I have never felt this way about my fiance, but I dated many guys before him to know that he is the man for me.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - Makena Cove
I think it’s a pretty normal feeling to have some feelings of doubt once the high of engagement dies down. I think it’s been a good think you’ve realized this and postponed the wedding for a year. Take some time and just be engaged. Live in the moment with your FI and stop voicing your doubts to your friends and family, they are less likely to jump back on the marriage bandwagon when you two get gung ho into planning again. Best of luck!
Post # 5
Thank you both for your warm and encouraging responses. Helps very much. I’ve dated a lot, never have I been with a man like this who is almost too good to be true. Yet I had the “he’s it” feeling 5 years ago with a complete idiot. Makes me really wonder if I can actually trust my gut since that relationship had it worked would have been so wrong for so many reasons. I like the idea of leaving friends/family out of this at this point and keeping it to myself/fiancé and possibly getting myself counseling. Thanks again.
Post # 6
I don’t hear any red flags here. Doubts are perfectly normal. And some people are more rational thinkers while others are more emotional. The fact that you say you’re happy and would be devastated if you split is good, even if you know that at some point you would heal and move on. Blinding, consuming passion is short lived and volatile. You need to be friends as well as romantically attached or it probably won’t last long. These are questions I asked myself that really helped me move past a lot of my doubts.
What specifically are you concerned about?
Are these your fears or someone else’s fears?
Do you mutually respect each other?
Do you trust your partner?
when you fight, do you fight productively awhile retaining respect?
Are you sexually attracted to your partner?
Do you agree on issues you consider important?
If you want kids, would he be a good dad?
Do you have good money spending/saving styles?
Do you have complimentary or similar love languages? (Saying I love you, doing their chores, buying gifts, doing thoughtful things, etc… these are all different styles)
Post # 7
If you are a logical person, it makes sense to realize life would go on without this person. Knowing that actually indicates a much healthier relationship than someone who literally cannot imagine life without them. I know if something happened to me and FH, I would cry for a long time, let myself have some rebounds and “me” time, but eventually someday get over it. It means that you have self-worth. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your FH or shouldn’t marry him.
Post # 8
Yikes – there are a ton of hormones involved that can cause you to feel all kinds of idiocy for “NOT THE ONE” including “the one” feelings – sweety choose with your heart and your brain. If its all one or the other something isn’t right.
Lol watch some Jane Austen – Sense and Sensibility (it’s my personal favorite)
Post # 9
@michiru4ever – thanks so much, that was such a good exercise to go through. I appreciate all of these responses – it makes going through this much easier. Thank you all. When it comes down to it, i cannot pinpoint anything that is wrong except for my not feeling 100% certain. Does anyone ever feel fully certain?? I just hate that I feel so unsure for such an amazing, amazing man – who is amazing for me. He deserves someone to know – someone who cannot wait to marry him. I feel sad that I cannot give him this (at least not right now). I pray to the skies that I don’t allow myself to live this life without him. But I simply will not get married if these feelings don’t change. Guess time will tell…
Post # 10
I think a counselor might be a good place to go and check. Some people don’t believe they deserve goodness for whatever reason. When they find themselves in a great relationship they’ll sabotage or run away because they don’t feel worthy.
However, sometimes, when your gut is saying this doesn’t feel right, it may be flagging something deep inside you just don’t want to see.
If I felt as though I could leave my fiancee and I would be okay down the road I would be second guessing a marriage too. Either you’re really resiliant or you know there’s something else out there that could be better.
Post # 11
I think questioning is normal and healthy. I have more moments of absolutely KNOWING he is the one. But I can get so mad and angry at him and have all sorts of questioning thoughts about things. In those moments I often think that it’s just the transition to being legally bound to someone who is wonderful but imperfect, it can be a bit stressful!
However, if I did not 99.9% of the time have the safe “he’s the one” feeling I have, I would definitely want to talk to a professional, there’s no way to describe how that feels but it’s important to feel so very right when marrying someone. A professional can help you get to the root of what may cause your concerns or lack of “the one” feeling. It’s so important to dig deep to analyze feelings. FI and I both have psych degrees so we always analyze our frustrations and search for the root… it’s very helpful.
Post # 12
@FoodieBride14: I am so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunatley marriage it a tricky thing.
It is almost a guarentee that you will get cold feet. And sometimes while 2 people are engaged that they realize that they are not meant to spend the rest of their lives together. And it can get tricky trying to distinguish between the two.
Now if you are doing any wedding planning in a bad mood then it is most likely that you are not going to like anything. I know I can’t do anything when I am in a bad mood because I just will automatically pick out all the negative about it and ignore all the positive. Now there is a good chance that your dad took it as that you are thinking that you shouldnt get married, when that probably wasn’t the case at all. And then your dad got you thinking in overdrive that maybe you really shouldn’t marry the guy. And then finally you talk to your friends about your possible doubts and they just naturally agree with you rather than try to make you think clearly. And what I mean by that for example, is when I am mad at my husband and I talk to my mom about it she will tell me what a jerk he can be and she would even find something about him that bugs her. And then I forgive my husband and my mom loves him so much again. So your friends just might be going with your mood.
What you need to do is get your dad and your friends thoughts out of your head because it is clouding your judgement. Think about the relationship that you have with your SO. Are you happy? Can you see yourself still happy and in love with him 10 or 20 years down the road? What are the traits that you want in your husband? Does he have those traits? If you answered yes to all these questions then you just have your typical cold feet and you don’t have anything to worry about.
Now try to imagine what life would be like for you if you left him. Don’t think about how he will feel, just think about you. Are you happy? Do you think that there is someone out there that is better for you? Would you regret leaving him? If you answered yes to the first two and no to the last one then you really shouldn’t be with your SO and it is time to move one.
Only you can decide what is best for you. Good luck and I hope this helps (HUGS)
Post # 13
I have zero advice, but I look forward to any further answers because I’m in the same boat!
Post # 14
I’ve decided to see a therapist and will be heading to my first appointment next week. I have moments when I cannot imagine anyone else raising children with me one day or moments where I can envision our lives in 10, 15, 30+ years. I think we would be just amazingly great.
It’s just that I sometimes wonder if I could be even happier – even though I am completely happy. But can I be even happier? Should I even need to ask this? My fiance said that if I thought I could be happier with someone else, I should tell him, and he would be sad, but glad that I can find the happiness I deserve. He also said that if he thought I could be happier, he would unwillingly have to let me go. Ugh… what more could I want. I just want to tell him that he is THE ONE and I know it! I want to shout to the rooftops that I have found THE MAN OF MY DREAMS – AND THAT I KNOW FOR SURE! I want to tell him that he brings me the joy and breathlessness I’ve always thought I’d feel at this time in my life.
When I break it down – he has every quality I would ever want in a man. He’s truly perfect for me. Why can’t I just want to want him more than anything I’ve ever wanted before? I am the kind of person who feels very deeply and loves deeply. I think I know in my soul that I can have a fiercer love, but I also know that’s not what it’s all about and I am not willing to sacrifice all of the things that make this relationship so amazing – the real love, the real communication, honesty, trust, humor, health, happiness. I feel that I would truly grow with this person and that our love can grow stronger, too.
But all this aside, I’m still so confused and sad. And he doesn’t deserve this – no one does. So I vow to figure this out soon and do what is right by both of us. I love reading these posts – it has been so comforting and helpful. Thank you all..
Post # 15
@FoodieBride14: I wouldn’t sacrifice what you have – It sounds like you might be looking for infatuation and that can disappear one day and then there is nothing left. Years ago, I was completely infatuated with someone, had decided he was the one and I was absolutely wrong. He ended up making my life miserable for years before we broke up but the first year was great.
Post # 16
@nycsa: Thanks for this note – this is super helpful and what I am trying to figure out. I was infatuated with someone years ago (and glad I didn’t move forward with that relationship). But I wish I had that feeling at some point in my three year relationship with my fiance. The reality is that THIS is where I would want to be (after the infatuation) – exactly where I am right now in my relationship. It’s content – it’s happy – it’s non-judgmental. I think I am just questioning why I never felt the initial obsession or “oof” feeling at all, and wishing I did, and now questioning if it’s okay that I didn’t.