Post # 1
My engagement has been broken off…
He is originally from Bosnia (moved here when he was 9 years old, so he grew up in the States) His parents do not approve of him marrying an American woman (they want him to marry a Bosnian, and even arranged a marriage for him, he says he cannot stand Bosnian women) he does not want to go through with the arranged marriage and lose me, but he does not want to lose his family either. But he is choosing his family…
I understand his point of view, and yes I am devastated, but I could never put that ultimatem on him, they did it to him, and I cannot ask him to lose his family for me.
Has anyone else ever been in this situation? How did it turn out? I am just wondering, I do not think he will change his mind, nor do I expect him to, however, I would like to know how this situation turned out for eveyone else…
Post # 3
i’m sorry to hear about your situation…
i’m useless at advice so all i can say is hang in there and this just leaves you open for someone else who may be better suited for you??
at any rate – im sorry about your situation and just believe that you will be ok after this!
Post # 4
What makes this so hard is the fact that he loves me, wants to marry me, but his family is putting an ultimatem on him (its either her or us) And that breaks my heart that they cannot let their son be happy and live a life that he chooses to. They won’t even give me a chance…all because I was not born in Bosnia…that’s it…thats the only reason…they want him to marry someone from Bosnia, doesn’t matter about anything else…
He and I are perfectly suited for one another (and I am not just saying this because I am looking through rose-colored glasses, trust me, those came off a long time ago and are probably broken and buried 6 feet under by now)
But we are perfectly suited, I have never felt this way about anyone before and he has affected me in ways no one ever has (and in good ways I may add) he is the most loving, caring, attentive man I have ever met in my life, that is why this choice is so hard on him because he treasures his family and he also loves me, and he cannot make both of us happy, because his family will not allow it…
It is just so frustrating that his family cannot get past the fact that I was not born in Bosnia, that hurts, they will not even TRY to get to know me, they do not care if their son is happy, they want him to be miserable for the rest of his life, they don’t care as long as he does what they want him to do…
Sorry to rant like this, I just have so many emotions going through me at once that I do not know which way is up at the moment…
Post # 5
I am so sorry. I am sure that his family has their reasons; it is a common belief that people with more in common culturally have a better success rate with marriage, although I think that has been disproven in many, many cases. Also, it seems (from your earlier posts) as if they don’t want him to live so very far away from them.
And while I know this is very hard, you should think about one thing… the choice to marry has to be an agreement to choose your spouse above all others. Hopefully the idea of having to choose between your spouse and your parents never comes up. But the two of you have to support each other, even against your immediate family. In my case, this comes up because my FI’s sister doesn’t think he should marry me, and showed it by being pretty unpleasant to me. He had to tell her that if she couldn’t treat me with respect and courtesy, she was no longer welcome to visit – and he told his mom as well that if his sister couldn’t act reasonably, we (and his kids) would only visit her when the sister was not going to be there (so – no more family holidays until sis behaves, or mom also tells sis to stay away. And his kids are the only grandkids…) I know that was really hard for my FI. His mom cried.
It takes a serious level of maturity and commitment to stand up to your family as an adult – and to relate to them adult-to-adult, rather than as a child. I am sure that your former FI is a great guy, but if he isn’t mature enough and/or committed enough to your relationship to stand up to his family, he isn’t ready to be married. It is too bad that his family is so controlling, but it is also too bad that he plays into their hands by allowing himself to be manipulated by them. And really, you deserve better than that. You deserve someone who will choose you above all others, and for whom being with you will be more important than not rocking the boat with his family (because likely that’s all it would be – some serious but short-term unpleasantness – and once they saw that he was serious and they couldn’t manipulate him they would come arouns). And you will definately find a man who loves you enough to stand up to his mother, his brothers, his evil sister… and stand beside you like an adult.
Post # 6
Thats the thing…he HAS stood up to them, but they have told him that if he comes back and marries me then they will disown him, that he will no longer be their son (and trust me when I say this, they mean it) Above all else, that is his family, and even if he were to marry me and defy them, he would hate the fact that he no longer had his family, parents, brothers, nieces and nephews. He loves his family, and that was one of the things that attracted me to him, and also made me realize he would make a wonderful father…
Like I said, he has stood up to them, and has told them like it is, but they are using his kind heart and his love for him against him…I agree he is being manipulated, but they will hold true to their threats…
Post # 7
I’m so sorry that really sucks- but it happens in my culture too- parents feel really strongly – really strongly! about their kids marrying within the culture and/or arranging marriages
I wish your sake that your former FI would have told his parents before he anticipated proposing to save you a lot of pain.
My experience with these things is that parents get their way every time unless the guy/girl really puts their foot down and cus off family – It seems like this is not your case. . .
Again, I’m sorry
Post # 8
Ummmm, well. Standing up to your parents is not just telling them what you want to do – it is also following through with it. If your former FI was really willing to "stand up" to his parents he would get on a plane and come back. It’s pretty easy for parents to threaten you if they are sure you will cave and do what they want.
I left home at 17 and hardly spoke to them for almost seven years – because they couldn’t respect my right to make my own choices as an adult. We now have a great relationship; I live right around the corner from them. My mom is a really good friend; FI and I go bicycling and to hockey games with my dad. My sister has a very different relationship with them – at 33, they still treat her very much like a child, and spend endless amounts of energy telling her how to conduct her life and criticizing her choices. If I had never stood up to them, by which I mean not just telling them what I meant to do but showing them that I would follow through regardless, I know we would not have the relationship of mutual respect that we have today. Loving and respecting your parents does not mean allowing them to make your choices for you.
I know that this is really hard for you. But you will be better off with a man whose parents can lovingly accept you, or a man who is not quite so much tied to his mother’s apron strings, or (best of all worlds) both.
Post # 9
Me too, I hope your pain will get easier to deal with over time, perhaps they’ll come around when they see their son miserable without you… My parents too were impossible when it came to who i dated, first guy I went out with was Filipino and they were totally against that! Eventually though, I picked them over him, i couldn’t bear the thought of them being unhappy. Years passed and I refused to date anyone, period…for a long period of time! My parents got worried and more than wanting for me to find a Vietnamese guy, they didn’t want me to live alone for the rest of my life, cuz it looked like I was going at this my way or no way.
When I met my current fiance who happens to be Mexican and fell for him, they weren’t all too happy at first, but they came around and gave me their blessing and abandoning their plans for me. We went through a lot of trials and tribulations to get to where we are now, but parents do change, your former fiance needs to try harder to show them how he feels about you. What changed my parents was getting them to realize that they’re not going to forever be by my side to protect me, make me happy and tell me who i can be with and not.
I hate to say this, but there’s not much you can do in this situation. It will only make it more difficult for your guy. Sometimes to love someone is to set him/her free and hope for the best. Good luck and I hope they have a change of heart!
Post # 10
My friend is Indian and dating a guy her dad does not approve of (the guy is Indian, but does not meet her dad’s standard for her). They have been together for 2 1/2 years. Any time my friend tries to talk to her dad about her boyfriend, he refuses to discuss it. He has gone over a month not talking to her at all because of it. She loves her boyfriend and they want to get married, but I think in the end, if she cannot win her dad over, she will end up breaking up with her boyfriend. Basically, she is taking it step by step and working on slowly winning her dad over – she thinks her mom may be okay if she can convince her dad. She won’t get engaged until he at least agrees not to disown her -and she is hoping her boyfriend will stay around in the mean time.
Maybe when your ex-fiance’s parents see how upset he is without you, they will slowly change their minds, but I wouldn’t count on it. Sorry.
Post # 11
Oh I agree…they will not change their minds…i know this…it is up to my ex (God, it hurts to call him that), to decide which he would rather do…and i understand why he chose his family. It is not because he is a child, or cannot make his own choices…it is because that is his FAMILY!!! I hate it when people bash my ex because he did not chose me…this was hard enough on him as it was…and he did not choose his family because he is still attached to his mothers apron…that is his blood, and his family means the world to him…and he did not do this because he did not love me enough…and his father is so heartless, they do not care if he is miserable, they only want him to do what they want him to do…and i hate them for that…and yes, i know that is a strong word, but they put him in this situation…and they are going to win…to the heartbreak of both me and him…
I know there is nothing I can do in this situation, i was just wondering how other situations similar to this one turned out… thanks!! sorry if i seem a bit cross, this just happened today and i am still very emotional…
Post # 12
I’m so sorry to hear about this. My feelings echo Suzanno’s. I feel that he is choosing his family’s love over yours (even though it was a very painful decision). If he chooses you, his family will disown him. At least he can still choose to love them despite the pain they are causing him. But by not choosing you, he’s letting you go. My heart aches for you and your ex. You are both suffering.
Post # 13
I can tell that you love him very much, and that you are really upset. I am also sure that his parents aren’t trying to control his choices because they want him to be miserable – they are doing it because they think they know what is best for him, and what will make him happiest in the long run.
It takes a lot of strength to not only tell but show your parents that they cannot make your decisions for you. But, as lanny also knows (and as I know too) threats made in anger as an effort to control your kids are often not the final word. It is possible live your own life, even one not in accord with your parents wishes, and to eventually have a much less disfunctional relationship with them as a result of all that pain. And I do think that to have a really good relationship with your parents, they have to acknowledge that you are an adult and have the right to make your own decisions, whether they agree with them or not.
What I don’t think is possible is for you to have much influence here. It is ultimately your ex-FI’s decision, and it sounds as though he has made it. Maybe he will rethink things – maybe he will figure out that he loves and misses you, and that the relationship the two of you had is worth going through some pain where his family is concerned. Maybe not. Either way, I know we all feel for you and wish you the best.
Post # 14
I talked to him today, and he is positive that his parents will not change their views and WILL disown him if he marries me…i DO NOT blame him in this at all…no matter how awful they might be, that is still his family and I cannot ask him to give them up for me…I saw my own family torn apart by my Uncle’s wife…except we all embraced her and loved her, but she was two-faced and a compulsive liar…she decided she wanted him and their children for herself and it tore my grandparents and mother apart…i cannot become her…so unless I get some kind of miracle, I have lost him forever, even though he loves me…
I can’t stand to even take my ring off…to me that would make it final…but I can’t stand to look at it either…and yes I know I need to move on and heal…but this is all so fresh…its tearing me apart…
I wish there was something I could do…something to maybe change their minds…a compromise…just so we can all be happy and live our lives the way we want to…
He wants me to talk to one of his brothers…see if one of his family members actually talking to me and sensing the kind of person I am may help to influence his parents…we’re not sure if it will work…and he is meeting his arranged wife of Saturday…
This is more than I can take…why can’t they just let their son be happy without threatening him? All because my background is not from Bosnia… I would go back in time and change that if I could…I wouldn’t give up my family, I love them dearly, but if we call could have been from there…but I can’t change that…oh god, this hurts so badly…
Post # 15
I really wish I had more I could do then just say that I am really sorry!
I really am so sorry to hear about this. Hang in there hun