- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2009
(Apologies up front for the length of this, but I need to vent.)
I had an out-of-town bachelorette party was last weekend and I’m having some mixed emotions, specifically in regards to my MOH. It’s hard for me to completely grasp what I’m feeling because she’s a close friend and I feel guilty for being down on her, but at the same time I saw some behavior from her that’s making me question things.
My bachelorette was attended by MOH and another mutual friend of ours who lives in our city (DC), two other friends who live in the city where the party was (NYC), and one other BM who flew in from California. MOH is close friends with our mutual hometown friend, but is more of a casual acquaintance with the others (though she has been around them several times before).
It seemed to start from the time we got there. On Friday, one of my NYC friends hosted us for dinner and cocktails. Apparently she had sent an e-mail beforehand that she was making sausage, white bean and kale soup. I didn’t see the e-mail until after the weekend was over, but I know MOH saw it before we left. MOH is a vegetarian, but didn’t say anything to NYC friend about it (even though she saw the e-mail). So she didn’t eat. I offered a couple of times to go with her to find some food – mind you, this is in NYC and there were about 20 different restaurants in a two-block radius, including two (with veg options) literally downstairs from NYC friend’s apartment – but she said no. Then the next day she made something of a fuss about how she “hadn’t eaten at all yesterday.”
Later, I asked MOH why she didn’t say anything to NYC friend about not eating meat, and she had some odd excuse about “it seemed like a done deal” or something like that. (The e-mail about it came around noon; we didn’t eat dinner until almost 9, so there was plenty of time). I think she knew it sounded weak, but I wasn’t going to press her about it. NYC friend, meanwhile, couldn’t understand why MOH hadn’t said anything because she happily would’ve made something suitable for her to eat.
After dinner, we decided to go out for a glass of wine before bed. This, too, seemed to upset MOH because it wasn’t “part of the plan” – though from what I understood, there wasn’t much “plan” that night. To be honest, if she didn’t want to go, I would not have been offended in the least if she just headed back to our hotel – I understand that not everyone always feels like going out.
The next day, it was still somewhat tense and she still didn’t much seem to want to be there. My NYC friends found a reasonably priced sushi place – another culinary choice that MOH wasn’t happy about, despite the fact that there were plenty of veg options on the menu (I counted seven different vegetarian rolls), and also that everyone else wanted to go there. She acted rather, ahem, mean toward the waitress.
It only got worse from there. Of course, we were all drinking, so I’m not sure if that helped the situation. She made a number of complaints to me over the course of the evening, everything from the fact that she was unhappy because mutual hometown friend was talking to a guy (for maybe 10-15 minutes, not the entire night), to her insinuating that NYC friends/California friend were being exclusionary (they weren’t). I was having a good time overall but her attitude was making me feel bad.
The next day, I overheard her complaining to mutual hometown friend about “how much (she’s) spent on the wedding,” meaning mine. That really hurt me. Through this whole process, I’ve made it clear to everyone that I understand these events can be expensive and I didn’t want anyone spending excessively. I told them to wear black cocktail dresses in the wedding so they could wear what they had (or buy something they will wear again) instead of buying an expensive BM dress. I was treated to a lot during the bachelorette weekend, but I offered on many occasions to pay my own way. MOH also threw us an engagement party, but she was the one who brought it up and offered – I never even thought about us having one. Now I feel guilty that she hosted it for us if she didn’t want to spend the money for it. I wish she would’ve just said something if she felt like it was too much.
There are a lot of issues at work here. It’s where I kind of feel like that while MOH is the kind of friend who will do anything for you – drive six hours to pick you up at an out-of-state airport, meet you at 6 am on a Saturday to help you move, you name it – she does it more for the fact of saying “I did this,” rather than because she really wants to. She volunteers regularly for several different groups, but again I almost feel like it’s less about altruism and more so she can say “I volunteer X hours a week for groups A, B and C.”
Another issue at play here is jealousy. MOH has told me in the past that she gets jealous of me sometimes because, in her words, I’m “funny and smart and pretty.” I really feel like she was also getting jealous of NYC friends/California friend too. I feel like we are all pretty down-to-earth; unfortunately I can’t help MOH if she lacks confidence in herself (and I should add, there is no reason why she should feel that way).
I’ve repeated this mantra several times: “I can’t control anyone else’s happiness.” It’s good to keep in mind, even though I still feel guilty. I can’t look back over the past weekend without having something of a bad taste in my mouth. I haven’t said anything to her about it at all – I’m really not a confrontational person – but we used to talk every day, and right now I don’t feel like talking to her at all.
Well, if you’ve made it this far, I’m sorry this is long, but I really needed to get this off my chest.