- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2015
My engagement so far hasn’t been ideal, but I’m trying to make the best of what I’ve got.
FI and I have been dating for over 7 years and have known eachother since we were 13. 2 years ago we were contemplating eloping but decided that we wanted to have a proper wedding and include all our friends, families, and members of our church.
We got engaged this July 2012 and before he proposed, we spoke to both of our parents about our intentions and he even showed them the engagement ring before he proposed.
So a few weeks after we got engaged, FI’s father tells us that he doesn’t approve of our engagement and does not want us to get married. This was surprising as we have been keeping him in the loop with out plans and he had plenty of time to bring up his concerns before FI proposed. FI only has his father, since his mother passed away when he was a child.
We only found out he did not approve because he was unwilling to meet with my parents for dinner to discuss wedding details and unwilling to attend the engagement party if we had one. We do not expect either of our parents to pay for the wedding, but there are some cultural customs that we want to keep up which involve them meeting and picking out a wedding date. So first we attribute him acting this way because maybe he has social anxiety, but he has known my parents for years and speaks to my mother often enough about cooking and etc. He has explicitly said that his reasoning for not supporting our engagement and eventual marriage is that we’re too young and we don’t have enough money. We’re 24 and both done school and working. We have not decided to move in together because living with our parents will allow us to save more money for the wedding and down payments for a car or house. It also doesn’t get in the way of our relationship/privacy/lives. My parents don’t mind me living at home, and are okay with FI moving in with us, but he doesn’t want to move out because his grandmother lives with his father and he doesn’t want her to be lonely.
Both of us are Catholic and Vietnamese, but his family is more traditional and strict compared to mine. Because his father disagrees with our decision, none of his aunts and uncles from his father’s side and his mother’s side are willing to openly support us. More or less they say that they want to honour his father’s decision, and that they don’t think what we’re doing is wrong and that they “support” us. IMO choosing to do nothing is the same as agreeing and supporting his father’s decision. However, they believe that by not respecting the eldest son (FI’s father), they are dishonoring the family and think it will look bad to whoever is looking. It’s lose-lose for them I think. They look bad no supporting my FI, or they look bad supporting him. To me it’s obvious which direction they should have taken, but I guess I’m wrong.
They all know we decided to have a long engagement (3 years). Money and age will mean nothing by then. We’ll be 27 and will have enough money to do what we want.
I feel bad for FI because he essentially has no one. We did eventually have an engagement party at the beginning of November. Only his cousins came, and his godmother. His cousins are nice, but I know that it’s probably not enough. I told him that several families in the church community support him, and all his friends. He will have to rely on them more now. But of course, this isn’t an easy realization to deal with.
My mother says to wait it out and one day they will see their mistakes and apologize to us, but at this moment, I don’t know if I can feel comfortable having them in my life.
We’ve decided to move on and keep planning the wedding as we wanted and will try to include them if they want to participate. I’m hoping things will work out in the end. I would be so sad if his family decides to keep this up until the wedding day.
Some days I want to just have a destination wedding and only invite our friends, other days I say to myself “screw them, I’m having the wedding that I always wanted!”
So that so far I feel angry, disappointed, and sad. This wasn’t how I wanted things to end up at all.