(Closed) Harshly Bullied by my OWN FAMILY.

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1651 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@tiedtogetherwithasmile:  You know, usually I’m a big advocate of trying to patch things up with family members. But not this time. What they are doing is detrimental to your emotional and physical health, especially given your past history of eating disorders.

Personally, I would give them an ultimatum; shut the f*#! up about your eating habits or else you’re gone and won’t come back. Then follow through. Move away from them, change your phone number and email address, and do not respond to any attempt to contact you except to say that you don’t want a relationship and will file a harassment with police if they don’t stop.

Of course, this will only work if you’re financially stable and independent enough to make it work. Do you have any close friends or other family members that you trust and will support your decisions? If so, you may want to talk with them and see what they think.

Remember that you are a beautiful person who is more than deserving of love and support. If your family won’t help you heal and grow healthy then they need to get out of your life, at least for the present.

Post # 4
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Wow, Im really sorry. This doesnt sound healthy at all. Honestly, if it were me (and I truely do not say this lightly) I would have to cut them from my life completely… 🙁

Post # 5
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center

I’m so very sorry. It’s hard being bullied and judged by the ones who are supposed to give you the most support and unconditional love. I would say that it’s a very good idea to limit the interactions that they have with you. I’m big on families doing everything they can to work on their problems, but it doesn’t sound like they care that they are constantly belittling you and hurting you. Eventually all you can do is remove yourself from that poison. You can’t force them to change, but you can remove yourself from the position of having to listen to it.

When the relationship is that toxic, the best thing you can do for yourself is to just end it. Hopefully they will realie that what htye have been doing is not okay and will try to make up for it. It sounds like they have a lot of personal issues and insecurities they need to work on, but it’s easier to just take it out on you instead. You deserve a family that will be supportive and kind and if they cannot offer that, then you need to just make a new family of yourself, your SO, and those who are actually supportive and loving.

 

Post # 6
Member
9620 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LoggerHead91207:  I agree with this.  OP:  Your family is toxic for you, you deserve better treatment than that.  

Post # 7
Member
3063 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I am so sorry you’re going through this.

If I were in your shoes I would tell them that they need to quit with the weight and food remarks. You’re an adult and you will eat, dress, and do whatever you want. You will not put up with it anymore and if they say anything else you will not be participating in family events or functions. If you choose to take my advice it is vital that you fulfill your threat. If they do say something mean to you, you need to distance yourself and make it clear WHY you’re doing so.

I know it’s hard to get away from family, because you love them, but you also love yourself. You need to do what’s best for your self esteem. This is a slippery path to go down, especially considering you had eating problems before due to them. Good luck! <3

Post # 8
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Here is what I learned coming from a not so great family history, and being the adult I am now.  For your sanity, you need to decide what you can and can not handle, and to not feel guilty about it. 

 

 There are no rules that say you must listen to your mom and dad, you are an adult now and can make your own decisions and you don’t have to put up with anything from anybody.

 

 They are adults and they should know better, however they refuse to, or won’t change. It’s up to you now to take the step to not let them abuse you any longer.  See them on your terms, which may be never,  or only by phone. It will be hard, it is, when you realize to let go of that child who was hurt by them, and to realize your an adult that has to be able to take care of thier own needs first.  It may get better if you have a child someday, and you may gain the strength to stay away from them for the sake of your own childrens well being, but for now, do what’s right for you and don’t feel ashamed or guilty one little. bit. What they say to you is unhealthy and abusive and you do not need to put up with it any longer. good luck, love.

Post # 9
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@tiedtogetherwithasmile:  Ignoring them is the worst thing you can do. So do that to the max! Don’t let it affect you. Brush it off your shoulder. Be the bigger person and hopefully it will help you come to some peace.

This is exactly the way it as at FMIL’s family gatherings. I feel attacked for wanting to text and not participate in the loud, stupid, ignorant conversation going on around me that I know nothing about nor do I give a sh:t. I just smile and pretend what they say doesn’t even bother. I grew up in a very loving, open and non judgemental family, so coming to this new family was a total shock to me and I was depressed the whole first year. FH kept telling me that they do it to EVERYONE; finally I decided to believe it and mentally tell everyone to f***off. 

Good luck and big hug!

Post # 10
Member
9552 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would be honest about how much their comments hurt you. And if they blow you off I would lay down an ultimatum. They stop the comments about your weight or you stop communicating with them. And follow through. If they make a comment over the phone, hang up. If they make a comment at home, get up and leave. And do not feel bad about it. They will either get the message and change your behavior or you will get them out of your life with no regrets and knowing you gave them a chance.

Post # 11
Member
2879 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

You DO need a break — you need to cut them out of your life for a significant amount of time so that you can do some more emotional healing. If you thought there was a chance they’d be able to hear you and respect your needs, you could write them a very carefully worded letter about this issue, explaining that you need ALL discussion about your weight and eating to STOP completely if you’re going to be around them, and see how that goes. But at the first slip or disagreement from them, I think you’d be best off severing contact for at minimum a few years. Continuing to spend time with them is allowing them to hurt you, and you deserve better. It’s terrible that this is the position you’re in, but it’s better to accept it and do what you need to do to protect yourself than to keep giving them opportunities. I’m so sorry.

Post # 13
Member
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@tiedtogetherwithasmile:  What a bunch of friggin assholes…i’m sorry, but omg that is just unbelievable. I’m just glad YOU can recognize how ridiculous they are. I honestly don’t even know where I’d begin with that one, but I just wanted to let you know that they’re full of shit, and I’m gonna need them to find somethin’ else to do with themselves

Post # 15
Member
4323 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Your situation is more severe than mine, but I struggled with a mother who felt the need to constantly criticize my weight/size (I’m currently at my biggest and I’m an 8 and about 20 lbs overweight, so nothing crazy). What worked for me was stating clearly that I wasn’t going to put up with it and then following through – if she brought it up on the phone, I hung up.  If she brought it up in person, I walked out of the room.

It took almost a year of doing this, but it worked. Like I said, your situation is more severe, but maybe my experience might help a little. In the meantime, *hugs* – you seem to be a very strong and confident person. Don’t let them take that away from you!

Post # 16
Member
12833 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Oh wow, this is awful.  I think I would tell your family that if they don’t stop, you’re going to have to sever ties with them because their comments are damaging to your overall well-being.  You don’t need these toxis comments around you every time you’re with your family, and you definitely don’t deserve them.  Good luck!

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