Has a relationship ever cause trouble to your friendships?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
6729 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

Yes. When I was young and stupid I dated an abusive control freak. He didn’t approve of me having any friends, which I later on found out that is just one hallmark of controlling behavior. He wanted to isolate me so that I would be dependent on him. My relationships with my best friends suffered as a consequence (he even pulled a gun on them!), but in the end I eventually broke up with him and my best friends still had my back. 10 years later and they are still huge parts of my life, and one was even my MOH. I’m so grateful for them putting up with my BS at that time… and feel very sorry for the women that have dated my ex after me. From what I have heard he’s only gotten worse. 

Post # 3
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Yup, I just recently lost a very close friend of 8 years due to my engagement. He never approved of my relationship before the engagement and told me before I got engaged that I should break it off and well that did not happen. After I got enaged, he told me that my relationship was a joke, that no one was happpy for us and other things. That was the last straw for me and we are no longer friends. I do not regret my decision one bit and Iam way better off without someone like that in my life.

Post # 4
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

Partially, this friend I had got rather angry when I told her of my engagement and her exact words were “you said you would never get married” then proceeded to get mad cause we were going to Europe on our honeymoon and I’d previously said I’d go without her (years before). She realized I wasn’t going to deal with it though and apologized but we grew apart. Previous times I did have a bad relationship that I refused to see clearly and it affected the friendship with the same person but with my husband the relationship is way different so basically if he is worth it don’t feel bad but if its abusive, if he is rude etc. Then maybe that’s why it’s hurting friendships.

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  snina8916.
Post # 5
Member
829 posts
Busy bee

I had a very, very close friend with a loser boyfriend that I HATED! some of my friends liked him and I do not understand why- he had no job, no car, he mooched off every but especially his mom and my friend, he did drugs– I put up with them together for years, she knew I hated him but she ‘was an adult and could make her own damn decisions’ apparently. Long story short she never listened to my advice, they moved in together (eventho I offered my place rent-free) and she was miserable but wouldn’t leave. I put up with her constantly ditching me for him and when she stole from me I found out they were doing heroin together. I cut her out of my life completely. He got arrested for stealing checks and went to jail, she got back with him when he got out, and then months later he dumped her for a younger girl. This story is so stupid I can’t believe it’s real. And now I still won’t talk to my ex-best-friend, and I avoid contact with all my old friends that are still with that loser guy.

Post # 6
Member
855 posts
Busy bee

Yes! When we had been together a few months I started getting some major health problems. He was there for me the whole time whilst I was back and forth at the doctors, hospital and sometimes crippled in bed for days. As a result I couldnt drink alcohol anymore (and no longer wanted to) so I stopped wanting to go out to clubs and bars and my friends (including housemates at the time) didnt understand why and blamed my boyfriend for ‘changing’ me. They also got mad that he was around all the time- well sorry but I needed him for my health! I would suggest doing other things like cinema/ restaurants / coffee to my friends but they would say no and that they had no money- fair enough except they went clubbing 3 times a week. We just drifted apart after that because we had no shared interests and they were really rude to my partner. I moved out when the rental contract was done and moved in with my boyfriend. I dont regret it, 4 years later and I’m happy and engaged and still monitoring my health, and they are living with their parents still clubbing 3 times a week which is good for them if they are happy but we are completely different people now and sometimes thats just how it is. 

Post # 7
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I had only been married for 2 weeks, and my BFF (still is) sent me a sleu of hateful texts one night while I was asleep, saying I was a shitty friend, and I “just got married and gave up on our friendship and abandoned her.” Turns out she was drunk and called me to come hang out at a club with her, but um, yeah I was asleep. I got over it but it still pissed me off. If you’re going to accuse me of “abandoning you,” at least give me time to….?

Moral of the story, I get anxiety when I miss a call from her becuase I dont want her to think I am abandoning her and I feel the need to call her RIGHT back. Ugh I hope I get over that soon.  

Post # 8
Member
2045 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I have a friend that has always caused troubles for me when I had a boyfriend and she didn’t.  It has caused major problems in our friendship.  It was particularly bad with my husband, because she saw how different it was.  I was serious with him fast and I had never been serious with anyone.  When she met him, she tried her hardest not to like him, and she was upset when she couldn’t find anything she didn’t like about him.  I think since then she has gotten to know him a little more, and also matured a whole lot, and has come to accept him.  Although she is one of my closest friends, our on again off again arguements reinforced my decision to exclude her from my bridal party.      

Post # 9
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I had a friend in HS that I’m still upset about how she dropped the friendship. She was very, very naive, and religious, but not vocal ever about religion. We were best friends through middle and high school, until senior year. 

Senior year I started dating my now FI. Senior year this friend (N) went on a trip with a class to DC. What I now realize is that she was the type of person that whoever was right there was her friend – after this trip, she always hung out with all the people that went on the trip. Just dropped me. I was hurt, I shrugged it off mostly, and we went off to separate colleges. 

N would call me occasionally to say hi, we Skyped a fair bit, but it dwindled over the years. I did expect it – she’s extremely book smart and logical, and while I would consider myself intelligent, I would say I am not as book smart as she is, but I have a good deal more common sense. I knew we would slow drift apart, as we more and more had less and less in common. 

What actually hurt though is when she called me and as soon as her problem was ‘fixed’, she’d drop me for another couple months. None of it was anything of concern. The calls consisted of “I gained a size! I’m not a 00 anymore, now I wear a size 3! How do I shop now?” sort of thing, which was a bit frustrating all on its own. The last call I got from her was after she had been dating this man for probably 4 months? at the end of our sophomore year in college. She called me in tears to tell me they’d slept together. I was honestly very shocked because I knew that she had sworn left and right she’d wait for marriage, plus she was sobbing. I got her to calm down, and asked what happened (kind of assumed something bad had happened from the sobs). They fell asleep together. On the couch. During a movie. Fully clothed. Cuddling. That’s what she meant. In tears. She thought it was the worst thing in the world, and…really I don’t even know what thought process she had. I got her to understand that she’s still a virgin, God doesn’t hate her in my opinion, yadda yadda, she was better. She then asked me if I had cuddled with my now FI. *sigh* Yep. Kissed?! Yeah….. Slept with? Yep. Did the thing? Yeah, actually. She said oh. Gotta go. And hung up. Haven’t heard from her since. 

We’d been dating for 3 years by that point. I’m down for everyone doing whatever they want with their genitals as long as they’re not hurting anyone and it’s legal. I could care less if you want to wait til marriage. I could care less if you sleep with someone a week in. It’s really up to the individual. So to me it really bothers me that that was the breaking point for her, and that (looking back on it) I was the convienence friend. 

 

(It kinda helped to just get all of this out there. Sorry for the rant!!  )

Post # 10
Member
3345 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

KateA17:  I hate it when friends start blaming the SO for everything! It’s not my friends, but FI’s friends, that blame me whenever FI doesn’t want to do something or get mad when he brings me to hang out with them. It happened just he other week when FI’s friends wanted him to go out to the bar and he had worked a long day and didn’t feel well so he told them no, they jumped right to it being my fault! 

Post # 11
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

Yes. My SO and I have been very close from the beginning and his friends were very happy for us because they were also all in relationships at the time. Now, almost two years later, my SO and I are the only ones still together and we rarely see this group of friends anymore. All they wanted to do was go out, get wasted, and hit on 10 girls every night. (and sometimes subsequently end up in the drunk tank). SO is no longer interested in that kind of life (the hitting on girls and ending up way too drunk) part and it seems that that’s not good enough for his friends because now they don’t invite him around much anymore. I’m sure they all think i’ve “changed” my SO and maybe I have. Maybe we’ve changed each other. Or maybe we’ve just decided that we’re happy together, and are both starting to grow up a little more. 

Post # 12
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Yes, due to an abusive control freak. 18months with that psycho was far too long.

Thankfully my friends were there to support me after the breakup, even after I hadn’t seen them for over a year thanks to him.

Post # 13
Member
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I also was in an abusive relationship in college. I had a huge falling out with my best friend early on in the relationship (she witnessed his abusive behavior toward me at a party, and when I refused to leave with her and took his side, she bounced). I ended up pushing all of my friends away during those 2.5 years, and my relationship with my family was strained, too. Luckily, when I hit rock bottom, they were there for me again, and all of the relationships have been repaired, for the most part. My best friend is my best friend again and was MOH in my wedding last month.

After that experience, I started placing a lot of stock in my friends’ and family’s opinions of people I was letting into my life. When I met DH, my BFF loved him immediately, and that was so telling for me.

Post # 14
Member
1990 posts
Buzzing bee

Yes, but it was due to the fact that the guy was actually a horrible, horrible person. They were trying to warn me without being too pushy about it, and then ultimately it came to saving themselves of the trainwreck. I don’t blame them – when I came to and needed them, they were there.

Post # 15
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I cut ties with my ‘best friend’ Julie of 13 years within a few months of dating my now DH.  

DH, who is the most caring and generous guy I have ever met, opened my eyes to the fact that Julie treated me like absolute shit and took advantage of me and our friendship ALL the time. I just assumed that it was normal behaviour.  We had known each other since we were 14 and I didn’t know that healthy friendships weren’t like that.

Once I started standing up for myself, Julie became defensive and really the breaking point resulted in a screaming match on the street!  And I am sooo not like that – I am usually very easy going and avoid confrontation at all costs.  I guess that added to the problem, actually.  But the relief I feel now that she’s out of my life, and the fact that my life is calm and drama-free, is worth all of that pain I went through.  She was essentially asking me to choose between my DH and her, and since I knew in my bones that I was going to marry this man, I chose him.  There is NO way I could have kept Julie in my life with the way she acted towards my DH and me.  

Since our ‘breakup’, she has tried to apologize a few times (we haven’t really spoken in 6 years), and I kind of just avoid her.  She plays the victim card any chance she gets, and if I gave her an inch, she’d take a mile.  Most recent example:

My dad died 3 months ago and she called me crying, and I had to console her! After not speaking in 6 years!!  She also called my mom and my sister, and cried to them!  Then she showed up to one of the funeral home visitations, lingered forever, and was the last to leave, and my MOTHER gave her a ride home (!) because Julie made a really awkward and obvious comment about having to take the bus home, and I was like, well, how can you not offer a ride to a female who has to take a 40 min bus ride home at 9pm at night? Even if you hate her?  But it still makes me rage and raises my pulse to think that my mom, who had just lost her husband of 48 years a couple of days prior, and who probably had had 2 hours of sleep during that time, gave this girl a ride home!!! Had Julie been a decent and normal person, she would have handled herself and not made her problem our problem. AND THEN! She came late to the funeral the next day, and from what I was told by my other friends, caused such a crying scene in the back row that she had several strangers checking on her to see if she was OK.  I realize now that she has psychological issues, but she is the type of person who says – and I quote – “Therapy is for people who don’t have any good friends to talk to.”  It is so obvious to me that all of this behaviour was for her own self gain.  In her mind, she called to offer her condolences, and attended the funeral and visitations because she wanted to offer her support to my family and me.  In reality, she inserted herself into my life at a time when the last thing I wanted was to deal with someone I had a falling out with.  She could have sent a card, or flowers, or made a donation to show her support, but instead she made EVERYONE in my family uncomfortable, because she doesn’t understand boundaries.

Anyway, not really sure if that’s the kind of example you’re looking for, but it was my experience.  And I’m sorry I went off on a tangent – I’m still struggling with the anger I feel towards her and it tends to come out when I start talking about it.

 

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